every day i cross this river twice. i cross this piece of my childhood, so integral in the life of sydney. the river that starts as a creek and becomes what i believe to be one of the most beautiful harbours in the world. I grew up by this river, in this river, on this river. playing in the mangroves and on the fairy's island down near the elephant cage at the end of my street. we'd leave in the morning and come home wet and dirty when our bellies said it was lunch time. as i got older there was sailing, rowing and canoeing on the river. surfing ferry waves in kayaks. floating in an upturned canoe, kissing in an upturned canoe because no-one else existed in the world at that time. sailing and constantly being terryfied of capsizing in the ferry channel. rowing to abbotsford alone in tom thumb, all the boys in arrowhead. beating the boys, proving that i was as good as them, and better. taking the row boats our for late night picnics. standing thigh deep in the most horrible sticky black mud at low tide, the only way to get out being to lie down. campfires on the beach. dead grass after a king tide. running and bombing off the end of the pier at tingira - completely against the rules, but so much fun. fetching soccer balls b4 they get too far.
i miss the times i've spent with this river. it is an old friend who will always be there for me. I would have as much trouble leaving it as i would leaving sydney.
everyday i cross this river twice, and my childhood lives on in my mind and i look forward to the next time i can get back in.
that is all.
20100218
20100214
girls night out
aka, a big weekend...
on thursday night. after i had taken my car on a date to the movies i dropped in at post choir drinks - which is always lovely. at least a dozen of us, sometimes closer to 20, invade a local cafe/bar and completely dominate the outdoor area! right there we planned for all 6 of the "cleavage club" (the younger group of women in the choir, most of us have ample cleavage...) to go see Valentines Day on friday. when planning this i had forgotten that i have guides on a friday now, but thankfully we went to a later session and so i only had to leave guides a little early.
anyhoo, got to the movie - no-one bought Libby a ticket, so we had to sneak her in.... there was a seat for her, and she did buy a ticket, just not the same movie... i won't review the movie except to say it is the same premise as Love Actually, but different enough to not beg too much comparison.
about halfway through the movie we could here water running. lots of it. when we had arrived it was hot and muggy and we knew a storm was coming. it was loud, but not so completely annoying that you couldn't still enjoy the movie. you could tell it was in the roof. after about 5 or 10 mins, the sound changed. all of a sudden the running water was inside... in three points the roof started leaking. it was running at about the pace you would turn on a tap to wash ur hands - really pouring in through the roof. we had a laugh, someone went to tell the people, but there was nothing they could do. when the movie finished we went to play in the huge puddles that had formed in the carpet.. we splashed and played like kids, and took photo's. Candy had her brollie so there are pics of us standing under the shower... it was so much fun, esp after a generally entertaining movie. if you go see it stay for the beginning of the credits - there are out takes - funny stuff.
saturday - slept a little late.. had rehearsal from 10-4, but it was so hot we ended up finishing early. lunch time conversation - a lot of laughs. and as so often happens we flick through a huge variety of topics, but come back and forth to sex about 15 times in an hour... then back home after that, with some of the girls, we had over an hour to get ready to go out for the night. they all had to straighten their hair... so girly for a bunch of lesbians...
dinner of pizza and wine, then on to karaoke. i haven't been a non designated driver for years... and the birthday girl wanted lots of songs sung for her b'day, so starting at dinner and going right through karaoke and on to Max Brenner for coffee after we sang the whole night. we had randoms stopping on the side of kings st in newtown to listen to us sing! none of it was classy, but it was all fun. it was a great saturday.
in a few hours i have to get ready to go out to a movie launch... About a yr ago the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Choir performed henry purcells "fairy queen". We were the first G&L choir to ever put on a full opera. it was documented and tonight that documentary is being launched. really looking forward to it - another night out with my choir friends, who i love so dearly.
that is all.
