Xmas. i went to church. twice. once for bells, smells and smoking handbags, and one was clap and wave...
these roughly translate to High Anglican and Baptist.
High Anglican - there was a bishop hat, there were lots of "pastors" in dresses. communion was real wine and fake bread. lots of carols with a pipe organ. SEVEN verses of o come all ye faithful... yes, 7 verses... the pastor was passionate. a little dry, but passionate. it was a lovely service by candle light, lots of carols.
this morning was baptist church, bordering on pentecostal - wave ur hands in the air like you just don't care - kinda thing... the pastor was not only passionate, but he was excited too. it was infectious. the music was a band, 2 keyboard, 2 guitars, drums and 4 singers. seriously great worship music.
last night's sermon was about giving to each other and the sense of community. todays sermon was about the gift of jesus, wrapped like all xmas gifts. and we don't leave any other pressies under the tree, so we should unwrap and accept the gift of jesus.
now, i went to church, i was christened as a baby, i had my confirmation when i was 14 or so. i was part of the youth ministry team and the music ministry team when i was 16-18. then i came out to my mother. and she told a friend who was the minister's wife. i was asked to leave my ministry, so i left the church. now i sing a lot. i am in 2 choirs currently. generally i am in three, every now and then 4. i rehearse a minimum twice a week. i perform minor shows at least once a month, major shows up to 6 times a year. so i sing heaps... but i miss music ministry. there really is nothing that compares with praising god by singing. i have never felt on any stage singing any song what i have felt at the front of a church worshiping god. that is about the only thing i miss about church. and although both services were insanely different, and the baptist service this morning was really very good, i have no desire to return to church. but i do still, and always will miss music ministry...
Merry Christmas
That is all.
20091225
20091220
not sure
i'm really not sure what i did. i don't even know if i did anything. but for some reason i seem to be getting no responses. but i'm kinda happy coz i'm more pissed off than upset, so that means a step forward, no matter how small...
20091217
i AM a grown up
really i am... been living at mums for about three months. move out on monday.
this morning i got up after 5 hours sleep and sleepily wandered to the ironing board with dress in hand to wear today. i have two xmas parties on today. mum offered to iron it while i went and had a shower.
whilst in the shower i hear through the door, ur dress has a mark on it, want me to wash it and bring it to you at work? you can wear my xmas skirt and dear santa t-shirt for the morning if you want (shirt - Dear Santa, Define good...). i replied don't worry about the washing but yeah if i could borrow her clothes that would be great (i have plenty of clothes but i really like the dear santa shirt!). i got out of the shower and she had already hand washed my dress and put it in the machine to spin dry, and had started cutting up fruit for my breakfast. while i ate breaky she went down to check my dress in the machine and it turned out that somehow the machine had put some orange stains on it, so she put it in to soak and apologised that she wouldnt be able to bring it to me to change...
isn't she just the sweetest!!!
I love you Mum. always and forever. Thank you for being who you are, and for raising me to be who i am.
that is all.
this morning i got up after 5 hours sleep and sleepily wandered to the ironing board with dress in hand to wear today. i have two xmas parties on today. mum offered to iron it while i went and had a shower.
whilst in the shower i hear through the door, ur dress has a mark on it, want me to wash it and bring it to you at work? you can wear my xmas skirt and dear santa t-shirt for the morning if you want (shirt - Dear Santa, Define good...). i replied don't worry about the washing but yeah if i could borrow her clothes that would be great (i have plenty of clothes but i really like the dear santa shirt!). i got out of the shower and she had already hand washed my dress and put it in the machine to spin dry, and had started cutting up fruit for my breakfast. while i ate breaky she went down to check my dress in the machine and it turned out that somehow the machine had put some orange stains on it, so she put it in to soak and apologised that she wouldnt be able to bring it to me to change...
isn't she just the sweetest!!!
I love you Mum. always and forever. Thank you for being who you are, and for raising me to be who i am.
that is all.
20091216
is that all?
why can't i just stop hoping. if i could just get that to stop then maybe everything else would be ok...
that is all.
that is all.
20091214
I had a dream...
that line is the start of so many things. martin luther, a song on the Baz Lurhman Romeo and Juliette soundtrack. i'm going with the second one.. but anyway, i had a dream last night..
my first GL/Venice Dream.
Not the "freakin super hero" Crystal Chappell, not the "adorabley gorgeous" Jessica Leccia, not the "worlds first lesbian mayor" Orlagh Cassidy, not even "i'm addicted to twitter and making dreams come true" kimmy T. Nope, the object of my desires seems to be "the enigma" Hope Royaltey.
It felt like i was in NYC, but logic tells me it was LA. Kimmy lived acros the road and up a few houses.
I was walking along the road + got to opposite Hope's house + stopped. there were a few guys over the road and then hope appeared, just getting home it seemed. she made eye contact with me, kind of acknowledged me and then went inside. i knew she wanted me to wait. in a few moments the guys left and Hope re-opened the door to let me in. i don't think we had ever met but she knew who i was - no introductions. the outside of the building was art deco style - 4 appartments, two up two down, but inside seemed much older, bigger rooms, high ceilings, flooded with light. most of the rooms were empty, she was obviously re-decorating. i offered my services with a paintbrush, but she said she wasn't up to painting yet, so i said i was equally skilled with a sanding block - she'll keep that in mind.
not long after Kimmy came over and (unconnected) Hope suddenly needed crutches. As if she only had so much strength in a day and she was all out. She had a big TV that needed to be moved, so i offered thinking Kimmy would help me, but somehow (love dreamland) Hope helped me, crutches and all. We ended up backing into the table she wanted it on and both sitting with the TV on our laps having a giggle, she nodded and we got up together and moved it to where it should be.
Than my alarm went off and i was running late so i couldn't ignore it and keep dreaming.
there wasn't much furniture in her place - her bedroom was done + there were couches, TV, dining table and that was about it. we were really comfortable together, even having apparently never met. Kimmy didn't bat an eyelid at my presence at all. wish i could have kept sleeping...
that is all.
my first GL/Venice Dream.
Not the "freakin super hero" Crystal Chappell, not the "adorabley gorgeous" Jessica Leccia, not the "worlds first lesbian mayor" Orlagh Cassidy, not even "i'm addicted to twitter and making dreams come true" kimmy T. Nope, the object of my desires seems to be "the enigma" Hope Royaltey.
It felt like i was in NYC, but logic tells me it was LA. Kimmy lived acros the road and up a few houses.
I was walking along the road + got to opposite Hope's house + stopped. there were a few guys over the road and then hope appeared, just getting home it seemed. she made eye contact with me, kind of acknowledged me and then went inside. i knew she wanted me to wait. in a few moments the guys left and Hope re-opened the door to let me in. i don't think we had ever met but she knew who i was - no introductions. the outside of the building was art deco style - 4 appartments, two up two down, but inside seemed much older, bigger rooms, high ceilings, flooded with light. most of the rooms were empty, she was obviously re-decorating. i offered my services with a paintbrush, but she said she wasn't up to painting yet, so i said i was equally skilled with a sanding block - she'll keep that in mind.
not long after Kimmy came over and (unconnected) Hope suddenly needed crutches. As if she only had so much strength in a day and she was all out. She had a big TV that needed to be moved, so i offered thinking Kimmy would help me, but somehow (love dreamland) Hope helped me, crutches and all. We ended up backing into the table she wanted it on and both sitting with the TV on our laps having a giggle, she nodded and we got up together and moved it to where it should be.
Than my alarm went off and i was running late so i couldn't ignore it and keep dreaming.
there wasn't much furniture in her place - her bedroom was done + there were couches, TV, dining table and that was about it. we were really comfortable together, even having apparently never met. Kimmy didn't bat an eyelid at my presence at all. wish i could have kept sleeping...
that is all.
20091213
moments and years
it's 2:52am. i'm going to try something different. i generally have a thought in my head and my blog posts come out very quickly, 5 - 10 mins tops. tonight, this morning really, i am going to write about the year that is now coming to an end, as a series of moments. due to the delight of editing and retyping i am going to put them in chronological order as much as i can. i am listening to "I didn't just kiss her" by Jen Foster, "Heal Over" by KT Tunstall and "Miss Me" by Kat Parsons. i've also learnt how to put links into my blog!
my friends and i were talking tonight about the fact that the year is almost over and we are all generally glad to see the back of it, coz wehave all had some completely shitty moments. i have had some really shitty moments too, but i don't think i would say it was a bad year.
1st January - 12:01am. watching the melbourne fireworks on tv. not my idea of how to ring in the new year. disappointment.
Big Day Out - wow. a day spent with my brothers. a day of great music, seeing the prodigy live, hot sweaty, smelly, wet, loud to the point of feeling every beat of music in every fibre of my body. one of the most primal feelings i have ever had in such a public forum. people crammed into a massive space. human life all celebrating sound together. energy to dance came from no-where after a massively long day. just phenomenal. i really can't put it into words.
february - fairy queen. perform an opera with Sydney Gay and Lesbian Choir and some of Australia's up and coming opera stars. this was the building of some great friendships.
so many moments i don't remember early in the year. i know i was miserable overall. hated my place of employment. no respect for a hard job that i did accurately, in a timely manner and without bugging anyone else. yeah i could be belligerent at times, but god damn i have now been gone from there since april, and they still don't have any decent results from the (3rd) person they hired to replace me. if they wanted to pay me more and respect my work i would go back there, but they can't afford me.
wasn't happy at home either. for so many little reasons which i am not going to go into.
april. new job. responsibilities drop about 5 steps, pay goes up about $5k, hours go down by 5. enjoyment of place i work, through the roof. job satisfaction... minimal. monkey button job, wasting my brain and my potential. i can live with that.
ok, it's now 3:47am and my brain is shutting down. i will finish this tomorrow...
now 1pm sunday. just woken up after 9 hrs sleep. lovely.
by this time of year i was really starting to think about my relationship. did i want to be there anymore? i came up wth a no, but then took my time to do anything about that. i spoke to a friend or two, but still was stuck where i was because i just couldn't bring myself to change anything. again, nothing sticks out in my mind. a group of friends were having dinner together every couple of weeks and they were hilarious night's, so many laughs it was fantastic. except that we had called the group the abandoned wives club. the first couple to break was heather and ton. that came as a shock to every single one of us, and Heather was completely devastated and heartbroken, and didn't cope at all for so many months afterwards. she still hasn't gone back to work...
june. my 30th birthday. great party with about 40 people, exactly what i wanted. 10 days later i left rose.
july. discovered GL and Crystal Chappell. took over my life for a while. i was frustrated randomly and it took me a while to work out it was the tension of the show that was making me antsy. spent two weeks on stage in front of up to 700 people every night and i didn't feel it. that really upset me. being onstage is like oxygen to me, performing is what i know, what i do, what i have done since i was about 8yrs old. to get on stage and not feel it after 22 years was not good. so i have not auditioned for the show for next year. that's gonna be a big whole. these people are some of my best and oldest friends and it's going to be weird not seeing them every week for half the year.
ok, this isn't going as i planned... it's taking me forever and i am not thinking well.. suffice to say that this year i have had some terrible lows. i've left a relationship and been left. my heart has had a trampling and i am by no means healed. i have made some amazing new friends, some i have met face to face, some i have not. i have had hysterical tears, caused by both sadness and laughter. i had moments of abject despair. i have moments of bounding joy. over all my year has been tough, i have had some major changes and major heartaches. but when i look back i am happy.
2:42pm. 12 hours. that is all.
my friends and i were talking tonight about the fact that the year is almost over and we are all generally glad to see the back of it, coz wehave all had some completely shitty moments. i have had some really shitty moments too, but i don't think i would say it was a bad year.
1st January - 12:01am. watching the melbourne fireworks on tv. not my idea of how to ring in the new year. disappointment.
