Xmas. i went to church. twice. once for bells, smells and smoking handbags, and one was clap and wave...
these roughly translate to High Anglican and Baptist.
High Anglican - there was a bishop hat, there were lots of "pastors" in dresses. communion was real wine and fake bread. lots of carols with a pipe organ. SEVEN verses of o come all ye faithful... yes, 7 verses... the pastor was passionate. a little dry, but passionate. it was a lovely service by candle light, lots of carols.
this morning was baptist church, bordering on pentecostal - wave ur hands in the air like you just don't care - kinda thing... the pastor was not only passionate, but he was excited too. it was infectious. the music was a band, 2 keyboard, 2 guitars, drums and 4 singers. seriously great worship music.
last night's sermon was about giving to each other and the sense of community. todays sermon was about the gift of jesus, wrapped like all xmas gifts. and we don't leave any other pressies under the tree, so we should unwrap and accept the gift of jesus.
now, i went to church, i was christened as a baby, i had my confirmation when i was 14 or so. i was part of the youth ministry team and the music ministry team when i was 16-18. then i came out to my mother. and she told a friend who was the minister's wife. i was asked to leave my ministry, so i left the church. now i sing a lot. i am in 2 choirs currently. generally i am in three, every now and then 4. i rehearse a minimum twice a week. i perform minor shows at least once a month, major shows up to 6 times a year. so i sing heaps... but i miss music ministry. there really is nothing that compares with praising god by singing. i have never felt on any stage singing any song what i have felt at the front of a church worshiping god. that is about the only thing i miss about church. and although both services were insanely different, and the baptist service this morning was really very good, i have no desire to return to church. but i do still, and always will miss music ministry...
Merry Christmas
That is all.
20091225
20091220
not sure
i'm really not sure what i did. i don't even know if i did anything. but for some reason i seem to be getting no responses. but i'm kinda happy coz i'm more pissed off than upset, so that means a step forward, no matter how small...
20091217
i AM a grown up
really i am... been living at mums for about three months. move out on monday.
this morning i got up after 5 hours sleep and sleepily wandered to the ironing board with dress in hand to wear today. i have two xmas parties on today. mum offered to iron it while i went and had a shower.
whilst in the shower i hear through the door, ur dress has a mark on it, want me to wash it and bring it to you at work? you can wear my xmas skirt and dear santa t-shirt for the morning if you want (shirt - Dear Santa, Define good...). i replied don't worry about the washing but yeah if i could borrow her clothes that would be great (i have plenty of clothes but i really like the dear santa shirt!). i got out of the shower and she had already hand washed my dress and put it in the machine to spin dry, and had started cutting up fruit for my breakfast. while i ate breaky she went down to check my dress in the machine and it turned out that somehow the machine had put some orange stains on it, so she put it in to soak and apologised that she wouldnt be able to bring it to me to change...
isn't she just the sweetest!!!
I love you Mum. always and forever. Thank you for being who you are, and for raising me to be who i am.
that is all.
this morning i got up after 5 hours sleep and sleepily wandered to the ironing board with dress in hand to wear today. i have two xmas parties on today. mum offered to iron it while i went and had a shower.
whilst in the shower i hear through the door, ur dress has a mark on it, want me to wash it and bring it to you at work? you can wear my xmas skirt and dear santa t-shirt for the morning if you want (shirt - Dear Santa, Define good...). i replied don't worry about the washing but yeah if i could borrow her clothes that would be great (i have plenty of clothes but i really like the dear santa shirt!). i got out of the shower and she had already hand washed my dress and put it in the machine to spin dry, and had started cutting up fruit for my breakfast. while i ate breaky she went down to check my dress in the machine and it turned out that somehow the machine had put some orange stains on it, so she put it in to soak and apologised that she wouldnt be able to bring it to me to change...
isn't she just the sweetest!!!
I love you Mum. always and forever. Thank you for being who you are, and for raising me to be who i am.
that is all.
20091216
is that all?
why can't i just stop hoping. if i could just get that to stop then maybe everything else would be ok...
that is all.
that is all.
20091214
I had a dream...
that line is the start of so many things. martin luther, a song on the Baz Lurhman Romeo and Juliette soundtrack. i'm going with the second one.. but anyway, i had a dream last night..
my first GL/Venice Dream.