on thursday night. after i had taken my car on a date to the movies i dropped in at post choir drinks - which is always lovely. at least a dozen of us, sometimes closer to 20, invade a local cafe/bar and completely dominate the outdoor area! right there we planned for all 6 of the "cleavage club" (the younger group of women in the choir, most of us have ample cleavage...) to go see Valentines Day on friday. when planning this i had forgotten that i have guides on a friday now, but thankfully we went to a later session and so i only had to leave guides a little early.
anyhoo, got to the movie - no-one bought Libby a ticket, so we had to sneak her in.... there was a seat for her, and she did buy a ticket, just not the same movie... i won't review the movie except to say it is the same premise as Love Actually, but different enough to not beg too much comparison.
about halfway through the movie we could here water running. lots of it. when we had arrived it was hot and muggy and we knew a storm was coming. it was loud, but not so completely annoying that you couldn't still enjoy the movie. you could tell it was in the roof. after about 5 or 10 mins, the sound changed. all of a sudden the running water was inside... in three points the roof started leaking. it was running at about the pace you would turn on a tap to wash ur hands - really pouring in through the roof. we had a laugh, someone went to tell the people, but there was nothing they could do. when the movie finished we went to play in the huge puddles that had formed in the carpet.. we splashed and played like kids, and took photo's. Candy had her brollie so there are pics of us standing under the shower... it was so much fun, esp after a generally entertaining movie. if you go see it stay for the beginning of the credits - there are out takes - funny stuff.
saturday - slept a little late.. had rehearsal from 10-4, but it was so hot we ended up finishing early. lunch time conversation - a lot of laughs. and as so often happens we flick through a huge variety of topics, but come back and forth to sex about 15 times in an hour... then back home after that, with some of the girls, we had over an hour to get ready to go out for the night. they all had to straighten their hair... so girly for a bunch of lesbians...
dinner of pizza and wine, then on to karaoke. i haven't been a non designated driver for years... and the birthday girl wanted lots of songs sung for her b'day, so starting at dinner and going right through karaoke and on to Max Brenner for coffee after we sang the whole night. we had randoms stopping on the side of kings st in newtown to listen to us sing! none of it was classy, but it was all fun. it was a great saturday.
in a few hours i have to get ready to go out to a movie launch... About a yr ago the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Choir performed henry purcells "fairy queen". We were the first G&L choir to ever put on a full opera. it was documented and tonight that documentary is being launched. really looking forward to it - another night out with my choir friends, who i love so dearly.
that is all.
20100211
fault and human traits.
"When it comes to Terry's part of it, and Alima's, I'm sorry—and I'm ashamed. Of course I blame her somewhat. She wasn't as fine a psychologist as Ellador, and what's more, I think she had a far-descended atavistic trace of more marked femaleness, never apparent till Terry called it out. But when all is said, it doesn't excuse him. I hadn't realized to the full Terry's character—I couldn't, being a man." - Herland, Charlotte Perkins Stetson Gilman
I am reading Herland at the moment. It's a utopian society that for thousands of years has been entirley comprised of women. this section that i have copied here is basically about rape. it is never stated so harshly, and it was written in a time when marital rape didn't exist - or more accurately wasn't defined as a crime, or even an act. if you married a man you had given up ur right to say no... the implication given by the narrator is that Alima is as much to blame for the rape as Terry, because she is female, and also because she didn't or couldn't explain to terry well enough about the beliefs of her world that meant that sex wasn't for any purpose other than procreation, because that is the natural order of things in the animal kingdom. He is to be absolved of some of the blame because he is male and it is his nature and right as a MAN to "have" his wife.
i am simmering this right down to basic principals, read the book to get the whole story - it's not that long.
so it's her upbringing and culture and custom of her people for thousands of years to not have sex. it's his upbringing and culture and customs of his people for thousands of years that when you get married you own the woman and therefore she has no right, no thought, to say no to you in any matter.
therefore both are responsible for the act that took place, her for not submitting, him for not seeing her as different to the women of his world who had been rasied with the same ideals and beliefs as he had.