Big Day Out - wow. a day spent with my brothers. a day of great music, seeing the prodigy live, hot sweaty, smelly, wet, loud to the point of feeling every beat of music in every fibre of my body. one of the most primal feelings i have ever had in such a public forum. people crammed into a massive space. human life all celebrating sound together. energy to dance came from no-where after a massively long day. just phenomenal. i really can't put it into words.
february - fairy queen. perform an opera with Sydney Gay and Lesbian Choir and some of Australia's up and coming opera stars. this was the building of some great friendships.
so many moments i don't remember early in the year. i know i was miserable overall. hated my place of employment. no respect for a hard job that i did accurately, in a timely manner and without bugging anyone else. yeah i could be belligerent at times, but god damn i have now been gone from there since april, and they still don't have any decent results from the (3rd) person they hired to replace me. if they wanted to pay me more and respect my work i would go back there, but they can't afford me.
wasn't happy at home either. for so many little reasons which i am not going to go into.
april. new job. responsibilities drop about 5 steps, pay goes up about $5k, hours go down by 5. enjoyment of place i work, through the roof. job satisfaction... minimal. monkey button job, wasting my brain and my potential. i can live with that.
ok, it's now 3:47am and my brain is shutting down. i will finish this tomorrow...
now 1pm sunday. just woken up after 9 hrs sleep. lovely.
by this time of year i was really starting to think about my relationship. did i want to be there anymore? i came up wth a no, but then took my time to do anything about that. i spoke to a friend or two, but still was stuck where i was because i just couldn't bring myself to change anything. again, nothing sticks out in my mind. a group of friends were having dinner together every couple of weeks and they were hilarious night's, so many laughs it was fantastic. except that we had called the group the abandoned wives club. the first couple to break was heather and ton. that came as a shock to every single one of us, and Heather was completely devastated and heartbroken, and didn't cope at all for so many months afterwards. she still hasn't gone back to work...
june. my 30th birthday. great party with about 40 people, exactly what i wanted. 10 days later i left rose.
july. discovered GL and Crystal Chappell. took over my life for a while. i was frustrated randomly and it took me a while to work out it was the tension of the show that was making me antsy. spent two weeks on stage in front of up to 700 people every night and i didn't feel it. that really upset me. being onstage is like oxygen to me, performing is what i know, what i do, what i have done since i was about 8yrs old. to get on stage and not feel it after 22 years was not good. so i have not auditioned for the show for next year. that's gonna be a big whole. these people are some of my best and oldest friends and it's going to be weird not seeing them every week for half the year.
ok, this isn't going as i planned... it's taking me forever and i am not thinking well.. suffice to say that this year i have had some terrible lows. i've left a relationship and been left. my heart has had a trampling and i am by no means healed. i have made some amazing new friends, some i have met face to face, some i have not. i have had hysterical tears, caused by both sadness and laughter. i had moments of abject despair. i have moments of bounding joy. over all my year has been tough, i have had some major changes and major heartaches. but when i look back i am happy.
2:42pm. 12 hours. that is all.
20091204
contradictionary...
yeah i made up that word... i like it... it has been brought to my attention, so many times in my life, but again recently, what a contradiction i am.
i have a shaved head. my eyelashes are frequetly, and currently, tinted. i also have acrylic nails right now, and even when i can't afford the maintanence of them i take good care of my nails. i wear mens shorts, or dresses. i have 9 tattoos and i like to cross stitch while waiting around at choir. i will hapilly sit in the yard and fix the lawn mower and my favourite toy is meccano. my favourite songs are by mozart and marylin manson. i love chic flicks, and chic lit. i have only recently started wearing womens jeans, and still have a number of mens jeans in my wardrobe. i pay no attention to fashion, but the jeans i bought the other day are the latest style, complete with holes. on the outside i am tough, but i am one of the most loyal and caring friends you could hope for. i'm a big softy. i hate birthdays, or my birthday anyway. i hate all commercial celebration, valntines, mothers day etc, but i love xmas and everything it entails, the carols, the tree, shopping with the masses in the city. most days i'd be happy to be androgynous, though i love my feminine side, but that doesn't mean you can call me a lady. i bake. i wanted to join the army, but they wouldn' take me (on medical grounds).
i'm me.
that is all.
i have a shaved head. my eyelashes are frequetly, and currently, tinted. i also have acrylic nails right now, and even when i can't afford the maintanence of them i take good care of my nails. i wear mens shorts, or dresses. i have 9 tattoos and i like to cross stitch while waiting around at choir. i will hapilly sit in the yard and fix the lawn mower and my favourite toy is meccano. my favourite songs are by mozart and marylin manson. i love chic flicks, and chic lit. i have only recently started wearing womens jeans, and still have a number of mens jeans in my wardrobe. i pay no attention to fashion, but the jeans i bought the other day are the latest style, complete with holes. on the outside i am tough, but i am one of the most loyal and caring friends you could hope for. i'm a big softy. i hate birthdays, or my birthday anyway. i hate all commercial celebration, valntines, mothers day etc, but i love xmas and everything it entails, the carols, the tree, shopping with the masses in the city. most days i'd be happy to be androgynous, though i love my feminine side, but that doesn't mean you can call me a lady. i bake. i wanted to join the army, but they wouldn' take me (on medical grounds).
i'm me.
that is all.
20091203
20091130
...
solicitous love
different to romantic love?
no desire to have anything returned
just wanting to care
and give
and fill a space
to make sure that you want for nothing
that is in my power
to ease the worries, the hurts
to wipe away the tears
and bring back the smile
or hold you while you cry it all out.
can you base a relationship on that?
different to romantic love?
no desire to have anything returned
just wanting to care
and give
and fill a space
to make sure that you want for nothing
that is in my power
to ease the worries, the hurts
to wipe away the tears
and bring back the smile
or hold you while you cry it all out.
can you base a relationship on that?
20091126
emotions are people too...
i can't hold on
or maybe better still
i don't want to
please
let me go
let me be at peace
without you
twisting my guts
making me crave
the opportunity to cry
shutting me down
i felt fine
until you came along
and then it was over
that happy bubble
shattered by your peircing insecurities
so please
leave me alone
i don't want you
i don't need you
i can't hold on
please
let me go.
or maybe better still
i don't want to
please
let me go
let me be at peace
without you
twisting my guts
making me crave
the opportunity to cry
shutting me down
i felt fine
until you came along
and then it was over
that happy bubble
shattered by your peircing insecurities
so please
leave me alone
i don't want you
i don't need you
i can't hold on
please
let me go.
20091125
i thought...
and maybe that's my problem. i thought. what i thought, was, if not exactly a plan, then an intention. didn't happen. or more accuratley isn't going to happen. and i just wanna crawl in a ball and cry. which is pathetic really. childish. makes me really unhappy with myself. i can't even write anything decent..
that is all.
that is all.
20091124
someone elses words
VENICE BEACH
Words & Music by Jen Foster
http://www.jenfoster.com/
Hey, you say you’re looking for something you’ve never found
Well, the last time I checked I was lost and wanderin’ around
‘Cause I know just how it feels to be the best thing you ever had
But still not quite good enough to be the last one
And there you go again spinning all your wheels
You never know what you’ve got until you lose it
And here I am still waiting after all these years
You can look all over this great big world
You can look down every street
In every bookstore, on every dance floor
At every girl you meet
You can drive out to California
And chase down all of your dreams
I’m sure you’ll find someone beautiful
But you’ll never, you’ll never find me
Hey, they say that real love is completely letting go
Well, my hands are way up in the air and you’re somewhere in Arizona
Just a few more hundred miles and you’ll have everything you need
Except these arms to hold you when that lie brings you to your knees
And there you go again spinning all your wheels
You never know what you’ve got until you lose it
And here I am still waiting after all these years
You can look all over this great big world
You can look down every street
In every bookstore, in every dive bar
At every girl you meet
And when you look out over the ocean
From the shores of Venice Beach
I know you’ll find the brightest stars
But you’ll never, you’ll never find me
Oh, you’ll never find me...
You can look all over this great big world
You can look down every street
In every bookstore, in every dive bar
At every girl you meet
And when you look out over the ocean
From the shores of Venice Beach
I know you’ll find the brightest stars
But you’ll never, you’ll never find me
Oh, you'll never find me
(i want this to be me. i want to be unfindable in a way. i want to have been the best you ever had, but you didn't realise it and now you can't have me. that's who i wish i was right now)
Words & Music by Jen Foster
http://www.jenfoster.com/
Hey, you say you’re looking for something you’ve never found
Well, the last time I checked I was lost and wanderin’ around
‘Cause I know just how it feels to be the best thing you ever had
But still not quite good enough to be the last one
And there you go again spinning all your wheels
You never know what you’ve got until you lose it
And here I am still waiting after all these years
You can look all over this great big world
You can look down every street
In every bookstore, on every dance floor
At every girl you meet
You can drive out to California
And chase down all of your dreams
I’m sure you’ll find someone beautiful
But you’ll never, you’ll never find me
Hey, they say that real love is completely letting go
Well, my hands are way up in the air and you’re somewhere in Arizona
Just a few more hundred miles and you’ll have everything you need
Except these arms to hold you when that lie brings you to your knees
And there you go again spinning all your wheels
You never know what you’ve got until you lose it
And here I am still waiting after all these years
You can look all over this great big world
You can look down every street
In every bookstore, in every dive bar
At every girl you meet
And when you look out over the ocean
From the shores of Venice Beach
I know you’ll find the brightest stars
But you’ll never, you’ll never find me
Oh, you’ll never find me...
You can look all over this great big world
You can look down every street
In every bookstore, in every dive bar
At every girl you meet
And when you look out over the ocean
From the shores of Venice Beach
I know you’ll find the brightest stars
But you’ll never, you’ll never find me
Oh, you'll never find me
(i want this to be me. i want to be unfindable in a way. i want to have been the best you ever had, but you didn't realise it and now you can't have me. that's who i wish i was right now)
20091120
untitled is still a title
abandonment
violence
letting go
stepping back so i don't have to be pushed.
these are things i have to look into. i want to turn my brain off. i need something mindless and all consuming. i wish i could meditate, but i can't stop my mind. i need to play a sport. as an outlet. i have karate. maybe i'll go home and do a class on my own. that would probably be a good thing right now. something to concentrate on other than the issues above.
that is all
violence
letting go
stepping back so i don't have to be pushed.
these are things i have to look into. i want to turn my brain off. i need something mindless and all consuming. i wish i could meditate, but i can't stop my mind. i need to play a sport. as an outlet. i have karate. maybe i'll go home and do a class on my own. that would probably be a good thing right now. something to concentrate on other than the issues above.
that is all
what i see
decided to change this post. put it elsewhere, currently unfindable, might link it one day. And i have intelligence that suggests i may have been wrong. i really hope i am.
my family think i'm losing my mind
but maybe i keep it where they can't find it.
i carry it with me.
and i keep it on paper
everytime it gets too full
i empty it out
one
word
at
a
time
one thought to completion,
never fully completed
jumping
from one wave
to the next
without the slightest link
or at least no link
that you can see
or follow
stream of consciousness
like water flowing through rocks
each one changing the flow
disturbing the surface
leaves float by
get tossed and sunk
surface again when the water is smooth
or smoother.
who ever really has complete calm,
complete release from trials and errors
in my head
there is always some turmoil
some little piece of gravel
being turned over and over
i don't think my brain
could make a pearl
worrying that grain of sand
to a high shine
a beautiful gem
precious stone
worth something to others
but just a grain of sand to me.
by writing things down
i can't forget them
but i don't have to remember them
they are always there
always going to remind me
of what i have
and who i am
and where i've been
whilst sitting in my cahir
moving only enough muscles to write
and no more
complete concentraion
to the exclusion of everything else
but my mind
lost to you
but found to me
on paper
forever.
i carry it with me.
and i keep it on paper
everytime it gets too full
i empty it out
one
word
at
a
time
one thought to completion,
never fully completed
jumping
from one wave
to the next
without the slightest link
or at least no link
that you can see
or follow
stream of consciousness
like water flowing through rocks
each one changing the flow
disturbing the surface
leaves float by
get tossed and sunk
surface again when the water is smooth
or smoother.
who ever really has complete calm,
complete release from trials and errors
in my head
there is always some turmoil
some little piece of gravel
being turned over and over
i don't think my brain
could make a pearl
worrying that grain of sand
to a high shine
a beautiful gem
precious stone
worth something to others
but just a grain of sand to me.
by writing things down
i can't forget them
but i don't have to remember them
they are always there
always going to remind me
of what i have
and who i am
and where i've been
whilst sitting in my cahir
moving only enough muscles to write
and no more
complete concentraion
to the exclusion of everything else
but my mind
lost to you
but found to me
on paper
forever.
