solicitous love
different to romantic love?
no desire to have anything returned
just wanting to care
and give
and fill a space
to make sure that you want for nothing
that is in my power
to ease the worries, the hurts
to wipe away the tears
and bring back the smile
or hold you while you cry it all out.
can you base a relationship on that?
20091130
20091126
emotions are people too...
i can't hold on
or maybe better still
i don't want to
please
let me go
let me be at peace
without you
twisting my guts
making me crave
the opportunity to cry
shutting me down
i felt fine
until you came along
and then it was over
that happy bubble
shattered by your peircing insecurities
so please
leave me alone
i don't want you
i don't need you
i can't hold on
please
let me go.
or maybe better still
i don't want to
please
let me go
let me be at peace
without you
twisting my guts
making me crave
the opportunity to cry
shutting me down
i felt fine
until you came along
and then it was over
that happy bubble
shattered by your peircing insecurities
so please
leave me alone
i don't want you
i don't need you
i can't hold on
please
let me go.
20091125
i thought...
and maybe that's my problem. i thought. what i thought, was, if not exactly a plan, then an intention. didn't happen. or more accuratley isn't going to happen. and i just wanna crawl in a ball and cry. which is pathetic really. childish. makes me really unhappy with myself. i can't even write anything decent..
that is all.
that is all.
20091124
someone elses words
VENICE BEACH
Words & Music by Jen Foster
http://www.jenfoster.com/
Hey, you say you’re looking for something you’ve never found
Well, the last time I checked I was lost and wanderin’ around
‘Cause I know just how it feels to be the best thing you ever had
But still not quite good enough to be the last one
And there you go again spinning all your wheels
You never know what you’ve got until you lose it
And here I am still waiting after all these years
You can look all over this great big world
You can look down every street
In every bookstore, on every dance floor
At every girl you meet
You can drive out to California
And chase down all of your dreams
I’m sure you’ll find someone beautiful
But you’ll never, you’ll never find me
Hey, they say that real love is completely letting go
Well, my hands are way up in the air and you’re somewhere in Arizona
Just a few more hundred miles and you’ll have everything you need
Except these arms to hold you when that lie brings you to your knees
And there you go again spinning all your wheels
You never know what you’ve got until you lose it
And here I am still waiting after all these years
You can look all over this great big world
You can look down every street
In every bookstore, in every dive bar
At every girl you meet
And when you look out over the ocean
From the shores of Venice Beach
I know you’ll find the brightest stars
But you’ll never, you’ll never find me
Oh, you’ll never find me...
You can look all over this great big world
You can look down every street
In every bookstore, in every dive bar
At every girl you meet
And when you look out over the ocean
From the shores of Venice Beach
I know you’ll find the brightest stars
But you’ll never, you’ll never find me
Oh, you'll never find me
(i want this to be me. i want to be unfindable in a way. i want to have been the best you ever had, but you didn't realise it and now you can't have me. that's who i wish i was right now)
Words & Music by Jen Foster
http://www.jenfoster.com/
Hey, you say you’re looking for something you’ve never found
Well, the last time I checked I was lost and wanderin’ around
‘Cause I know just how it feels to be the best thing you ever had
But still not quite good enough to be the last one
And there you go again spinning all your wheels
You never know what you’ve got until you lose it
And here I am still waiting after all these years
You can look all over this great big world
You can look down every street
In every bookstore, on every dance floor
At every girl you meet
You can drive out to California
And chase down all of your dreams
I’m sure you’ll find someone beautiful
But you’ll never, you’ll never find me
Hey, they say that real love is completely letting go
Well, my hands are way up in the air and you’re somewhere in Arizona
Just a few more hundred miles and you’ll have everything you need
Except these arms to hold you when that lie brings you to your knees
And there you go again spinning all your wheels
You never know what you’ve got until you lose it
And here I am still waiting after all these years
You can look all over this great big world
You can look down every street
In every bookstore, in every dive bar
At every girl you meet
And when you look out over the ocean
From the shores of Venice Beach
I know you’ll find the brightest stars
But you’ll never, you’ll never find me
Oh, you’ll never find me...