Me being me, a woman who was born in the late 20th Century, strong minded, strong willed, opinionated, i struggle with seeing how Alima can be at fault in this situation. Men don't rule the world, certainly not my world. it scares me that it was 1991 before the australian high court abolished a ruling that exempted any husband from being convicted of rape if his victim was his wife (though South Australia had partially abolished this as "early" 1975). i am not a complete innocent and totally blinkered in this world, but i struggle to see how a woman/victim can EVER be at fault for rape.
maybe this is another reason why we don't have as many children per family as we used to...
where do we draw the line though. where do we say, it's not ur fault, it's the way you were raised, it's not ur fault it's just part of ur nature and ur culture. if i was raised in a culture that existed entirley on communal food and then came to work in an office, would i be allowed to raid the fridge and eat whatever i wanted because it is how i was raised? if i was raised to believe that the elderly and terminally ill are a burden on society and therefore they must be left to nature to deal with (euthanasia through omission of care), would i be unaccountable under Australian law which still outlaws euthanasia? i think the answer most people would agree in both cases is i would still be at fault and accountable under whatever system of government there was.
just reconciling thought in my head..
that is all...
I am reading Herland at the moment. It's a utopian society that for thousands of years has been entirley comprised of women. this section that i have copied here is basically about rape. it is never stated so harshly, and it was written in a time when marital rape didn't exist - or more accurately wasn't defined as a crime, or even an act. if you married a man you had given up ur right to say no... the implication given by the narrator is that Alima is as much to blame for the rape as Terry, because she is female, and also because she didn't or couldn't explain to terry well enough about the beliefs of her world that meant that sex wasn't for any purpose other than procreation, because that is the natural order of things in the animal kingdom. He is to be absolved of some of the blame because he is male and it is his nature and right as a MAN to "have" his wife.
i am simmering this right down to basic principals, read the book to get the whole story - it's not that long.
so it's her upbringing and culture and custom of her people for thousands of years to not have sex. it's his upbringing and culture and customs of his people for thousands of years that when you get married you own the woman and therefore she has no right, no thought, to say no to you in any matter.
therefore both are responsible for the act that took place, her for not submitting, him for not seeing her as different to the women of his world who had been rasied with the same ideals and beliefs as he had.
Me being me, a woman who was born in the late 20th Century, strong minded, strong willed, opinionated, i struggle with seeing how Alima can be at fault in this situation. Men don't rule the world, certainly not my world. it scares me that it was 1991 before the australian high court abolished a ruling that exempted any husband from being convicted of rape if his victim was his wife (though South Australia had partially abolished this as "early" 1975). i am not a complete innocent and totally blinkered in this world, but i struggle to see how a woman/victim can EVER be at fault for rape.
maybe this is another reason why we don't have as many children per family as we used to...
where do we draw the line though. where do we say, it's not ur fault, it's the way you were raised, it's not ur fault it's just part of ur nature and ur culture. if i was raised in a culture that existed entirley on communal food and then came to work in an office, would i be allowed to raid the fridge and eat whatever i wanted because it is how i was raised? if i was raised to believe that the elderly and terminally ill are a burden on society and therefore they must be left to nature to deal with (euthanasia through omission of care), would i be unaccountable under Australian law which still outlaws euthanasia? i think the answer most people would agree in both cases is i would still be at fault and accountable under whatever system of government there was.
just reconciling thought in my head..
that is all...
20100206
i thought i had written this
i already thought i had written about this but i can't find it anywhere
i'm watching star wars. revenge of the sith. Anikan does it all for love. he turns to the dark side because he has a premonition that his wife is going to die. he is trying to save her, instead he ends up being the reason she dies.
how often do we all do something out of love, or for the best intention and it all goes wrong. they said it in Wicked too - no good deed goes unpunished, no act of charity goes unresented. was said in Xena too, frequently, by Ares.
i'm not sure i have a point, but it's just a thought that runs around my head every now and then, and makes me think.
"Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?"
that is all
i'm watching star wars. revenge of the sith. Anikan does it all for love. he turns to the dark side because he has a premonition that his wife is going to die. he is trying to save her, instead he ends up being the reason she dies.
how often do we all do something out of love, or for the best intention and it all goes wrong. they said it in Wicked too - no good deed goes unpunished, no act of charity goes unresented. was said in Xena too, frequently, by Ares.
i'm not sure i have a point, but it's just a thought that runs around my head every now and then, and makes me think.
"Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?"
that is all
20100205
20100204
gay marriage is wrong because...
i found this whilst wandering around the interwebz and wanted to share..
1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.
3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’s 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn’t changed at all: women are property, Blacks can’t marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of the official state religion are always imposed on the entire country.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.
10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.
1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.
3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’s 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn’t changed at all: women are property, Blacks can’t marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of the official state religion are always imposed on the entire country.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.
10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.
20100201
love and hate monday...
monday. the day we all love to hate. it makes sunday nights uncool just by association.
i was sitting on the loo thinking - coz that's where so many of us do our best thinking (and there is scientific reasoning behind this, to do with letting ur mind wander and being able to recognise that "ah hah!" moment...) about things i love and hate..
i love my new chucks - white, covered with tiny black stars.
i hate talking to people in public toilets.
i hate that self confidence, or a lack of it, can be so debilitating.
i hate that i missed out on saying good bye last night because of it.
i love that it was commented on.
i love that i was included in the "you don't need to rush off" group.
i hate the fact that she told me i "missed out" once before.
i love that i had an opportunity to miss...
i love anticipation
i hate anticipation
that is all
i was sitting on the loo thinking - coz that's where so many of us do our best thinking (and there is scientific reasoning behind this, to do with letting ur mind wander and being able to recognise that "ah hah!" moment...) about things i love and hate..
i love my new chucks - white, covered with tiny black stars.
i hate talking to people in public toilets.
i hate that self confidence, or a lack of it, can be so debilitating.
i hate that i missed out on saying good bye last night because of it.
i love that it was commented on.
i love that i was included in the "you don't need to rush off" group.
i hate the fact that she told me i "missed out" once before.
i love that i had an opportunity to miss...
i love anticipation
i hate anticipation
that is all
20100129
schools back...
Have you ever floated a leaf down a creek in the country, or watched a gum wrapper meander along the rain? it's peaceful. sometimes watching students can be like that. better when you can't hear them.
Students en masse are like water. slow moving water... they will find the path of least resistance. not always the fastest way, but without fail, the easiest. so if you want a pleasent stroll stick with the students. if you want to get somewhere quickly, maybe find another way..
I haven't caught a train consistently since i left high school. i have recently started catching the train to work three days a week, on the smae line that i used to catch in school. this morning, now that school is back, i was surrounded by fortians (Fort St students - once a fortian, always a fortain) as i got off the train. the scary thing is that they were instantly recognisable by their uniforms. in my day (when we had to walk up hill 5 miles both ways in the snow just to get to school...) Fortians were conspicuous for their lack of uniform... how times have changed....
that is all. just a little trp down my memory lane..
Students en masse are like water. slow moving water... they will find the path of least resistance. not always the fastest way, but without fail, the easiest. so if you want a pleasent stroll stick with the students. if you want to get somewhere quickly, maybe find another way..
I haven't caught a train consistently since i left high school. i have recently started catching the train to work three days a week, on the smae line that i used to catch in school. this morning, now that school is back, i was surrounded by fortians (Fort St students - once a fortian, always a fortain) as i got off the train. the scary thing is that they were instantly recognisable by their uniforms. in my day (when we had to walk up hill 5 miles both ways in the snow just to get to school...) Fortians were conspicuous for their lack of uniform... how times have changed....
that is all. just a little trp down my memory lane..
20100124
huge. massive.
Big. Day. Out!
for the second time i have been privileged enough to get to do volunteer work at the BDO, which means free entry. a more then fair trade if you ask me!