20091117
days like rollercoasters
the weekend was awesome, yesterday was a monday, but good for that. till quite late, then it all fell flat and now it's just ok again now it's tuesday. and i'm going to keep waiting. it's not going to be me today.
cryptic, but i don't feel like giving anymore away.
that is all
cryptic, but i don't feel like giving anymore away.
that is all
20091109
you are alive
"if you are reading this, congrtulations, you are alive. if that's not something to smile about then i don't know what is"
I said this to a friend this morning, in the context of it being a quote that really helped me get through my week. admittedly, it's been a hard week. her response was that it is a really depressing quote, she wants to be more than just alive. it made me realise that my view and hers of "alive" differ quite extremely. the feeling she gets when one uses alive as a response to "how are you" (just for example) is that they are just barey coping, all they are feeling is heart beats and not much more. now higher functioning, no happiness, just barely hanging on to life. whereas, i really agree very strongly with the quote above. if being alive is not something to smile about then i really don't know what is. life is such a prescious gift. i mean wow, you wake up in the morning, you stretch and yawn and wish you could sleep another hour, and drag yourself off to the shower and the coffee, and you are ALIVE! another day, a new experience. alive may seem like such a small thing at times, but without it you have nothing else. NOTHING ELSE. you feel pain, you have bad days, you have great days, you have friends and enemies, and people in ur life who make no impact, and people who have been in ur life for 7 weeks and have changed it forever. this is Alive, this is life. there is nothing more amazing or more wonderful, even in it's shittiest moments, the moments when you rail against fate, rail against ur own existense. because there are moments when you soar, when you are at the height of achievement, when you are surrounded by friends and laughter, and i wouldn't trade all that pain for death, for the decision to never feel that happiness again. i almost did once. i never will again.
that is all
I said this to a friend this morning, in the context of it being a quote that really helped me get through my week. admittedly, it's been a hard week. her response was that it is a really depressing quote, she wants to be more than just alive. it made me realise that my view and hers of "alive" differ quite extremely. the feeling she gets when one uses alive as a response to "how are you" (just for example) is that they are just barey coping, all they are feeling is heart beats and not much more. now higher functioning, no happiness, just barely hanging on to life. whereas, i really agree very strongly with the quote above. if being alive is not something to smile about then i really don't know what is. life is such a prescious gift. i mean wow, you wake up in the morning, you stretch and yawn and wish you could sleep another hour, and drag yourself off to the shower and the coffee, and you are ALIVE! another day, a new experience. alive may seem like such a small thing at times, but without it you have nothing else. NOTHING ELSE. you feel pain, you have bad days, you have great days, you have friends and enemies, and people in ur life who make no impact, and people who have been in ur life for 7 weeks and have changed it forever. this is Alive, this is life. there is nothing more amazing or more wonderful, even in it's shittiest moments, the moments when you rail against fate, rail against ur own existense. because there are moments when you soar, when you are at the height of achievement, when you are surrounded by friends and laughter, and i wouldn't trade all that pain for death, for the decision to never feel that happiness again. i almost did once. i never will again.
that is all
20091102
whats wrong
with me.
this time makes three.
i like you, but not enough. oh wait, maybe i do. no hang on, i don't, sorry bout that. 3 women in my life have done this to me. the first time we followed that up with 2 more years, the second time i apparently became such a completely unacceptable social leper that there is barely a friendship, and now this time. i don't want to lose, but i don't know how to play it so i don't.do i hold back so she misses me and there fore wants to come back? but what if she decides she can do without me? do i give her the closeness i know she wants? that she practically asked for? but if i give her that why would sh edecide to come back? she can get nealry everything she wants from me without having to committ... i'm just confused and sad. i don't know how to play to win.
this time makes three.
i like you, but not enough. oh wait, maybe i do. no hang on, i don't, sorry bout that. 3 women in my life have done this to me. the first time we followed that up with 2 more years, the second time i apparently became such a completely unacceptable social leper that there is barely a friendship, and now this time. i don't want to lose, but i don't know how to play it so i don't.do i hold back so she misses me and there fore wants to come back? but what if she decides she can do without me? do i give her the closeness i know she wants? that she practically asked for? but if i give her that why would sh edecide to come back? she can get nealry everything she wants from me without having to committ... i'm just confused and sad. i don't know how to play to win.
20091009
unfinished. maybe.
i don;t know, this might be finished, but it might not be. my poems seem to write them selves. and while this doesn't necessarily read like it's finished, there has been no more for a week.
my heart is beating.
beating me up,
beating me down.
the pain of it inside my ribs
i need it to beat
i can't be rid of it
but it's doing more
than keeping me alive.
it's making me live
through pain
with pain.
heartache has a whole new meaning
with you
my heart is beating.
beating me up,
beating me down.
the pain of it inside my ribs
i need it to beat
i can't be rid of it
but it's doing more
than keeping me alive.
it's making me live
through pain
with pain.
heartache has a whole new meaning
with you
20091006
why not
Why me
Why am I being ignored
Why am I crying
Why do I care
Why does it hurt so much
Why is something so many don’t care about so unacceptable to you
Why does it matter to me
Why are YOU so far away
Why do I still feel like the same insecure 15 yr old
When will I grow out of that
Why does it sting
Why do I want to hurt myself more when I am already hurting so much
Why am i hurting
How did you get close enough to affect me this way
Why can’t I just man up
Or suck it up princess.
why do i need a hug so badly
why do i want it from you most of all
Why
Why
WHY.
The questions never end
Why am I being ignored
Why am I crying
Why do I care
Why does it hurt so much
Why is something so many don’t care about so unacceptable to you
Why does it matter to me
Why are YOU so far away
Why do I still feel like the same insecure 15 yr old
When will I grow out of that
Why does it sting
Why do I want to hurt myself more when I am already hurting so much
Why am i hurting
How did you get close enough to affect me this way
Why can’t I just man up
Or suck it up princess.
why do i need a hug so badly
why do i want it from you most of all
Why
Why
WHY.
The questions never end
20090928
i like movies that make you think about stuff
you know, important stuff. like the end of the world, or whether being kissed is really a big deal.
i started writing this post earlier, but then my computer at it, so here i am starting again. as always i was more eloquent in my opeining the first time around, but here is what you get now.
last night i watched 500 Days of Summer. good movie, funny and thinkable. you know, when you come out with a pondering? towards the end of the movie there is a narrative aboutthe average day, you wake up, you go to work, you come home, nothing special happens and your life is not particularly changed. one exact line is "most days have no impact on the course of a life." I disagree, just a little. kinda. the thought that nothing changes day to day, but when you look back everything has changed. i think everyday does have an imact on your life, you just don't realise it. it's so small you don't see it. the world loses it's magic, and we fail to see these tiny little pieces of change. why does the world lose it's magic? i think knowledge blinds us. we see a plant flower, and instead of being amazed by the beauty and nature of it's existenxe, we remember what we learned in science class when we were 15. this is how the world loses it's magic. but regardless of what we "know" we should still be amazed. still look for the magic.
i sort of changed topics there, but it's my mind, and my blog, so get used to it. as i said to someone who made a comment recently that the angle sucked - suck it up, this is about me right now.
that is all
i started writing this post earlier, but then my computer at it, so here i am starting again. as always i was more eloquent in my opeining the first time around, but here is what you get now.
last night i watched 500 Days of Summer. good movie, funny and thinkable. you know, when you come out with a pondering? towards the end of the movie there is a narrative aboutthe average day, you wake up, you go to work, you come home, nothing special happens and your life is not particularly changed. one exact line is "most days have no impact on the course of a life." I disagree, just a little. kinda. the thought that nothing changes day to day, but when you look back everything has changed. i think everyday does have an imact on your life, you just don't realise it. it's so small you don't see it. the world loses it's magic, and we fail to see these tiny little pieces of change. why does the world lose it's magic? i think knowledge blinds us. we see a plant flower, and instead of being amazed by the beauty and nature of it's existenxe, we remember what we learned in science class when we were 15. this is how the world loses it's magic. but regardless of what we "know" we should still be amazed. still look for the magic.
i sort of changed topics there, but it's my mind, and my blog, so get used to it. as i said to someone who made a comment recently that the angle sucked - suck it up, this is about me right now.
that is all
20090923
the end of the world
is not due for another three years... but looking outside today you think it was now. Sydney is trending on twitter, and dust storm photo's are all over flicker and face book. it's like the rangapocolypse out there.
when i woke up this morning at about 7am, the light coming in my window was very yellow. so rather than press snooze i woke up and got out my camera. i didn't take this photo, this is one from designdyke Dan Warby. it looked my car had a new paint job over night. the roads are covered in dust, the trees are brown, and it's horrible to breath, esp as my lungs are still not 100% with the tail end of bronchitis. i can't explain how it feels to be out walking in a world that is normally bright, with blue and green tones, to have the whole thing turned orangey yellow. if you were colour blind, you wouldn't notice it, it would just look like a really thick fog that makes you sneeze. it's a very fine dust.
this apocalyptic outside world is making me feel a little weird. hard to describe, maybe trance like. time is moving slowly, but i am working efficiently. sounds are removed, like there is a greater distance than usual between myself and my colleagues. and all because the world outside is dusty and apricot coloured.
that is all
when i woke up this morning at about 7am, the light coming in my window was very yellow. so rather than press snooze i woke up and got out my camera. i didn't take this photo, this is one from designdyke Dan Warby. it looked my car had a new paint job over night. the roads are covered in dust, the trees are brown, and it's horrible to breath, esp as my lungs are still not 100% with the tail end of bronchitis. i can't explain how it feels to be out walking in a world that is normally bright, with blue and green tones, to have the whole thing turned orangey yellow. if you were colour blind, you wouldn't notice it, it would just look like a really thick fog that makes you sneeze. it's a very fine dust.
this apocalyptic outside world is making me feel a little weird. hard to describe, maybe trance like. time is moving slowly, but i am working efficiently. sounds are removed, like there is a greater distance than usual between myself and my colleagues. and all because the world outside is dusty and apricot coloured.
that is all
20090906
today i will twitlonger
i was going to tweet all of this, but then decided i had more to say.
This morning i sang with a firend - it was fun and we are going to be awesome!. audition to do a song from Rent in our next choir concert. Doing Take me or Leave me - with a little bot of creative staging we are making it a proposal song, to go with the theme of the concert which is Gay marriage.
I washed the car today - actually i washed two cars today, mine and mum's. She drives a strange bargain - she wanted me to do stuff - you know, important stuff - and i wanted to wash my car. she said i could wash mine if i did hers too. OK. no probs. two cars washed. and i mean i actually got out the hose and the bucket and washed them myself, none of this have coffee while i pay someone else to do it... got a little sun enough to make the back of my neck just a little pink. matches my new purple hair... love the aussie sun - hot enough to burn you in the time it takes to wash two cars... this is why i don't go out in it too often... i don't tan, i burn then peel...
that is all.
This morning i sang with a firend - it was fun and we are going to be awesome!. audition to do a song from Rent in our next choir concert. Doing Take me or Leave me - with a little bot of creative staging we are making it a proposal song, to go with the theme of the concert which is Gay marriage.
I washed the car today - actually i washed two cars today, mine and mum's. She drives a strange bargain - she wanted me to do stuff - you know, important stuff - and i wanted to wash my car. she said i could wash mine if i did hers too. OK. no probs. two cars washed. and i mean i actually got out the hose and the bucket and washed them myself, none of this have coffee while i pay someone else to do it... got a little sun enough to make the back of my neck just a little pink. matches my new purple hair... love the aussie sun - hot enough to burn you in the time it takes to wash two cars... this is why i don't go out in it too often... i don't tan, i burn then peel...
that is all.
