who's right?

i have two jobs. one is in a costume hire store, one is in a cafe. i have been working (officially) in the costume store for about 6 weeks, but unofficially for 6 months. the boss knows i have been doing some work, but is unaware of exactly how much (he thinks maybe a day every week or two, truth is closer to a day or two every week). for the next three mondays i am going to be working with the CH store manager, shadowing, then being shadowed to make sure i know what i am doing. i have been working independently and successfully for ages, and in my "training" period with him i have proved that i can do everything he has asked of me, with skill and accuracy. I have proved myself as a competent worker, and yet he continues to treat me as a trainee who must be supervised.

I have been working at the cafe for less than 2 weeks. a grand total of 6 shifts now. last week i was offered the chance to do my certificate 3 in hospitality through them - they pay for me to do the course. this was after 3 shifts. i accepted and today we sat and talked about what it would mean. permanent part time, which means guaranteed hours, holiday pay, sick leave... a qualification i can take with me if/when i decide to move on. a near future promotion to shift supervisor with a view to part time manager by the end of the year.

so. who is right? am i an incompetent noob who has to be watched, or am i a fast learning hard worker worth keeping and training for bigger and better things??? i know which one i am...

that is all.

4 people

there are 4 people i talk to pretty much every day, in one form or another, and my day doesn't feel complete if i don't talk to them. by talk i mean on the phone, in person, by text, or somewhere online, email, twitter, facebook, skype, a chat room, or a ship. the thing about these 4 people is, only one lives in the same area as me, only 2 of them in the same country, and only three in the same hemisphere. yes, i have a friend in america, whom i speak to every day pretty much, and the days we don't actually chat, there is generally some small form of contact, but it just doesn't feel the same. chatting with these people has become integral to my day. i tell these friends that i miss them when i don't see them. i very rarely actually see them in person, except for the one local, who if i don't see twice a week, i feel like i am missing out.

I count myself as so lucky to have these 4 friends, not luckier to have them than my other friends, but these four stand out as part of my day. and i know i fit the same category in their lives.

thank you for being my friends.

that is all

you will one day...

i smoke. sometimes i don't. most people are surprised when they see me smoking for the first time, especially if they've known me for a few years... i'm what you'd call an anti-social smoker. i tend not to smoke around other people. You can't smoke in pubs and clubs here anymore, so it's not like i go out and have a beer and a smoke with friends, most of whom are singers, and most singers don't smoke anyway. i have only 1 or 2 friends who smoke at all, and one of them is only a sometimes smoker, like maybe one every month or so. i don't smoke at cafes because people are eating, and i would rather not do that to non smokers... but all of that is beside the point really.
the point is i have smoked on and off for a great number of years. the longest i have gone without smoking since i started was three years. i think my biggest issue is not that i can't quit, it's that i actually enjoy it. smoking that is, not quitting. i know it's bad for me. i know it smells. i smoke maybe 2 or three a day, so it's not like i am a chimney. some days even when i have some on hand i might not smoke at all. i have lots of friends telling me that i have to quit, it's bad for me, it's bad for my voice. that i can't afford it (which is sometimes true). None of these people "having a go at me" has ever inspired me to quit at all

Yesterday i had a friend say "you will one day". very simple. one day "I" will be ready to quit, for me. not quitting coz someone else is telling me i should. I think this is the closest someone has ever come to inspiring me to quit. i am not about to do it today, but yes, i will, one day.

that is all.

as i changed lanes

completely on autopilot, i had a random remembering of why. i have driven that road and that route for years. when you come around that corner, there is almost guaranteed to be a queue of cars waiting to turn right, and if you aren't in the left lane, you will get caught behind them... but for the first time in a long time, it made me think of the reason i used to travel this route, which is different to the reason i travel it now. i used to know someone who lived up there. now he doesn't live there, and i wish i had never known him. but you can't choose your family.
anyway, once upon a time that trip took my mum 12 mins to do. when i type the addresses in question into google maps, they say it is a 39min trip... times have changed. Mum would never attempt to do that trip at that speed anymore, though she would still make the trip. I would still make it at that speed, but will never go there ever again.
some things that you never think will change, do. and other things just don't. i don't have a point other than that really. was just a random remembering...

that is all.

family dinner

aka Sunday Soup.

early today i got a message. "family night dinner tomm night? are you free?..."
now, it turns out i am free, as i keep sunday nights free almost on principal, and on the not so off chance that i will get a text like that. the thing that thrills me about this text is, it's not from anyone who is related to me. I have been accepted into sunday soup family dinner night, regardless of the fact that i am not family. i can't put into words how special this makes me feel.

that is all.

DNR

yeah, that's right. Do. Not. Resuscitate.

for a long time i have been a believer in something akin to the theory of natural selection, survival of the fittest. If you are born with a genetic life disfiguring disease, and one of the attributes is the inability to reproduce, then perhaps it's a sign from a higher power that you having kids is not meant to be on the card. Do Not seek medical assistance in this matter. if you don't have any other issues, and infertility seems to be just something you got lumped with, then by all means - go for it.

i have always had the view that i don't really want to be old. i don't put an age on this - to me "old" is a state of frailty. the inability to look after yourself anymore, whether it be caused by physical or mental atrophy. that is old. if your 90 (like my grandfather) and still mowing your own lawns and cleaning your own gutters and playing tennis twice a week and giving lectures on nuclear physics at a local community college, then you are not old. if you are 70 and can't get out of bed without help because of a stroke and suffer from dementia making recovery from aforementioned stroke unlikely in the extreme, then you are old.

genetics in my family put me more in the first category than the second, and in that i am lucky. if i get parkinsons at 55, and then dementia at 60 - i don't want to be alive. if i make it 2 to 90 and still wish my kids would walk faster because i have places to be, then let me keep living (and keep up!)

today i read an article that made me think. if i have a stroke that would kill me without medical intervention, then i want to die. if i have a dicky heart that will only keep functioning with a pace maker, then i want to die. if i have cancer that chemo only has a chance of irradiating, or that is inoperable, then i want it to be left to run it's course.

there comes a point where too much medical assistance is too much. sure, if i am going to live anyway then yes, please, make it comfortable. but if without medical help i would die, then it's my time. let me go. I don;t want to live on and be a burden to anyone, and i don't believe that medical miracles are always a miracle.

that is all

we'll chalk that one up to experience.

i have a spare room i am trying to rent out. i put an ad online. today i had 2 people come to look.

the first guy didn't have a lot to say. my friend asked a few questions, one of which gave me quite a shock... "Are you likely to have friends over often?" i mean, of course that makes perfect sense, but i hadn't even thought about that. and the tv and my desk and computer are in the same room... anyway, that's be a no for him...

the second guy walked in and asked if there would be a desk in the room, and would i provide linen, and did i have a drier. no, no and no. he then said it looks good and can he sign the contract. NO...

i have someone else coming on the weekend. we'll see how that goes, but i may end up going with the devil i know...

life can be scarily short

a few months ago a friend of mine was unwell. nothing was said about what, we just knew she'd been in hospital and that she was really tired as a result. I made a few guesses, which were very intelligent, but as it turns out, very wrong. This friend is not yet 30, leads a very healthy lifestyle, eats in moderation, doesn't smoke, exercises, doesn't drink much, eats lots of home grown organic vegies, is slim and gorgeous. picture of everything we all aspire to do and be.

last night i found out her trip to hospital was because she had a heart attack.

at 29, she had a heart attack. i am still processing this, but it terrifies me. sometimes it just doesn't matter how well you look after yourself, or how young you are. life is precarious, and we can't just let it wander on by...

that is all