Yesterday was the day. woke up early than i wanted to but later than i should have, after being awake for about an hour in the middle of the night... on the "track work" bus, into Olympic Park, breakfast with some friends and then in to do my 4hr shift. Wristbanding over 18's. Not strenuous, but busy and monotonous. this year we shared the wristbanding space with "the wormhole" a dance space that was basically dark and had strobes and laser lights. great music. the other bonus about wristbanding is that you get to sit in the cool for the hottest hours of the day!
out of there and off to see Esky mojo (eskimo joe...). I always forget how much i love live music till i am there in it and can feel the beat reverberating in my chest. it's better than any drug. anyway. the blue stage and orange stage are right next to each other and bands alternate one side to the other so there is no lag time for set up between acts. I stayed in front of the stage Hilltop Hoods were about to be on, so i couldn't see esky mojo, but i did hear them sing "i don't understand the point of fingers".
Hilltop hoods were awesome, but the mosh pit was hectic. i am very thankful i made it out with all my limbs attached. i have a few random bruises and scratches, but no major injury. there were people being taken out over the top because they just couldn't handle it. within about 2 mins of them starting i was soaking wet, filthy dirty, and covered in other peoples sweat... LOVED IT!
Next was Dizzee Rascal, so i went to the loo and to get some water, then came back for Lily Allen. i was thinking about getting to the front but after the hoods i wasn't so sure. looking at the lily crowd on the big screen though, it was very calm... oh well. she was amazing. she has a huge power for someone so small!
I finally found my friends, which i had been trying to do for 4hrs, and we wandered around for the rest of the day fairly aimlessly. we handed around my worker wrist band so they could use the Staff loo's as the lines to use the others were horrendous!
for the rest of the day i saw a little bit of calvin harris, a little lady hawke, went on an awesome ride, bought 1/4 of a watermellon for a dollar, bought glow sticks and danced like a raver to muse, heard a little bit of grinspoon, went to the worm hole but it was closed down (news this morning says man in critical condition after drug overdose - that was probs why the worm hole was closed), went dancing in the jager cube - had my first jager bomb - an experience i plan on repeating!, then went to groove armada. they were awesome!
got back to my house at 1am, realised i had picked up the wrong spare key in the morning... drove to my mothers only to find that the screen door was locked so i couldn't break in to get my other spare key, so i slept in my car outside her house until she came out at 7:30 this morning and gave me my key!!! came home, finally showered!!!!! and now i want to sleep some more. my plans today are maybe hang out with some friends. if i nap now, that will work out really well... so i'm gonna take my dizzy little exhausted head for some time in lala land...
that is all.
for the second time i have been privileged enough to get to do volunteer work at the BDO, which means free entry. a more then fair trade if you ask me!
Yesterday was the day. woke up early than i wanted to but later than i should have, after being awake for about an hour in the middle of the night... on the "track work" bus, into Olympic Park, breakfast with some friends and then in to do my 4hr shift. Wristbanding over 18's. Not strenuous, but busy and monotonous. this year we shared the wristbanding space with "the wormhole" a dance space that was basically dark and had strobes and laser lights. great music. the other bonus about wristbanding is that you get to sit in the cool for the hottest hours of the day!
out of there and off to see Esky mojo (eskimo joe...). I always forget how much i love live music till i am there in it and can feel the beat reverberating in my chest. it's better than any drug. anyway. the blue stage and orange stage are right next to each other and bands alternate one side to the other so there is no lag time for set up between acts. I stayed in front of the stage Hilltop Hoods were about to be on, so i couldn't see esky mojo, but i did hear them sing "i don't understand the point of fingers".
Hilltop hoods were awesome, but the mosh pit was hectic. i am very thankful i made it out with all my limbs attached. i have a few random bruises and scratches, but no major injury. there were people being taken out over the top because they just couldn't handle it. within about 2 mins of them starting i was soaking wet, filthy dirty, and covered in other peoples sweat... LOVED IT!