20090831
oh what a weekend
not much to say. i had a great weekend. I went to the Blackheath Choral Festival. one of my singing groups - Door In The Wall (go youtube us!) managed to be the poster children for the weekend, we were on the front page of the local news paper, and in the SMH Spectrum (that's our state wide weekend paper for those who are not local). We have had some good rehearsals over the past few weeks, but things were pretty much hit and miss. we got out on stage and we were amazing. it felt sooooo good, and apparently sounded fantastic. i'm so proud of us, and of being part of DITW. we rocked the festival. honestly, and not big headedly, there were probably only about 3 or 4 other choirs out of 20-odd that were of the same standard.
so apart from the singing... on friday we drove up the mountains, with good conversation and beer (i was not driving) and then we had dinner and drinks and lots of laughs till about midnight. there was a rumour that i was going to be in a relationship with Candy (not present over the weekend) and Sally was playing with my hair (it's like stroking a puppy, some people just can't help themselves) and gareth told sally to be careful coz i was gonna break her heart coz i was after candy - HAHAHA seriously. Sally and i may have been mildly flirting, but that was it, we were just boosting each others ego's, and doing it knowingly. overall it was just an awesome weekend spent with friends, with lots of good food, good laughs and LOTS of good wine!
so apart from the singing... on friday we drove up the mountains, with good conversation and beer (i was not driving) and then we had dinner and drinks and lots of laughs till about midnight. there was a rumour that i was going to be in a relationship with Candy (not present over the weekend) and Sally was playing with my hair (it's like stroking a puppy, some people just can't help themselves) and gareth told sally to be careful coz i was gonna break her heart coz i was after candy - HAHAHA seriously. Sally and i may have been mildly flirting, but that was it, we were just boosting each others ego's, and doing it knowingly. overall it was just an awesome weekend spent with friends, with lots of good food, good laughs and LOTS of good wine!
20090827
milo cupcakes FTMFW
FTMFW is one of my new catch phrases. it stands for "for the MF win" i'm sure you can work out the rest.
anyhoo, more cupcakes. these are a re-attempt, the last ones i wasn't measuring so thye ended up just wrong. this time i only have small patty cases, so they will be just not quite the right shape, a little flat.. coz i only have big pans. the two don't make for pretty shaped things...
if you don't know what milo is, then there is nothing i can do to help you. it's a (maybe) chocolate malt drink making powder that you mix with milk. it's part of every australians childhood, and adulthood too. hot in winter, cold in summer, it's great.
Milo Cupcakes
250g butter
1.5 cup sugar
3 eggs
2.5 cups SR flour
1 cup milo.
2 cups milk.
beat the butter, add the sugar and beat. add eggs 1 by 1 and beat. add flour, milo, milk, flour, milk, flour, beating the whole time. put in patty cases, not much more than half full. cook for 15, rotate every which way. cook for another 15, test. bob's your uncle.
now this is a thick mix. and my batch are still in the oven and i have people coming about now. like right now
that is all..
anyhoo, more cupcakes. these are a re-attempt, the last ones i wasn't measuring so thye ended up just wrong. this time i only have small patty cases, so they will be just not quite the right shape, a little flat.. coz i only have big pans. the two don't make for pretty shaped things...
if you don't know what milo is, then there is nothing i can do to help you. it's a (maybe) chocolate malt drink making powder that you mix with milk. it's part of every australians childhood, and adulthood too. hot in winter, cold in summer, it's great.
Milo Cupcakes
250g butter
1.5 cup sugar
3 eggs
2.5 cups SR flour
1 cup milo.
2 cups milk.
beat the butter, add the sugar and beat. add eggs 1 by 1 and beat. add flour, milo, milk, flour, milk, flour, beating the whole time. put in patty cases, not much more than half full. cook for 15, rotate every which way. cook for another 15, test. bob's your uncle.
now this is a thick mix. and my batch are still in the oven and i have people coming about now. like right now
that is all..
20090822
horny bird cupcakes.
the horny bird also known as red bull and grey goose.
i made cupcakes today. i think to make a really good cupcake you have to have the esence of something. as you can't get esence of red bull these are just good cupcakes of no specific distinguishable flavour. i'm sad about that coz i wanted to make really good cupcakes..
250g butter
1 cup suger
3 eggs
1t vanilla essence
2 cups of flat RB
3 cups SR flour.
whip the butter, add the sugar. beat. add eggs and vanilla. beat. flour, beat, red bul, beat, flour, beat, red bull, beat, flour. 1/2 fill patty cases, cook for 15 mins, then rotate and cook for another 18, all at 180C.
1 cup icing sugar
30-40 mls grey goose (about 2T)
mix, and put on top.
they are a great cake, gorgeous texture etc, but not really strong on the red bull flavour, and the sugar of the icing overtakes the vodka flavour.
Sorry Crystal, i tried...
i made cupcakes today. i think to make a really good cupcake you have to have the esence of something. as you can't get esence of red bull these are just good cupcakes of no specific distinguishable flavour. i'm sad about that coz i wanted to make really good cupcakes..
250g butter
1 cup suger
3 eggs
1t vanilla essence
2 cups of flat RB
3 cups SR flour.
whip the butter, add the sugar. beat. add eggs and vanilla. beat. flour, beat, red bul, beat, flour, beat, red bull, beat, flour. 1/2 fill patty cases, cook for 15 mins, then rotate and cook for another 18, all at 180C.
1 cup icing sugar
30-40 mls grey goose (about 2T)
mix, and put on top.
they are a great cake, gorgeous texture etc, but not really strong on the red bull flavour, and the sugar of the icing overtakes the vodka flavour.
Sorry Crystal, i tried...
20090816
i like my mums house
but sometimes i forget. i like the ladder that goes into the workroom in the roof. i like coming down into the cool house after being in the work room. i like the sun room in winter, and the brick lounge room in summer. i like the fact that mum loves her creature comforts so the heat is always on when it's even the slightest bit cold. i love that the cheap vodka lives in the laundry - it really is good for cleaning, and when you run out of the good vodka you just go downstairs and grab the cheap stuff. i love that there is always food, and when i decided on friday that i wanted to cook pilaf the ingredients all just existed in the cupboard and fridge. i love the little art deco hall tables, and i love the dog who sleeps only in doorways so you have to step over her. i love the cat with a tag on her collar that says obstreperous - stroppy. it suits her well. i love that both computers are always on, so you can just sit and play a bit, then up and go again, not go through the whole boot and shutdown process. i love the pool, though i rarely swim in it and i love the deck for eating lunch at any time of year. mum drives me nuts sometimes but i love her too. i couldn't live here, last time i tried it lasted 3 months then i moved in to a converted garage as an improvement...
that is all
that is all
20090810
uh-mericans
i work on a uni campus. a uni with lots of internationals. you know the ones that you can pick from across the courtyard? americans. i have been trying to work out why it is easy to tell amongst a group of 100 people which ones the maericans are. is it the fact that they wear track pants where most other's wear jeans? or the fact that they wear shorts and sweater - it's winter people put some long pants on - or is it the hair? i mean, we all have hair, we all use the same brands of shampoo and the same water, go to the same hairdressers, shop in the same places... is it the sweaters that say UCLA? no - those are fashion items available anywhere or for any tourist.
i really can't quite put my finger on it, but i can tell when there are americans in a group, long b4 i hear hem speak. hearing the talk is just confirmation...
do you have a theory?
that is all.
i really can't quite put my finger on it, but i can tell when there are americans in a group, long b4 i hear hem speak. hearing the talk is just confirmation...
do you have a theory?
that is all.
curses...
i struggle with links, but click above to go to a really short, cute, you tube.
i am about to nerd myself in a big way. in fact it's worse than nerd it's sad pathetic, i feel so ashamed coz i used to (still do?) look down on this kind of behaviour.
i am a fan of Crystal Chappell (said like chappelle corby). she is an american daytime tv actress. she's good looking, and funny, and generous to her fans. there are photo's all over the interwebz taken by fans when she has been on a break from filming in peapack NJ, she has done hour long podcast interviews. she spent two and a half hours in a live chat with hundreds of rabid fans. she answers questions. she interacts with us on twitter. now i'm gonna go further with this. i might almost go as far as to say i am obsessed. i like to watch a little bit of CC every day, or listen to a podcast or interview. i was off sick on friday and slept till 11. i slept till 11 on saturday. on sunday i woke @ 8am to go online for a live chat with CC!!! OMG, she spoke (kinda) to me. we all queued up to ask questions, i made it into the queue, and she answered my question!! i know that's not really speaking to me, but it was still exciting for me... - are you seeing the sad pathetic yet? i have had a twitter account for a while, now i actually use it coz CC twitters. getting a twitter from CC would make my day - it's called being chappelled, or Crystal-eyezed. i wanna be crystal-eyezed!
now the show she is on is Guiding Light (GL), which is the worlds longest running soap opera, going from radio to tv to make a total of 72 years. this september the last ever episode will be aired as CBS (#FUCBS) have cancelled it. The character she plays, and has done for 10 years is Olivia, the town vixen, having slept with most of the men and their fathers/sons. Olivia has had a heart transplant within the last year, and found herself being annoyed by the widow of the owner of the heart. these two have become partners in every sense, except for the fact that they have never kissed. well kinda never - you'd have to watch, or really want me to tell you, to understand. But they have declared their love, been affectionate towards one another and have told others they are together, so it's not like a xena thing where it's just subtext and no-one will ever know what the writers were intending. This is a real honest to god lesbian relationship on tv that has been and is being handled with the utmost respect and care by all involved, it would just be GOD DAMN ABOUT TIME AND FREAKIN' AWESOME if they would kiss, properly.
i am so insane currently about this story line, and Crystal that i am part of 3 facebook groups about it.
so that is how i am spending nearly every minute i have spare at the moment. if i'm not at work, or at one of three choirs, or helping my mother finish her TAFE major work, then i am in front of a computer screen, watching you tube, or at BPD (big purple dreams) or on twitter. it is taking over my life, and it's a little bit nuttz, but i am loving having something so honest and realistic to obsess over.
Thank you CC for your continuous generosity, and i know you know how it ends, but i hope it leaves the rest of us smiling.
that is all
i am about to nerd myself in a big way. in fact it's worse than nerd it's sad pathetic, i feel so ashamed coz i used to (still do?) look down on this kind of behaviour.
i am a fan of Crystal Chappell (said like chappelle corby). she is an american daytime tv actress. she's good looking, and funny, and generous to her fans. there are photo's all over the interwebz taken by fans when she has been on a break from filming in peapack NJ, she has done hour long podcast interviews. she spent two and a half hours in a live chat with hundreds of rabid fans. she answers questions. she interacts with us on twitter. now i'm gonna go further with this. i might almost go as far as to say i am obsessed. i like to watch a little bit of CC every day, or listen to a podcast or interview. i was off sick on friday and slept till 11. i slept till 11 on saturday. on sunday i woke @ 8am to go online for a live chat with CC!!! OMG, she spoke (kinda) to me. we all queued up to ask questions, i made it into the queue, and she answered my question!! i know that's not really speaking to me, but it was still exciting for me... - are you seeing the sad pathetic yet? i have had a twitter account for a while, now i actually use it coz CC twitters. getting a twitter from CC would make my day - it's called being chappelled, or Crystal-eyezed. i wanna be crystal-eyezed!
now the show she is on is Guiding Light (GL), which is the worlds longest running soap opera, going from radio to tv to make a total of 72 years. this september the last ever episode will be aired as CBS (#FUCBS) have cancelled it. The character she plays, and has done for 10 years is Olivia, the town vixen, having slept with most of the men and their fathers/sons. Olivia has had a heart transplant within the last year, and found herself being annoyed by the widow of the owner of the heart. these two have become partners in every sense, except for the fact that they have never kissed. well kinda never - you'd have to watch, or really want me to tell you, to understand. But they have declared their love, been affectionate towards one another and have told others they are together, so it's not like a xena thing where it's just subtext and no-one will ever know what the writers were intending. This is a real honest to god lesbian relationship on tv that has been and is being handled with the utmost respect and care by all involved, it would just be GOD DAMN ABOUT TIME AND FREAKIN' AWESOME if they would kiss, properly.
i am so insane currently about this story line, and Crystal that i am part of 3 facebook groups about it.
so that is how i am spending nearly every minute i have spare at the moment. if i'm not at work, or at one of three choirs, or helping my mother finish her TAFE major work, then i am in front of a computer screen, watching you tube, or at BPD (big purple dreams) or on twitter. it is taking over my life, and it's a little bit nuttz, but i am loving having something so honest and realistic to obsess over.