Not the "freakin super hero" Crystal Chappell, not the "adorabley gorgeous" Jessica Leccia, not the "worlds first lesbian mayor" Orlagh Cassidy, not even "i'm addicted to twitter and making dreams come true" kimmy T. Nope, the object of my desires seems to be "the enigma" Hope Royaltey.
It felt like i was in NYC, but logic tells me it was LA. Kimmy lived acros the road and up a few houses.
I was walking along the road + got to opposite Hope's house + stopped. there were a few guys over the road and then hope appeared, just getting home it seemed. she made eye contact with me, kind of acknowledged me and then went inside. i knew she wanted me to wait. in a few moments the guys left and Hope re-opened the door to let me in. i don't think we had ever met but she knew who i was - no introductions. the outside of the building was art deco style - 4 appartments, two up two down, but inside seemed much older, bigger rooms, high ceilings, flooded with light. most of the rooms were empty, she was obviously re-decorating. i offered my services with a paintbrush, but she said she wasn't up to painting yet, so i said i was equally skilled with a sanding block - she'll keep that in mind.
not long after Kimmy came over and (unconnected) Hope suddenly needed crutches. As if she only had so much strength in a day and she was all out. She had a big TV that needed to be moved, so i offered thinking Kimmy would help me, but somehow (love dreamland) Hope helped me, crutches and all. We ended up backing into the table she wanted it on and both sitting with the TV on our laps having a giggle, she nodded and we got up together and moved it to where it should be.
Than my alarm went off and i was running late so i couldn't ignore it and keep dreaming.
there wasn't much furniture in her place - her bedroom was done + there were couches, TV, dining table and that was about it. we were really comfortable together, even having apparently never met. Kimmy didn't bat an eyelid at my presence at all. wish i could have kept sleeping...
that is all.
my first GL/Venice Dream.
Not the "freakin super hero" Crystal Chappell, not the "adorabley gorgeous" Jessica Leccia, not the "worlds first lesbian mayor" Orlagh Cassidy, not even "i'm addicted to twitter and making dreams come true" kimmy T. Nope, the object of my desires seems to be "the enigma" Hope Royaltey.
It felt like i was in NYC, but logic tells me it was LA. Kimmy lived acros the road and up a few houses.
I was walking along the road + got to opposite Hope's house + stopped. there were a few guys over the road and then hope appeared, just getting home it seemed. she made eye contact with me, kind of acknowledged me and then went inside. i knew she wanted me to wait. in a few moments the guys left and Hope re-opened the door to let me in. i don't think we had ever met but she knew who i was - no introductions. the outside of the building was art deco style - 4 appartments, two up two down, but inside seemed much older, bigger rooms, high ceilings, flooded with light. most of the rooms were empty, she was obviously re-decorating. i offered my services with a paintbrush, but she said she wasn't up to painting yet, so i said i was equally skilled with a sanding block - she'll keep that in mind.
not long after Kimmy came over and (unconnected) Hope suddenly needed crutches. As if she only had so much strength in a day and she was all out. She had a big TV that needed to be moved, so i offered thinking Kimmy would help me, but somehow (love dreamland) Hope helped me, crutches and all. We ended up backing into the table she wanted it on and both sitting with the TV on our laps having a giggle, she nodded and we got up together and moved it to where it should be.
Than my alarm went off and i was running late so i couldn't ignore it and keep dreaming.
there wasn't much furniture in her place - her bedroom was done + there were couches, TV, dining table and that was about it. we were really comfortable together, even having apparently never met. Kimmy didn't bat an eyelid at my presence at all. wish i could have kept sleeping...
that is all.
20091213
moments and years
it's 2:52am. i'm going to try something different. i generally have a thought in my head and my blog posts come out very quickly, 5 - 10 mins tops. tonight, this morning really, i am going to write about the year that is now coming to an end, as a series of moments. due to the delight of editing and retyping i am going to put them in chronological order as much as i can. i am listening to "I didn't just kiss her" by Jen Foster, "Heal Over" by KT Tunstall and "Miss Me" by Kat Parsons. i've also learnt how to put links into my blog!
my friends and i were talking tonight about the fact that the year is almost over and we are all generally glad to see the back of it, coz wehave all had some completely shitty moments. i have had some really shitty moments too, but i don't think i would say it was a bad year.
1st January - 12:01am. watching the melbourne fireworks on tv. not my idea of how to ring in the new year. disappointment.