Next was Dizzee Rascal, so i went to the loo and to get some water, then came back for Lily Allen. i was thinking about getting to the front but after the hoods i wasn't so sure. looking at the lily crowd on the big screen though, it was very calm... oh well. she was amazing. she has a huge power for someone so small!
I finally found my friends, which i had been trying to do for 4hrs, and we wandered around for the rest of the day fairly aimlessly. we handed around my worker wrist band so they could use the Staff loo's as the lines to use the others were horrendous!
for the rest of the day i saw a little bit of calvin harris, a little lady hawke, went on an awesome ride, bought 1/4 of a watermellon for a dollar, bought glow sticks and danced like a raver to muse, heard a little bit of grinspoon, went to the worm hole but it was closed down (news this morning says man in critical condition after drug overdose - that was probs why the worm hole was closed), went dancing in the jager cube - had my first jager bomb - an experience i plan on repeating!, then went to groove armada. they were awesome!
got back to my house at 1am, realised i had picked up the wrong spare key in the morning... drove to my mothers only to find that the screen door was locked so i couldn't break in to get my other spare key, so i slept in my car outside her house until she came out at 7:30 this morning and gave me my key!!! came home, finally showered!!!!! and now i want to sleep some more. my plans today are maybe hang out with some friends. if i nap now, that will work out really well... so i'm gonna take my dizzy little exhausted head for some time in lala land...
that is all.
20100118
fame! i'm gonna live forever...
i'm gonna learn how to fly..
well no, not really. i'm reading Lady Chatterley's Lover (can anyone tell me if it's worth persisting, this is my second try. so far it's less interesting that chaucers canterbury tales, which are a great read).
"Connie wondered a little over Clifford's blind, imperious necessity to become known: known, that is, to the vast amphorus world he did not himslef know, and of which he was uneasily afraid:"
this made me think of fame, being known in a world you may not even know yourself, especially child stars, so insulated for their own sake, so they can have a chance at normalcy. But what is normal about being cloistered. would famous kids be better off going to main stream schools in the public eye? they would have to be of good character though, because the media would burn them for the slightest indiscretion.
but what of adults? 'hard work and years of perserverance' kind of thing. the effort to BE known. then the small look into what it's really like - great popularity in a specific arena, still able to walk down the street, but unable to get across a room of gathered fans, everyone knowing who you are but forever wanting to know more - what do you keep for yourself? what do you keep OF yourself? do you remain the open book of the child star? do you let the media, the fans, see it all and hope that your character is good enough? or do you follow the P!nk school of thought - if they are going to hear it i want them to hear it from me. I think by being less enigmatic you become less interesting, less of a senstaion, but do you also lose part of yourself?
that is all...
well no, not really. i'm reading Lady Chatterley's Lover (can anyone tell me if it's worth persisting, this is my second try. so far it's less interesting that chaucers canterbury tales, which are a great read).
"Connie wondered a little over Clifford's blind, imperious necessity to become known: known, that is, to the vast amphorus world he did not himslef know, and of which he was uneasily afraid:"
this made me think of fame, being known in a world you may not even know yourself, especially child stars, so insulated for their own sake, so they can have a chance at normalcy. But what is normal about being cloistered. would famous kids be better off going to main stream schools in the public eye? they would have to be of good character though, because the media would burn them for the slightest indiscretion.
but what of adults? 'hard work and years of perserverance' kind of thing. the effort to BE known. then the small look into what it's really like - great popularity in a specific arena, still able to walk down the street, but unable to get across a room of gathered fans, everyone knowing who you are but forever wanting to know more - what do you keep for yourself? what do you keep OF yourself? do you remain the open book of the child star? do you let the media, the fans, see it all and hope that your character is good enough? or do you follow the P!nk school of thought - if they are going to hear it i want them to hear it from me. I think by being less enigmatic you become less interesting, less of a senstaion, but do you also lose part of yourself?
that is all...