Thank you CC for your continuous generosity, and i know you know how it ends, but i hope it leaves the rest of us smiling.
that is all
20090802
sumac causes blindness
according to Xena - who, of course, is the great untold influence in all ancient history, oil that's got sumac in it will make you blind if you get it in ur eyes...
so i made cupcakes with it instead. they are good cupcakes, but could have taken almost double the amount of sumac. it's just a hint at the back if you know what you are tasting. a kind of lemony peppery taste. works really well in a cupcake. i'm going to make icing that is just a little lemony and sprinkle the smallest touch of ground sumac on top. mmm. i'll make them again, and add more.
Sumac cupcakes.
225g butter
2 cups sugar
3 eggs
3 cups SR flour
2 cups milk
vanilla essence
1 T ground sumac (at a minimum - i will ad at least 1.5 next time)
mix it all in a true cupcake fashion, put it in the oven for 15 mins, rotate every which way and then cook for about 15-20 mins more.
enjoy!
that is all
so i made cupcakes with it instead. they are good cupcakes, but could have taken almost double the amount of sumac. it's just a hint at the back if you know what you are tasting. a kind of lemony peppery taste. works really well in a cupcake. i'm going to make icing that is just a little lemony and sprinkle the smallest touch of ground sumac on top. mmm. i'll make them again, and add more.
Sumac cupcakes.
225g butter
2 cups sugar
3 eggs
3 cups SR flour
2 cups milk
vanilla essence
1 T ground sumac (at a minimum - i will ad at least 1.5 next time)
mix it all in a true cupcake fashion, put it in the oven for 15 mins, rotate every which way and then cook for about 15-20 mins more.
enjoy!
that is all
20090729
vanilla...
so have you ever knowlingly been the subject of someones fantasy. i have. i am. it's weirding me out. just a little, a late night text about where my hands are? hard to sleep after that. but god it's kinda awesome too... i'm a visual person, so my head is still spinning with the image that text created. it's hot. seriously. loving it. but still weirded out.
i'm so glad she doesn't do vanilla
that is all
i'm so glad she doesn't do vanilla
that is all
uuuggghhhhh
i have just finished another year of gang show. i am exhausted. i have a headache that won't go away. i am hating getting up in the morning, even after 9 hours sleep. i forgot to bring the good fish food to work again, so poor mowfrag gets flakes again... at least his tank is heated now. i need to get a filter too, but can't afford it this month, so he gets to have warm unfiltered water, which is only different to what he used to get by the fact that it is warm...
that is all. pretty boring hey...
that is all. pretty boring hey...
20090717
Don't forget you're ugly
I think I look reasonable. If I tell this to people though, there is guffawing and rolling of eyes. Girls are not supposed to think they’re pretty. We are supposed to be insecure to the point of obsession. Pout in front of the mirror and squeeze at the fat on our arms and bellies. Shove our fingers down our throats and lose sleep over the wrinkles around our eyes. When somebody compliments you on your appearance, deny it! Don’t say thank you or actually agree with them. Good god, the scandal.
the above is from Neekersneakers blog - click title of this to go there.
i'm not vain. i don't preen and prune for hours every day, or ever, i just get dressed and some days i do an alright job of it, look in the mirror and agree that i'm alright. not model style, but no-where near butt ugly though. on rare occasions i've even been known to say to myself "yeah, i'd do me." i've sometimes asked friends if they ever feel the same and they look at me blankly, or look at me like i've grown an extra head. what neeker says is so true. we have been conditioned as girls to not accept the compliment, to not like what we see in the mirror. and we can blame the media and we can blame peer pressure, but it is what it is right now and it's gonna take a forever to change i reckon. So girls, try it. go look in a mirror and appreciate what you see, n matter what it is, or how far or near you are to angelina jolie or catherine Zeta Jones in looks. Marlene deitrich was one of the biggest stars of her time, and rocked a tux like you wouldn't believe, but she was kinda ordinary looking too. glamour comes from inside....
that is all
the above is from Neekersneakers blog - click title of this to go there.
i'm not vain. i don't preen and prune for hours every day, or ever, i just get dressed and some days i do an alright job of it, look in the mirror and agree that i'm alright. not model style, but no-where near butt ugly though. on rare occasions i've even been known to say to myself "yeah, i'd do me." i've sometimes asked friends if they ever feel the same and they look at me blankly, or look at me like i've grown an extra head. what neeker says is so true. we have been conditioned as girls to not accept the compliment, to not like what we see in the mirror. and we can blame the media and we can blame peer pressure, but it is what it is right now and it's gonna take a forever to change i reckon. So girls, try it. go look in a mirror and appreciate what you see, n matter what it is, or how far or near you are to angelina jolie or catherine Zeta Jones in looks. Marlene deitrich was one of the biggest stars of her time, and rocked a tux like you wouldn't believe, but she was kinda ordinary looking too. glamour comes from inside....
that is all
20090707
stuff and nonsense.
every now and then i write stuff - i have a whole website full of it - some i will post over here every now and then... here is last nights musings...
she stands at the front of the room, conspicuous by the fact that she's alone. she's happy there, reading her notes, preparing for what she's about to do, while the rest of the rooms' occupants are still barely aware she is there. all in black, the only flash of colour is the red of her glasses, perched in her hair, which has the barest hint of blue when the light catches what is otherwise jet black. those who've seen her wardrobe know that summer - while muted - has colour, blues and purples, but winter is all black, and today is a very cold day. her appearance is almost severe, widows peak prominent with hair pulled back into a long, straight, tail, black top and long skirt revealing nothing but at the same time hinting at an entirely lovely and feminine figure, glasses now on her nose completing the look that says i am mature and respectable. she is the youngest in the room, but so many will never be aware of this fact. with a determined breath she turns to face the room. a hundred voices fade to silence and two hundred eyes watch as she raises her hands. by this simple gesture she has complete control of the room, everyone instantly aware of her sense of self, her tone of command, though she need not say a word to make her presence known and felt. with her hands she has commanded armies, made love swell and grow, expressed hate and brought tears to her audience. she can draw from her students emotions they didn't know they possessed and feelings that have lain dormant for years. she is a student herself but also a master in so many ways.
she is the conductor, of choir and orchestra, controlling a world of music with every minute gesture, pulling and pushing sound, making her audience think and feel by the control she has of the musicians in front of her. and all of this achieved in mono chromal silence.
that is all
she stands at the front of the room, conspicuous by the fact that she's alone. she's happy there, reading her notes, preparing for what she's about to do, while the rest of the rooms' occupants are still barely aware she is there. all in black, the only flash of colour is the red of her glasses, perched in her hair, which has the barest hint of blue when the light catches what is otherwise jet black. those who've seen her wardrobe know that summer - while muted - has colour, blues and purples, but winter is all black, and today is a very cold day. her appearance is almost severe, widows peak prominent with hair pulled back into a long, straight, tail, black top and long skirt revealing nothing but at the same time hinting at an entirely lovely and feminine figure, glasses now on her nose completing the look that says i am mature and respectable. she is the youngest in the room, but so many will never be aware of this fact. with a determined breath she turns to face the room. a hundred voices fade to silence and two hundred eyes watch as she raises her hands. by this simple gesture she has complete control of the room, everyone instantly aware of her sense of self, her tone of command, though she need not say a word to make her presence known and felt. with her hands she has commanded armies, made love swell and grow, expressed hate and brought tears to her audience. she can draw from her students emotions they didn't know they possessed and feelings that have lain dormant for years. she is a student herself but also a master in so many ways.
she is the conductor, of choir and orchestra, controlling a world of music with every minute gesture, pulling and pushing sound, making her audience think and feel by the control she has of the musicians in front of her. and all of this achieved in mono chromal silence.
that is all
20090706
our nations capital...
a few weekends ago now one of my choirs went to canberra to perform. now for those who have been to canberra you will understand how boring it is there. for those who haven't... there are amazing galleries, museum, two parliament houses, and no night life... it's cold and boring. but there is the fantastic suburb of fyshwick which has not only a lot of sex shops, but a lot of warehouse sized sex shops. now as a bunch of self respecting lesbians we did what was expected and went sex shopping... we bought this fantastic little vibrating penguin - Bertram. now imagine 5 single lesbians in a room with alcohol and bertram. now get ur mind out of porno-land and into reality. we had a ball. we watched bertram dance on a tabletop till his batteries died. we had shoulder massages (thanx lisa) and we talked, and talked till about 11 (nanna's, the lot of us) then we all slept, on our own...it was one of the most fun weekends i have ever had in canberra. and we went from the hotel, to rehearsal, back to the hotel, to the concert, back to the hotel. we went nowhere and did next to nothing, but god it was fun.
i'm going back to canberra to see a show woth a completely different group of (straight) friends next weekend. i can almost guarantee there will be no sex shopping, not even for the barely 18yr old boys. it will still be an awesome weekend, with plenty of alcohol, but just not the same...
i'm going back to canberra to see a show woth a completely different group of (straight) friends next weekend. i can almost guarantee there will be no sex shopping, not even for the barely 18yr old boys. it will still be an awesome weekend, with plenty of alcohol, but just not the same...
20090630
singular motion
i'm now 30 and single.... the practicalities and logistics of ending a relationship where we chose to co-habitate are sucky.
that is all
that is all
20090626
20090622
left overs...
well, they were a jar of cherries that had been there a while as opposed to left overs, but either way, they were in the fridge, then they were in the brownies, now they are all gone..
i didn't even make up the recipe, i used someone elses...
the basic mix was lots of butter, chocolate, sugar, eggs and cherries, with a little bit of flour, cooked for nearly an hour, still super moist... i'd make it again but we are mostly out of butter and chocolate...
and i am up to my eyeballs in rehearsals for about the next month so don't have time to bake. i have to do some real cooking tonight coz we are out of frozen meals - you know the bulk cook and store for those times when you are too lazy to cook... OMG we have run out... so i'm gonna do spaghetti and meat balls from my new 1000 AWW (Australian women's weekly) recipe book. and something with some chicken sausages... not sure yet...
on the reheasal front - this week alone i have a tonight at home, sectional on tuesday, rehearsal on wednesday, rehearsal on thursday, friday night drive to canberra, saturday rehearse all day then perform sat night, sunday crack of sparrow drive back to sydney for a cd recording... then it starts all over again...
that is all (all??? seriously????)
i didn't even make up the recipe, i used someone elses...
the basic mix was lots of butter, chocolate, sugar, eggs and cherries, with a little bit of flour, cooked for nearly an hour, still super moist... i'd make it again but we are mostly out of butter and chocolate...
and i am up to my eyeballs in rehearsals for about the next month so don't have time to bake. i have to do some real cooking tonight coz we are out of frozen meals - you know the bulk cook and store for those times when you are too lazy to cook... OMG we have run out... so i'm gonna do spaghetti and meat balls from my new 1000 AWW (Australian women's weekly) recipe book. and something with some chicken sausages... not sure yet...
on the reheasal front - this week alone i have a tonight at home, sectional on tuesday, rehearsal on wednesday, rehearsal on thursday, friday night drive to canberra, saturday rehearse all day then perform sat night, sunday crack of sparrow drive back to sydney for a cd recording... then it starts all over again...
that is all (all??? seriously????)