You can look all over this great big world
You can look down every street
In every bookstore, in every dive bar
At every girl you meet
And when you look out over the ocean
From the shores of Venice Beach
I know you’ll find the brightest stars
But you’ll never, you’ll never find me
Oh, you'll never find me
(i want this to be me. i want to be unfindable in a way. i want to have been the best you ever had, but you didn't realise it and now you can't have me. that's who i wish i was right now)
20091120
untitled is still a title
abandonment
violence
letting go
stepping back so i don't have to be pushed.
these are things i have to look into. i want to turn my brain off. i need something mindless and all consuming. i wish i could meditate, but i can't stop my mind. i need to play a sport. as an outlet. i have karate. maybe i'll go home and do a class on my own. that would probably be a good thing right now. something to concentrate on other than the issues above.
that is all
violence
letting go
stepping back so i don't have to be pushed.
these are things i have to look into. i want to turn my brain off. i need something mindless and all consuming. i wish i could meditate, but i can't stop my mind. i need to play a sport. as an outlet. i have karate. maybe i'll go home and do a class on my own. that would probably be a good thing right now. something to concentrate on other than the issues above.
that is all
what i see
decided to change this post. put it elsewhere, currently unfindable, might link it one day. And i have intelligence that suggests i may have been wrong. i really hope i am.
my family think i'm losing my mind
but maybe i keep it where they can't find it.
i carry it with me.
and i keep it on paper
everytime it gets too full
i empty it out
one
word
at
a
time
one thought to completion,
never fully completed
jumping
from one wave
to the next
without the slightest link
or at least no link
that you can see
or follow
stream of consciousness
like water flowing through rocks
each one changing the flow
disturbing the surface
leaves float by
get tossed and sunk
surface again when the water is smooth
or smoother.
who ever really has complete calm,
complete release from trials and errors
in my head
there is always some turmoil
some little piece of gravel
being turned over and over
i don't think my brain
could make a pearl
worrying that grain of sand
to a high shine
a beautiful gem
precious stone
worth something to others
but just a grain of sand to me.
by writing things down
i can't forget them
but i don't have to remember them
they are always there
always going to remind me
of what i have
and who i am
and where i've been
whilst sitting in my cahir
moving only enough muscles to write
and no more
complete concentraion
to the exclusion of everything else
but my mind
lost to you
but found to me
on paper
forever.
i carry it with me.
and i keep it on paper
everytime it gets too full
i empty it out
one
word
at
a
time
one thought to completion,
never fully completed
jumping
from one wave
to the next
without the slightest link
or at least no link
that you can see
or follow
stream of consciousness
like water flowing through rocks
each one changing the flow
disturbing the surface
leaves float by
get tossed and sunk
surface again when the water is smooth
or smoother.
who ever really has complete calm,
complete release from trials and errors
in my head
there is always some turmoil
some little piece of gravel
being turned over and over
i don't think my brain
could make a pearl
worrying that grain of sand
to a high shine
a beautiful gem
precious stone
worth something to others
but just a grain of sand to me.
by writing things down
i can't forget them
but i don't have to remember them
they are always there
always going to remind me
of what i have
and who i am
and where i've been
whilst sitting in my cahir
moving only enough muscles to write
and no more
complete concentraion
to the exclusion of everything else
but my mind
lost to you
but found to me
on paper
forever.