Big Day Out - wow. a day spent with my brothers. a day of great music, seeing the prodigy live, hot sweaty, smelly, wet, loud to the point of feeling every beat of music in every fibre of my body. one of the most primal feelings i have ever had in such a public forum. people crammed into a massive space. human life all celebrating sound together. energy to dance came from no-where after a massively long day. just phenomenal. i really can't put it into words.
february - fairy queen. perform an opera with Sydney Gay and Lesbian Choir and some of Australia's up and coming opera stars. this was the building of some great friendships.
so many moments i don't remember early in the year. i know i was miserable overall. hated my place of employment. no respect for a hard job that i did accurately, in a timely manner and without bugging anyone else. yeah i could be belligerent at times, but god damn i have now been gone from there since april, and they still don't have any decent results from the (3rd) person they hired to replace me. if they wanted to pay me more and respect my work i would go back there, but they can't afford me.
wasn't happy at home either. for so many little reasons which i am not going to go into.
april. new job. responsibilities drop about 5 steps, pay goes up about $5k, hours go down by 5. enjoyment of place i work, through the roof. job satisfaction... minimal. monkey button job, wasting my brain and my potential. i can live with that.
ok, it's now 3:47am and my brain is shutting down. i will finish this tomorrow...
now 1pm sunday. just woken up after 9 hrs sleep. lovely.
by this time of year i was really starting to think about my relationship. did i want to be there anymore? i came up wth a no, but then took my time to do anything about that. i spoke to a friend or two, but still was stuck where i was because i just couldn't bring myself to change anything. again, nothing sticks out in my mind. a group of friends were having dinner together every couple of weeks and they were hilarious night's, so many laughs it was fantastic. except that we had called the group the abandoned wives club. the first couple to break was heather and ton. that came as a shock to every single one of us, and Heather was completely devastated and heartbroken, and didn't cope at all for so many months afterwards. she still hasn't gone back to work...
june. my 30th birthday. great party with about 40 people, exactly what i wanted. 10 days later i left rose.
july. discovered GL and Crystal Chappell. took over my life for a while. i was frustrated randomly and it took me a while to work out it was the tension of the show that was making me antsy. spent two weeks on stage in front of up to 700 people every night and i didn't feel it. that really upset me. being onstage is like oxygen to me, performing is what i know, what i do, what i have done since i was about 8yrs old. to get on stage and not feel it after 22 years was not good. so i have not auditioned for the show for next year. that's gonna be a big whole. these people are some of my best and oldest friends and it's going to be weird not seeing them every week for half the year.
ok, this isn't going as i planned... it's taking me forever and i am not thinking well.. suffice to say that this year i have had some terrible lows. i've left a relationship and been left. my heart has had a trampling and i am by no means healed. i have made some amazing new friends, some i have met face to face, some i have not. i have had hysterical tears, caused by both sadness and laughter. i had moments of abject despair. i have moments of bounding joy. over all my year has been tough, i have had some major changes and major heartaches. but when i look back i am happy.
2:42pm. 12 hours. that is all.
my friends and i were talking tonight about the fact that the year is almost over and we are all generally glad to see the back of it, coz wehave all had some completely shitty moments. i have had some really shitty moments too, but i don't think i would say it was a bad year.
1st January - 12:01am. watching the melbourne fireworks on tv. not my idea of how to ring in the new year. disappointment.
Big Day Out - wow. a day spent with my brothers. a day of great music, seeing the prodigy live, hot sweaty, smelly, wet, loud to the point of feeling every beat of music in every fibre of my body. one of the most primal feelings i have ever had in such a public forum. people crammed into a massive space. human life all celebrating sound together. energy to dance came from no-where after a massively long day. just phenomenal. i really can't put it into words.
february - fairy queen. perform an opera with Sydney Gay and Lesbian Choir and some of Australia's up and coming opera stars. this was the building of some great friendships.
so many moments i don't remember early in the year. i know i was miserable overall. hated my place of employment. no respect for a hard job that i did accurately, in a timely manner and without bugging anyone else. yeah i could be belligerent at times, but god damn i have now been gone from there since april, and they still don't have any decent results from the (3rd) person they hired to replace me. if they wanted to pay me more and respect my work i would go back there, but they can't afford me.
wasn't happy at home either. for so many little reasons which i am not going to go into.