20090615
20090609
2 outta three
ain't bad, except when it's two outta 3 that you got wrong... like those verses in that song... or like the things i baked on the long weekend
you'd think it'd be perfect. three lazy days, no plans, gorgeous sunny days with cold wet nights, a house full of flour butter eggs and sugar... my jaffa cupcakes tasted strongly of neither chocolate or orange, the chocolate icing tasted too sweet and looked like a little pile of perfectly crafted dog shit. and they were sticky. like stick to the roof of your mouth kinda sticky.
then there was the pear slice that i tried for the second time. they started out so well, the butter rubbed into the chocolate cake mix beautifully then it pressed into the pan to form a perfectly flat surface, then i forgot to half bake it b4 i added the topping... also i either have a pan that is really to large, so the mix doesn't quite make the edges, or i have a pan that is really too small and the slice ends up to thick and throws the ratios out.
so that was my two sucky attempts. i did however, manage to put on a really good indoor picnic for the signing crew who all came around to rehearse. there was 11 of us, and they were all more than thrilled with the food.
i think i got some great photo's of bunny rabbits and orange trees, but i have yet to look at them on a big screen.
that is all.
you'd think it'd be perfect. three lazy days, no plans, gorgeous sunny days with cold wet nights, a house full of flour butter eggs and sugar... my jaffa cupcakes tasted strongly of neither chocolate or orange, the chocolate icing tasted too sweet and looked like a little pile of perfectly crafted dog shit. and they were sticky. like stick to the roof of your mouth kinda sticky.
then there was the pear slice that i tried for the second time. they started out so well, the butter rubbed into the chocolate cake mix beautifully then it pressed into the pan to form a perfectly flat surface, then i forgot to half bake it b4 i added the topping... also i either have a pan that is really to large, so the mix doesn't quite make the edges, or i have a pan that is really too small and the slice ends up to thick and throws the ratios out.
so that was my two sucky attempts. i did however, manage to put on a really good indoor picnic for the signing crew who all came around to rehearse. there was 11 of us, and they were all more than thrilled with the food.
i think i got some great photo's of bunny rabbits and orange trees, but i have yet to look at them on a big screen.
that is all.
20090526
it turns out
that my laziness with a keyboard and rebelliousness against a former place of employment make me seem incredibly gen y. according to http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/04/23/friends-dont-lie-2-friends/ my lack of capitals is very gen y... how disappointing for me, when i am so precariously entrenched in gen x...
20090525
sour cream thief
i was going to bake, but between buying sour cream and having time to bake on sunday someone (gee i wonder) ate some sour cream. so i didn't bake, coz i needed a full tub. oh well, i will bake some time this week. not sure when - i am singing tonight, having kylies chicken on tuesday, singing on wednesday, singing on thursday then having a friend over for dinner on friday. i need to have half my baking done for sat morning, the other half was for me to enjoy this week... but such is my life - i'll fit it in some time, it should only take half an hour, so maybe if the sour cream is at home tonight i will bake when i get back from singing...
20090520
slice....
the recipe below is not mine. it is something i ate last week. i will be making it soon, and then it will be mine, coz i'm gonna make it different. i just need somewhere to put this so i don't lose it...
sour cream slice
1 pkt plain cake mix
add 125g melted butter and
1 cup coconut
spread mix in slice pan, press down and bake in 180C for approx 20min.
spread with 1 sml tin of pie apple (or stew ur own)
top with a mix of 300ml sour cream and 1 egg (beaten together)
sprinkle with cinnamon and bake for another 15-20 min, until sour cream sets.
seriously good stuff... when i make it i will put my recipe up. it's something i used to make when i was about 14 or maybe a bit younger, but i lost the recipe and this is the first time i have found anything like it. This recipe comes from Robyn's Mum.
sour cream slice
1 pkt plain cake mix
add 125g melted butter and
1 cup coconut
spread mix in slice pan, press down and bake in 180C for approx 20min.
spread with 1 sml tin of pie apple (or stew ur own)
top with a mix of 300ml sour cream and 1 egg (beaten together)
sprinkle with cinnamon and bake for another 15-20 min, until sour cream sets.
seriously good stuff... when i make it i will put my recipe up. it's something i used to make when i was about 14 or maybe a bit younger, but i lost the recipe and this is the first time i have found anything like it. This recipe comes from Robyn's Mum.
20090511
my weekend construction
no baking over the weekend, didn't have time. i spent 5 hours of sunday evening building a deluxe wide screen cat tv... this is also known as a rabbit hutch... one end is a double story hutch (1.26x0.9m), and as well as that we have added a run (1.83x0.6m). the damn thing is huge and prolly cost about $500 all told. i would recommend to anyone else, buy the extension that is available, don't try to make it ur self. it's cheaper and easier. but when we release the hounds - i mean put the bunnies in - this evening i'm sure they will love it. they better... pictures to come, it was 9pm when we finally finished so i didn't get a lot.
20090503
what's in a name
Hunter:
4. an animal, as a dog, trained to hunt game.
7. hunter green. a dark green color of yellowish cast.
Quarry:
Synonyms: aim, chase, game, objective, prey, prize, quest, ravin, victim
Brunswick:
Brunswick green. [G. Braunschweiger grun, first made at Brunswick, in Germany.] An oxychloride of copper, used as a green pigment; also, a carbonate of copper similarly employed.
the cat - hunter, the rabbits quarry and brusnwick. i like to theme my pet names.
previous themes in my life... cat Kes (star trek voyager) cat willow (buffy) dog yoda (Star wars) dog jaja (also star wars) sci fi much??
i had a series of fish named finger, cake, filet, sushi, sashimi, and a few called chips.
i have a few photo's of the runny babbits - they are sooooo cute, but i am tired and lazy. soon. Quarry likes to hide his face in ur jumper, or betwenn ur knees, and when we let him hop around the house he was a bugger to catch. eventually cornered him in the bathroom. Brunswick is identical to quarry, but about a millimetre bigger all over, and a lot bolder. will sit on ur lap quite happily, will even sit upside down on ur lap. when it was time to be picked up again he just sat and was picked up. decided to do a big leap on to the couch poof, then wasn't brave enough to get down. i love my little bunnies. we adopted them from the rspca. better to have preloved bunnies than have to work out how to raise a baby one. and they keep each other company.i'll have photo's really soon.
update - this photo is of Brunswick and Quarry. they are identical. seriously...
lemon tea cakes
yummy goodness and a cooking lesson for boys all rolled into one.
today was a good day. nor scratch that today was great. last night i have a small group of people over for a few drinks and polite conversation, a few of them chose to sleep on my lounge room floor. more than happy to supply pillows, blankets, and looks of confusion as to why they would ignore the super deluxe double air bed already pumped up in the other room... seriously?
anyhoo, this morning rolled around, i cooked franch toast for 5 very appreciative bellies, i played with my new pet rabbits - post to follow - ray ray connected my new dvd/vid player (thanx k-rudd). ray ray played with my nintendo 64 (yes, from the mid 90's). there was discussions about xbox 360's. i now own one... thanx ray ray. i mentioned that i was going to make cupcakes and ray ray was in awe - he's never made cupcakes from scratch. i think it freaked him out even a little bit more that we did the whole thing without looking in a book, and the end result is yumtastic. so ray ray and i made cupcakes (recipe below) and we played games on the tv, and me and ray ray and rose played with our two new pet bunnies. then rose and i made lasagne for dinner - i made a rocking white/cheese sauce. i was impressed with my mad cooking skills, coz i have no mad gaming skills... amped - snow board.. my average score was about 4000, the lowest "wow you made it" score is 50,000... get the idea. mad gaming skills - i don't haz them. teaching 18 yr old boys the simple joy of a good batch of cupcakes mad skills? i haz them!
Tea cakes with lemon icing
125g butter
2 cup sugar
3 eggs
3 cups SRF
1t baking powder
1t vanilla
1 1/2 cups cold strong tea (three tea bags)
1 1/2 cups sultanas
Lemon frosting
2 cups icing sugar
1/2 lemon - juiced
some butter (that's the technical measurment of course...)
OK. beat butter till fluffy-ish. add sugar, beat. add eggs one at a time, beat. add baking poweder and vanilla, add flour, tea, flour, tea, flour. add sultanas, 3/4 fill muffin sized patty cases. 15 mins @180C, rotate every which way. about another 15 mins - test with a toothpick. for icing - beat it all together. make it lemonny to taste.
my white suace...
melt the leftover butter from cupcakes and icing - about 75 - 100g at this point. whisk in flour till it becomes a paste - about 1/2 a cup i guess, i didn't measure. add milk, peppercorns, mixed herbs. keeps whisking till ur arm drops off, then chage arms. when that one drops off rope in ur partner for a bit. keep adding milk add cheese, add more milk. eventually you will have enough, the heat will thicken it and bake out the flour taste. it was simple and tasted great.
today was a good day. nor scratch that today was great. last night i have a small group of people over for a few drinks and polite conversation, a few of them chose to sleep on my lounge room floor. more than happy to supply pillows, blankets, and looks of confusion as to why they would ignore the super deluxe double air bed already pumped up in the other room... seriously?
anyhoo, this morning rolled around, i cooked franch toast for 5 very appreciative bellies, i played with my new pet rabbits - post to follow - ray ray connected my new dvd/vid player (thanx k-rudd). ray ray played with my nintendo 64 (yes, from the mid 90's). there was discussions about xbox 360's. i now own one... thanx ray ray. i mentioned that i was going to make cupcakes and ray ray was in awe - he's never made cupcakes from scratch. i think it freaked him out even a little bit more that we did the whole thing without looking in a book, and the end result is yumtastic. so ray ray and i made cupcakes (recipe below) and we played games on the tv, and me and ray ray and rose played with our two new pet bunnies. then rose and i made lasagne for dinner - i made a rocking white/cheese sauce. i was impressed with my mad cooking skills, coz i have no mad gaming skills... amped - snow board.. my average score was about 4000, the lowest "wow you made it" score is 50,000... get the idea. mad gaming skills - i don't haz them. teaching 18 yr old boys the simple joy of a good batch of cupcakes mad skills? i haz them!
Tea cakes with lemon icing
125g butter
2 cup sugar
3 eggs
3 cups SRF
1t baking powder
1t vanilla
1 1/2 cups cold strong tea (three tea bags)
1 1/2 cups sultanas
Lemon frosting
2 cups icing sugar
1/2 lemon - juiced
some butter (that's the technical measurment of course...)
OK. beat butter till fluffy-ish. add sugar, beat. add eggs one at a time, beat. add baking poweder and vanilla, add flour, tea, flour, tea, flour. add sultanas, 3/4 fill muffin sized patty cases. 15 mins @180C, rotate every which way. about another 15 mins - test with a toothpick. for icing - beat it all together. make it lemonny to taste.
my white suace...
melt the leftover butter from cupcakes and icing - about 75 - 100g at this point. whisk in flour till it becomes a paste - about 1/2 a cup i guess, i didn't measure. add milk, peppercorns, mixed herbs. keeps whisking till ur arm drops off, then chage arms. when that one drops off rope in ur partner for a bit. keep adding milk add cheese, add more milk. eventually you will have enough, the heat will thicken it and bake out the flour taste. it was simple and tasted great.
20090430
in-laws should be out-lawed.
or maybe just the male ones... they leave on friday morning. it's a shame mummy has to go too, it'd be nice to have just her here for a holiday... i'd love to write more but it's well after midnight on a school night so i am off to bed. i'll write more when they are gone and i have my house back!