20091117
days like rollercoasters
the weekend was awesome, yesterday was a monday, but good for that. till quite late, then it all fell flat and now it's just ok again now it's tuesday. and i'm going to keep waiting. it's not going to be me today.
cryptic, but i don't feel like giving anymore away.
that is all
cryptic, but i don't feel like giving anymore away.
that is all
20091109
you are alive
"if you are reading this, congrtulations, you are alive. if that's not something to smile about then i don't know what is"
I said this to a friend this morning, in the context of it being a quote that really helped me get through my week. admittedly, it's been a hard week. her response was that it is a really depressing quote, she wants to be more than just alive. it made me realise that my view and hers of "alive" differ quite extremely. the feeling she gets when one uses alive as a response to "how are you" (just for example) is that they are just barey coping, all they are feeling is heart beats and not much more. now higher functioning, no happiness, just barely hanging on to life. whereas, i really agree very strongly with the quote above. if being alive is not something to smile about then i really don't know what is. life is such a prescious gift. i mean wow, you wake up in the morning, you stretch and yawn and wish you could sleep another hour, and drag yourself off to the shower and the coffee, and you are ALIVE! another day, a new experience. alive may seem like such a small thing at times, but without it you have nothing else. NOTHING ELSE. you feel pain, you have bad days, you have great days, you have friends and enemies, and people in ur life who make no impact, and people who have been in ur life for 7 weeks and have changed it forever. this is Alive, this is life. there is nothing more amazing or more wonderful, even in it's shittiest moments, the moments when you rail against fate, rail against ur own existense. because there are moments when you soar, when you are at the height of achievement, when you are surrounded by friends and laughter, and i wouldn't trade all that pain for death, for the decision to never feel that happiness again. i almost did once. i never will again.
that is all
I said this to a friend this morning, in the context of it being a quote that really helped me get through my week. admittedly, it's been a hard week. her response was that it is a really depressing quote, she wants to be more than just alive. it made me realise that my view and hers of "alive" differ quite extremely. the feeling she gets when one uses alive as a response to "how are you" (just for example) is that they are just barey coping, all they are feeling is heart beats and not much more. now higher functioning, no happiness, just barely hanging on to life. whereas, i really agree very strongly with the quote above. if being alive is not something to smile about then i really don't know what is. life is such a prescious gift. i mean wow, you wake up in the morning, you stretch and yawn and wish you could sleep another hour, and drag yourself off to the shower and the coffee, and you are ALIVE! another day, a new experience. alive may seem like such a small thing at times, but without it you have nothing else. NOTHING ELSE. you feel pain, you have bad days, you have great days, you have friends and enemies, and people in ur life who make no impact, and people who have been in ur life for 7 weeks and have changed it forever. this is Alive, this is life. there is nothing more amazing or more wonderful, even in it's shittiest moments, the moments when you rail against fate, rail against ur own existense. because there are moments when you soar, when you are at the height of achievement, when you are surrounded by friends and laughter, and i wouldn't trade all that pain for death, for the decision to never feel that happiness again. i almost did once. i never will again.
that is all
20091102
whats wrong
with me.
this time makes three.
i like you, but not enough. oh wait, maybe i do. no hang on, i don't, sorry bout that. 3 women in my life have done this to me. the first time we followed that up with 2 more years, the second time i apparently became such a completely unacceptable social leper that there is barely a friendship, and now this time. i don't want to lose, but i don't know how to play it so i don't.do i hold back so she misses me and there fore wants to come back? but what if she decides she can do without me? do i give her the closeness i know she wants? that she practically asked for? but if i give her that why would sh edecide to come back? she can get nealry everything she wants from me without having to committ... i'm just confused and sad. i don't know how to play to win.
this time makes three.
i like you, but not enough. oh wait, maybe i do. no hang on, i don't, sorry bout that. 3 women in my life have done this to me. the first time we followed that up with 2 more years, the second time i apparently became such a completely unacceptable social leper that there is barely a friendship, and now this time. i don't want to lose, but i don't know how to play it so i don't.do i hold back so she misses me and there fore wants to come back? but what if she decides she can do without me? do i give her the closeness i know she wants? that she practically asked for? but if i give her that why would sh edecide to come back? she can get nealry everything she wants from me without having to committ... i'm just confused and sad. i don't know how to play to win.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