april. new job. responsibilities drop about 5 steps, pay goes up about $5k, hours go down by 5. enjoyment of place i work, through the roof. job satisfaction... minimal. monkey button job, wasting my brain and my potential. i can live with that.
ok, it's now 3:47am and my brain is shutting down. i will finish this tomorrow...
now 1pm sunday. just woken up after 9 hrs sleep. lovely.
by this time of year i was really starting to think about my relationship. did i want to be there anymore? i came up wth a no, but then took my time to do anything about that. i spoke to a friend or two, but still was stuck where i was because i just couldn't bring myself to change anything. again, nothing sticks out in my mind. a group of friends were having dinner together every couple of weeks and they were hilarious night's, so many laughs it was fantastic. except that we had called the group the abandoned wives club. the first couple to break was heather and ton. that came as a shock to every single one of us, and Heather was completely devastated and heartbroken, and didn't cope at all for so many months afterwards. she still hasn't gone back to work...
june. my 30th birthday. great party with about 40 people, exactly what i wanted. 10 days later i left rose.
july. discovered GL and Crystal Chappell. took over my life for a while. i was frustrated randomly and it took me a while to work out it was the tension of the show that was making me antsy. spent two weeks on stage in front of up to 700 people every night and i didn't feel it. that really upset me. being onstage is like oxygen to me, performing is what i know, what i do, what i have done since i was about 8yrs old. to get on stage and not feel it after 22 years was not good. so i have not auditioned for the show for next year. that's gonna be a big whole. these people are some of my best and oldest friends and it's going to be weird not seeing them every week for half the year.
ok, this isn't going as i planned... it's taking me forever and i am not thinking well.. suffice to say that this year i have had some terrible lows. i've left a relationship and been left. my heart has had a trampling and i am by no means healed. i have made some amazing new friends, some i have met face to face, some i have not. i have had hysterical tears, caused by both sadness and laughter. i had moments of abject despair. i have moments of bounding joy. over all my year has been tough, i have had some major changes and major heartaches. but when i look back i am happy.
2:42pm. 12 hours. that is all.
20091204
contradictionary...
yeah i made up that word... i like it... it has been brought to my attention, so many times in my life, but again recently, what a contradiction i am.
i have a shaved head. my eyelashes are frequetly, and currently, tinted. i also have acrylic nails right now, and even when i can't afford the maintanence of them i take good care of my nails. i wear mens shorts, or dresses. i have 9 tattoos and i like to cross stitch while waiting around at choir. i will hapilly sit in the yard and fix the lawn mower and my favourite toy is meccano. my favourite songs are by mozart and marylin manson. i love chic flicks, and chic lit. i have only recently started wearing womens jeans, and still have a number of mens jeans in my wardrobe. i pay no attention to fashion, but the jeans i bought the other day are the latest style, complete with holes. on the outside i am tough, but i am one of the most loyal and caring friends you could hope for. i'm a big softy. i hate birthdays, or my birthday anyway. i hate all commercial celebration, valntines, mothers day etc, but i love xmas and everything it entails, the carols, the tree, shopping with the masses in the city. most days i'd be happy to be androgynous, though i love my feminine side, but that doesn't mean you can call me a lady. i bake. i wanted to join the army, but they wouldn' take me (on medical grounds).
i'm me.
that is all.
i have a shaved head. my eyelashes are frequetly, and currently, tinted. i also have acrylic nails right now, and even when i can't afford the maintanence of them i take good care of my nails. i wear mens shorts, or dresses. i have 9 tattoos and i like to cross stitch while waiting around at choir. i will hapilly sit in the yard and fix the lawn mower and my favourite toy is meccano. my favourite songs are by mozart and marylin manson. i love chic flicks, and chic lit. i have only recently started wearing womens jeans, and still have a number of mens jeans in my wardrobe. i pay no attention to fashion, but the jeans i bought the other day are the latest style, complete with holes. on the outside i am tough, but i am one of the most loyal and caring friends you could hope for. i'm a big softy. i hate birthdays, or my birthday anyway. i hate all commercial celebration, valntines, mothers day etc, but i love xmas and everything it entails, the carols, the tree, shopping with the masses in the city. most days i'd be happy to be androgynous, though i love my feminine side, but that doesn't mean you can call me a lady. i bake. i wanted to join the army, but they wouldn' take me (on medical grounds).
i'm me.
that is all.
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