20090424
if you don't care it doesn't really hurt.
or what you don't know can't harm you.
today was my last day at work. i did next to nothig all day, other than remove any trace of my existence from my computer, and tidy up a few very small loose ends. i got a few emails from friends asking where i was being taken out to lunch. every one hurt a little more. "the company" did nothing to say good bye. i got a card (not signed by the CEO or ED) and some flowers, and a small morning tea spread. the flowers and morning tea were organised by two of the ladies i share office space with, and i believe paid for from there own wallets too. two women who get paid less than i did, which was below average anyway. there was choclate cake, chips, bickies dip and cheese. home made dip. it was good - apparently it's all about adding the french onion soup mix slowly till you get the perfect balance. it wasn't much, but it told me where the love is. I also got a lovely apron from Miss P which i will wear often and with pride (thank you Miss P - and yes that is what i have regularly called her, it's not just an attmept at anonimity). i gave a few small presents, coz that's what i do, and made one lady cry. well, i didn't call her names and throw sticks, but she did cry. ooooo and i met Will. he's a cutey. he's really tall, prolly close to 3 feet already... he's not even 18 months.
i've been telling myself i dont' care, and in some ways i don't. i know who liked me and who didn't, and i know who will miss me and who i will miss. in so many ways i feel like it was a war of attrition against me, and they won. but they didn't. i had chosen to leave a long time ago, and the timing was just coincidental. maybe. i chose to leave, then saw the signs of war, not the other way round. i've been trying not to let myself "know", that way there would be no harm done. but today hurt.
that is all.
today was my last day at work. i did next to nothig all day, other than remove any trace of my existence from my computer, and tidy up a few very small loose ends. i got a few emails from friends asking where i was being taken out to lunch. every one hurt a little more. "the company" did nothing to say good bye. i got a card (not signed by the CEO or ED) and some flowers, and a small morning tea spread. the flowers and morning tea were organised by two of the ladies i share office space with, and i believe paid for from there own wallets too. two women who get paid less than i did, which was below average anyway. there was choclate cake, chips, bickies dip and cheese. home made dip. it was good - apparently it's all about adding the french onion soup mix slowly till you get the perfect balance. it wasn't much, but it told me where the love is. I also got a lovely apron from Miss P which i will wear often and with pride (thank you Miss P - and yes that is what i have regularly called her, it's not just an attmept at anonimity). i gave a few small presents, coz that's what i do, and made one lady cry. well, i didn't call her names and throw sticks, but she did cry. ooooo and i met Will. he's a cutey. he's really tall, prolly close to 3 feet already... he's not even 18 months.
i've been telling myself i dont' care, and in some ways i don't. i know who liked me and who didn't, and i know who will miss me and who i will miss. in so many ways i feel like it was a war of attrition against me, and they won. but they didn't. i had chosen to leave a long time ago, and the timing was just coincidental. maybe. i chose to leave, then saw the signs of war, not the other way round. i've been trying not to let myself "know", that way there would be no harm done. but today hurt.
that is all.
banana man...
do you remember banana man. (or boy) ate a banana became a superhero.
my cat has banana flavoured prozac on his dinner - he's not a super hero. we're trying something new. the cat has been on prozac for about 3 yrs (he's almost 4) and has never really enjoyed it but still eaten his dinner coz it's all he gets. last month i took the script to a new pharmacy. the cat HATED the drugs. every night we had to stand and keep him company whilst convincing him that if he ate just a little bit more we would give him some unadulterated crunchies. he has lost weight. he's a large cat - but he's skinny as a rake currently.
so i called the pharmacist and had an indepth discussion about the nature of mixing drugs for cats and the relative strength yada yada yada. eventually they said they could mix it as a syrup rather than a formula - apparently just a different ingredient, but it is sweeter. it smells like benadryl. they also asked if we wanted a flavour in it. i asked for banana. the cat had some antibiotics recently that were banana flavoured and he loved them. so far - on day two of the meds he seems to like the banana prozac better than he liked the chicken prozac - who'd a thunk it, a cat that like banana....
that is all
my cat has banana flavoured prozac on his dinner - he's not a super hero. we're trying something new. the cat has been on prozac for about 3 yrs (he's almost 4) and has never really enjoyed it but still eaten his dinner coz it's all he gets. last month i took the script to a new pharmacy. the cat HATED the drugs. every night we had to stand and keep him company whilst convincing him that if he ate just a little bit more we would give him some unadulterated crunchies. he has lost weight. he's a large cat - but he's skinny as a rake currently.
so i called the pharmacist and had an indepth discussion about the nature of mixing drugs for cats and the relative strength yada yada yada. eventually they said they could mix it as a syrup rather than a formula - apparently just a different ingredient, but it is sweeter. it smells like benadryl. they also asked if we wanted a flavour in it. i asked for banana. the cat had some antibiotics recently that were banana flavoured and he loved them. so far - on day two of the meds he seems to like the banana prozac better than he liked the chicken prozac - who'd a thunk it, a cat that like banana....
that is all
20090423
i'm a fairy....
ok - that line is from a show i'm in, it's really cute, and said by a young boy... the piece was written many many many many many yrs ago. b4 it was "politically incorrect" to call someone a fairy. or a queen. b4 it was illegal to officially change ur name to a title - as i was informed by my friend King.
As it is my second last day at work i am sitting at the marketing computer - editing photo's for the website - who's gonna do that when i'm gone hey??? - and having a discussion with my most wonderful workmate about fairies and elves in fiction. i've had this thought bashing around in my head for a few days now. i'm reading Inkspell - part two of the Inkheart trilogy - and the characters are all in the book (which makes sense if you've read it - if you haven't, my grammar is correct) and there are fairy's and elves, and glass men and night-mares and river pixies and all sorts of things like that - things that come from medieval times...
hang on - who says they come from medieval times? fiction does... why is it always the case that if there are fairies in the book, the countryside/architecture/culture/technological advancement/family structure/likelihood that the good guys will win out whilst being poor and marginalised, is very medieval, or what history tells of us those times.
why haven't i ever read a story book that was set in the modern day, and had a fairy that helps with fire, or a glass man that stops you from smudging your ink??? is it because it's cruel to call people a fairy, or is it because we are all so "enlightened" now that we know fairy's don't really exist? i don't care if they exist or not - i am reading fiction... or the movie last year - the golden compass. that was largley fantasy and they lived in a castle, had a poorer class of street urchins running around - what i associate with "not quite modern history", there was technology of a type in there, but the architecture and cultural structure were still quite medieval.
do i have an answer to my rambling almost question...
no.
do you?
that is all.
As it is my second last day at work i am sitting at the marketing computer - editing photo's for the website - who's gonna do that when i'm gone hey??? - and having a discussion with my most wonderful workmate about fairies and elves in fiction. i've had this thought bashing around in my head for a few days now. i'm reading Inkspell - part two of the Inkheart trilogy - and the characters are all in the book (which makes sense if you've read it - if you haven't, my grammar is correct) and there are fairy's and elves, and glass men and night-mares and river pixies and all sorts of things like that - things that come from medieval times...
hang on - who says they come from medieval times? fiction does... why is it always the case that if there are fairies in the book, the countryside/architecture/culture/technological advancement/family structure/likelihood that the good guys will win out whilst being poor and marginalised, is very medieval, or what history tells of us those times.
why haven't i ever read a story book that was set in the modern day, and had a fairy that helps with fire, or a glass man that stops you from smudging your ink??? is it because it's cruel to call people a fairy, or is it because we are all so "enlightened" now that we know fairy's don't really exist? i don't care if they exist or not - i am reading fiction... or the movie last year - the golden compass. that was largley fantasy and they lived in a castle, had a poorer class of street urchins running around - what i associate with "not quite modern history", there was technology of a type in there, but the architecture and cultural structure were still quite medieval.
do i have an answer to my rambling almost question...
no.
do you?
that is all.
20090419
Pina Colada Cupcakes
that can't be how you spell it, but i can't think how else it might go. I made these yesterday, and they remind me if an upside down cake my nan used to make
125g butter
1 cup castor sugar
1 egg
1/4 cup oil
3 cups SR flour
270ml tin coconut milk
3/4 cup milk (you can use all coconut milk for a stronger flavour)
1t vanilla
1/2 cup desecrated coconut
1 cup tined pinapple, well drained.
beat the butter and sugar. add the egg and oil. alternate the flour and milks, mixing. add designated coconut and pinapple.
makes about 48 small or 24 large, or 24 small and 12 large... stragne ut true that. 180C oven, 15mins then rotate, another 10-15, till toothpick comes out clean. cool for 5 then on to a wire rack
Icing
Icicng sugar
butter
pinapple jiuce (from tin)
coconut.
start with as much icing sugar as you want. i used about a cup and a bit, and iced all my 36 cakes with plenty to spare. add a bit of butter, a bit of pinapple jiuce, beat till light and fluffy. remember - it's easier to add more liquid than try to take it out...add the desicated coconut at the end, then sread on to completely cooled cakes
No pics, coz the camera lans is not here, and i don't feel like using my 80 zoom to photograph cupcakes, which don't look exciting, but taste like childhood memories.
that is all.
125g butter
1 cup castor sugar
1 egg
1/4 cup oil
3 cups SR flour
270ml tin coconut milk
3/4 cup milk (you can use all coconut milk for a stronger flavour)
1t vanilla
1/2 cup desecrated coconut
1 cup tined pinapple, well drained.
beat the butter and sugar. add the egg and oil. alternate the flour and milks, mixing. add designated coconut and pinapple.
makes about 48 small or 24 large, or 24 small and 12 large... stragne ut true that. 180C oven, 15mins then rotate, another 10-15, till toothpick comes out clean. cool for 5 then on to a wire rack
Icing
Icicng sugar
butter
pinapple jiuce (from tin)
coconut.
start with as much icing sugar as you want. i used about a cup and a bit, and iced all my 36 cakes with plenty to spare. add a bit of butter, a bit of pinapple jiuce, beat till light and fluffy. remember - it's easier to add more liquid than try to take it out...add the desicated coconut at the end, then sread on to completely cooled cakes
No pics, coz the camera lans is not here, and i don't feel like using my 80 zoom to photograph cupcakes, which don't look exciting, but taste like childhood memories.
that is all.
20090414
epic fail...
my first attempt at suger free cupcakes... epic fail. brain - please sign in B4 i need you next time... standard choc cupcake - 1/2 cup cocoa and about 3 cups suger (or near enough) sugar free - needs less cocoa, that stuff is bitter as, it's like the girl who came second for prom queen.
even the cat didn't like these ones.. so i will try again next week or so...
that is all
even the cat didn't like these ones.. so i will try again next week or so...
that is all
20090412
cranberry white chocloate cupcakes
didn't turn out the way i wanted, cozi couldn't get the ingredients i was after. there were no fresh or frozen cranberries at my local, and i forgot to looked for tinned ones, but i think i will be able to get some tinned as cranberry sauce, so that will be my next attempt. This lot just had cranberry juice instead of milk in a standard (womens weekly) patty cake recipe... the white chocolate was milky bar frozen and snapped up, then mixed in. some big chunks, some crumbs. they tast fine,. but not really like cranberry. i made icing using icing sugar, a packet of white drinking chocolate (with milk poweder in it) and cranberry juice. it tastes good. over all the cupcakes are good, the choclate gives chocolatey goodness in chunks, but they are not what i was after. next time i will buy a tin of cranberry sauce and see how that goes
i am going to mow the lawn soon, then go to lunch in cabra, then do some ironng. i have every intention of making sugar free chocolate cupcakes this evening, but they may get bumped to tomorrow.
that is all.
i am going to mow the lawn soon, then go to lunch in cabra, then do some ironng. i have every intention of making sugar free chocolate cupcakes this evening, but they may get bumped to tomorrow.
that is all.
20090408
hypothetically terrified (HT)
on the way to rehearsal tonight (where i was forced to repeat the phrase, i can't i have rehearsal on about 3 occaisions) i had a hypotheticaly terrified attack. i'm new to this choir, the music is new to me, what if i suck, what if i'm not good enouigh OMFG WTF. now being past tense of that rehearsal it was great and i have no need to worry, mostly...
i had a phone call earlier today regarding my car, it has to be parked in certain locations or it gets taken away. i have a new job (in case you've been living under a rock and missed it) and with that comes a new parking opportunity. seems the managment have to discuss this... what if i lose the car, what will i do, how will i get to work, how will i get to three choirs, OMFG WTF. this one i will continue to worry about until i get resolution
Had AWC for dinner the other night (AWC - abandoned wives club), what if the food is not as good as i want, what if there is uncomfortable silence, what if i run out of grog (ok, that is never going to happen with 6 people at one dinner party, but you never know) OMFG WTF. past tense of the dinner - everyone had seconds, and we didn't stop laughing all night, and i still have a house full of grog...
hypothetical terror - the thoughts of what will i do if this happens - sometimes cripples me. i have been in the same job for 5 yrs, and not enjoying it for at least the last 12 months. and i think there are two main factors that kept me there... one is laziness, i didn't have a resume on hand, and was too lazy - and again HT - to do it, and the hypothetical terror of leaving. will i find a job, will i like it, what if i can't do it.. better the devil you know. i may not like it but i know i can do it... Well now i am stepping out of that comfort zone - i got past my HT of creating a resume, and only came out successful coz i had a friend on the inside poking Human Remains in my favour. now i have the job and i am again HT. what if i suck at it, what if i hate it, what if i lose the car, what if what if what if... OMFG WTF
i am seriously bad for myself...
That is all.
i had a phone call earlier today regarding my car, it has to be parked in certain locations or it gets taken away. i have a new job (in case you've been living under a rock and missed it) and with that comes a new parking opportunity. seems the managment have to discuss this... what if i lose the car, what will i do, how will i get to work, how will i get to three choirs, OMFG WTF. this one i will continue to worry about until i get resolution
Had AWC for dinner the other night (AWC - abandoned wives club), what if the food is not as good as i want, what if there is uncomfortable silence, what if i run out of grog (ok, that is never going to happen with 6 people at one dinner party, but you never know) OMFG WTF. past tense of the dinner - everyone had seconds, and we didn't stop laughing all night, and i still have a house full of grog...
hypothetical terror - the thoughts of what will i do if this happens - sometimes cripples me. i have been in the same job for 5 yrs, and not enjoying it for at least the last 12 months. and i think there are two main factors that kept me there... one is laziness, i didn't have a resume on hand, and was too lazy - and again HT - to do it, and the hypothetical terror of leaving. will i find a job, will i like it, what if i can't do it.. better the devil you know. i may not like it but i know i can do it... Well now i am stepping out of that comfort zone - i got past my HT of creating a resume, and only came out successful coz i had a friend on the inside poking Human Remains in my favour. now i have the job and i am again HT. what if i suck at it, what if i hate it, what if i lose the car, what if what if what if... OMFG WTF
i am seriously bad for myself...
That is all.
20090405
ur my favourite martian girl...
of all the crappy songs i have to have stuck in my head, it's an elvis rip-off about a martian... crap. i've been at a rehearsal camp all weekend. there is a facebook group called " i can't, i have a rhearsal". that is me all over. i am thinking about joining a fourth performance group later in the year....
I am sooooo tired, so i am off to bed
that is all
what a boring post...
I am sooooo tired, so i am off to bed
that is all
what a boring post...
20090402
what the???
i had the wierdest dream the other night. i don't remember a lot of it, just that my vet had the hots for me, and i was fairly oblivious to her existence. one day i went to the vet (no idea why - i had no animal with me) and whilst i was waiting and leaning against the wall she came over, put her hand next to my head on the wall and gave me a quick peck on the lips. i then told her i was flattered but had to say no as i am in a relationship. WEIRD...
and because it's dream land i am talking about here , this "vet" is not my vet, nore is she any woman from any other part of my life masquerading as my vet. she was just a random unknown woman. so at least i know it's not my subconcious giving me access to anyone in my life. but at the same time, my subcincious still said no.
that is all.
and because it's dream land i am talking about here , this "vet" is not my vet, nore is she any woman from any other part of my life masquerading as my vet. she was just a random unknown woman. so at least i know it's not my subconcious giving me access to anyone in my life. but at the same time, my subcincious still said no.
that is all.
so i have a new job
finally got the word from the Uni - i have a new job. start in about three weeks, justy admin work, but closer to home, and a much happier environment. and i have friends who work there, and i am really looking forward to joining the club mac crew.
that is all.
that is all.
20090328
hot cross cupcakes
today's cupcake is easter themed. my girl works at/for the easter show, so while all of you are probably saying easter is ages away, i am getting an almost daily count down. easter is alive and well in our house.
I will write down exactly what i put into these cupcakes, though i would change one or two things. - i'll put the changes in too.
HOT CROSS CUPCAKES
makes 24 small (normal aussie cup cake size) 180C
i used a 15 ml tablespoon in all my measuring today.
1 1/2 cup plain flour
1 1/2 cup self raising flour (i would use all SRF next time)
1T cinnamon
1/4t ground cloves
1/4t ground ginger (use mixed spice - 1.5T - i just had none)
3/4 cup brown sugar (1/2 a cup would work too for a little less sweetness)
125g soft unsalted butter
2 cups milk
1t vanilla
3 eggs
2 cups mixed dried fruit.
beat butter and brown sugar. beat in eggs, vanilla. sift and beat in about a third of the flour and spice, then half the milk, then repeat adding the dry last. mix in the fruit. 3/4 fill ur patty cases. into the oven for 15mins then rotate every which way and cook for another 15 or so. when ur tooth pick comes out clean they are cooked. i gave half of them a light honey glaze - warm up some honey in the microwave or over hot water so it's a bit runny and spread it on - i used a spatula. it's all about personal preference.
THE CROSS ON TOP
1 cup icing sugar
1T milk
2T soft unsalted butter
1t vanilla
beat it all together, put into a ziplock bag and snip off a corner. pipe on x's. this will make more icing than you need, so enjoy the rest, or feed it to your cat - mine really liked it.
it's a pretty dense little cupcake right now - which is why i would use all SRF next time, to lighten it up a bit, and also to make it rise...
i would have a photo but the wife has taken the camera to work, and they will be all gone by the time she gets home - i won't eat them ALL, i am going to a rehearsal and will take them with me!
UPDATE - made these again with all srf. works a treat. also the camera (and the wife) was at home so i got some pics!
20090327
if the staff can't get it right...
how do they expect students too?
i had an interview yesterday. got told i would get a call today, but sounded really positive. late this avo i get a call saying, well we are considering you for this position (there were two possibilities) but we have to speak to the dean, and he's been busy. we'll call you soon, hopefully monday...
I WANNA KNOW NOW!!!!!
that is all.
i had an interview yesterday. got told i would get a call today, but sounded really positive. late this avo i get a call saying, well we are considering you for this position (there were two possibilities) but we have to speak to the dean, and he's been busy. we'll call you soon, hopefully monday...
I WANNA KNOW NOW!!!!!
that is all.
20090324
oh the indignity...
i arrived at work today to discover that my computer, and only my computer, has had the internet forcefully removed from it's useful functions. so no more net for me at work. not even at lunch time. i have no right to complain, as i probably abused the access more than any one else in the company, but i was also achieving all of my work in a timely and accurate manner. it just gives me the shits really. and reduces my desire to continue working for this company, which is saying a lot as i had already applied for another job (and have an interview on thursday)b4 dicovering that i am to be punished like a child. as a result of the feeling this has generated in me i am going to eat chocolate for dinner, and chocolate mug cake for dessert, because i can, and because i know it will make me feel like shit at the end of it and i don't care.
but here's the recipe for mug cake - i got this in an email last week and am going to try it for the first time tonight.
5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE
4 Tablespoons (T) flour
4T sugar
2T cocoa
1 egg
3T milk
3T oil
3T chocolate chips (optional)
a small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug
Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well. Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts (high). The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed! Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).
UPDATE - use a 15ml tablespoon. definitely serves two. would be great with ice cream.
ANOTHER UPDATE - at work we all have mirrors on our desks. i work in what could be called part of the fashion industry, so it's not uncommon for any of us to try on product, and you need a mirror top see what it looks like. i had mine angled so i could see behind me also. it was a broken mirror, so is useless as stock (nice mixed tenses there) but i rocked up to work the other day to discover that it had been removed from my desk and put elsewhere. speechless...
but here's the recipe for mug cake - i got this in an email last week and am going to try it for the first time tonight.
5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE
4 Tablespoons (T) flour
4T sugar
2T cocoa
1 egg
3T milk
3T oil
3T chocolate chips (optional)
a small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug
Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well. Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts (high). The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed! Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).
UPDATE - use a 15ml tablespoon. definitely serves two. would be great with ice cream.
ANOTHER UPDATE - at work we all have mirrors on our desks. i work in what could be called part of the fashion industry, so it's not uncommon for any of us to try on product, and you need a mirror top see what it looks like. i had mine angled so i could see behind me also. it was a broken mirror, so is useless as stock (nice mixed tenses there) but i rocked up to work the other day to discover that it had been removed from my desk and put elsewhere. speechless...
20090323
why "for no-one"?
and why no capital letters...
"For No-One" is a song by the beatles, whom i love, even though the band ceased to exist b4 my parents had even met. And it seems to fit my thoughts about writing a blog.
i have no great purpose to writing a blog, no specific audience in mind, i just like the thought that i will have somewhere to put thoughts and experiences, and food catastrophies, or feline butt awards as they are sometimes known...
the lack of appropiately applied capital letters in my writing is indicative of a desire to avoid work... or in english - i have to use capitals constantly at work so i don't use them most of the time outside work. even my hand writing, which is near impossible to read, has little to no capital letters. i very specifically don't use a capital i for myself, not from any great lack of self confidence or self love, but because i want to be an individual, just like everyone else.
cupcakes...
Have you ever tried to come up with a new and unique cup cake recipe? i have. i mean, the basics are there, you need flour sugar egg etc. But i wanted rock melon (cantaloupe) and cinnamon cupcakes.
my first advice to anyone else - don't do it.
the flavour of rock melon is too fragile to be put against anything else and stand a chance to shine. I made some awesome cup cakes, but if it had been for iron chef i would have been voted poorly for not highlighting the theme ingredient...
here is what i ended up deciding was the better attempt...
Rockmellon and cinnamon cupcakes
makes about 24 large.
4 cups-ish of rock melon - finely chopped
2 cups of sugar
put these in a bowl in the fridge overnight.
2/3 cups vegetable oil - add to the rock melon
4 egg whites - beat to soft peaks and add to the mix.
3 cups plain flour
1.5 teaspoon (t) bi-carb soda
1t salt
1t cinnamon
sift these into the wet stuff.
half to 3/4 fill the patty pans (i used muffin size). put into a 180C oven. after 15 mins rotate them in the oven and cook for about 15 mins more. check by sticking a tooth pick in. if it comes out clean they are done!
Now these are tasty cupcakes, but they are not the flavour i was after.. when i made some the following week i went to a lot of effort to enhance the flavour, to little effect, so i woun't bore you with the details.
as for icing, i used pureed rock melon and icing sugar and cinnamon. it smelled like rock melon, but tasted like icing...
my first advice to anyone else - don't do it.
the flavour of rock melon is too fragile to be put against anything else and stand a chance to shine. I made some awesome cup cakes, but if it had been for iron chef i would have been voted poorly for not highlighting the theme ingredient...
here is what i ended up deciding was the better attempt...
Rockmellon and cinnamon cupcakes
makes about 24 large.
4 cups-ish of rock melon - finely chopped
2 cups of sugar
put these in a bowl in the fridge overnight.
2/3 cups vegetable oil - add to the rock melon
4 egg whites - beat to soft peaks and add to the mix.
3 cups plain flour
1.5 teaspoon (t) bi-carb soda
1t salt
1t cinnamon
sift these into the wet stuff.
half to 3/4 fill the patty pans (i used muffin size). put into a 180C oven. after 15 mins rotate them in the oven and cook for about 15 mins more. check by sticking a tooth pick in. if it comes out clean they are done!
Now these are tasty cupcakes, but they are not the flavour i was after.. when i made some the following week i went to a lot of effort to enhance the flavour, to little effect, so i woun't bore you with the details.
as for icing, i used pureed rock melon and icing sugar and cinnamon. it smelled like rock melon, but tasted like icing...
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