20100105
remind me.
every now and then we all need reminding of what we mean. to people, to one person, to the world.
as i've been unpacking my life (yay!) i've found a few little bits and pieces that i have missed seeing day to day. this one i thought i would share with you. it is a note written to me, not by me, by an intelligent and independent young woman who i had the pleasure to lead. She was a natural outcast, considered by many to be snobbish or difficullt, and as a teenager, that hurt her. i didn't try to pigeon hole her, i just took each meeting and each emotion as it came. I was myself with her, more than many others i lead that year, because i trusted her to be able to handle me. whilst others found her hard to discipline, i found no need to discipline her at all.
"We can all be angels to one another. We can choose to obey the small stirring within, the little whispers that say 'go. ask. reach out. be an answer to someone's plea. you have a part to play. have faith.' we can decide to risk that he is indeed there, watching, caring, and cherishing us as we love and accept love. the world will be a better place for it and wherever they are the angels will dance" ~ Joan Wester Anderson ++ "Acept the things to which fate binds you and love the people with whom fate brings you together with but do so with all your heart." ~ Marcus Aelius Aurelius ++ I don't think you really need to be told that quote becoz you are the emodiment of the meaning as expressed through these words. Throughout gang show YOU have been MY angel showing me unconditional love and acceptance when everything seemed so dim. Through your spirit and light it gave me the permission, nay the comfortable arena, in which i could freely just be myself. A, I cannot express to you what you have done for me, nor can i explain what you mean to me. You showed me your whole heart, no questions asked. U are amazing, beautiful and more. You reached out to me and my time at gangshow was made better for it. Aye for an old fart you're pretty cool. and i guess angels must be dancing. <3 E.
that is all.
as i've been unpacking my life (yay!) i've found a few little bits and pieces that i have missed seeing day to day. this one i thought i would share with you. it is a note written to me, not by me, by an intelligent and independent young woman who i had the pleasure to lead. She was a natural outcast, considered by many to be snobbish or difficullt, and as a teenager, that hurt her. i didn't try to pigeon hole her, i just took each meeting and each emotion as it came. I was myself with her, more than many others i lead that year, because i trusted her to be able to handle me. whilst others found her hard to discipline, i found no need to discipline her at all.
"We can all be angels to one another. We can choose to obey the small stirring within, the little whispers that say 'go. ask. reach out. be an answer to someone's plea. you have a part to play. have faith.' we can decide to risk that he is indeed there, watching, caring, and cherishing us as we love and accept love. the world will be a better place for it and wherever they are the angels will dance" ~ Joan Wester Anderson ++ "Acept the things to which fate binds you and love the people with whom fate brings you together with but do so with all your heart." ~ Marcus Aelius Aurelius ++ I don't think you really need to be told that quote becoz you are the emodiment of the meaning as expressed through these words. Throughout gang show YOU have been MY angel showing me unconditional love and acceptance when everything seemed so dim. Through your spirit and light it gave me the permission, nay the comfortable arena, in which i could freely just be myself. A, I cannot express to you what you have done for me, nor can i explain what you mean to me. You showed me your whole heart, no questions asked. U are amazing, beautiful and more. You reached out to me and my time at gangshow was made better for it. Aye for an old fart you're pretty cool. and i guess angels must be dancing. <3 E.
that is all.
20100101
things to meet, people to do.
Dr Suess said it. Oh, the places you'll go! go read it, it's amazing how much deeper it is without the pictures, and with an adult mind in your head. it should be given to all high school students to read as a serious text. but i digress...
i have been saying "things to meet, people to do" for ages. in my head i always connect it with the above mentioned Dr Suess, and also, going places to meet people. recently i have found an entire community of friends online, and i have had to go nowhere to meet them. admittedly i have gone places and met a few, but they are not any more special to me than those i have not met. but there are some who stand out in my day, they know who they are. but just coz sometimes it helps... Jen, and Jen (one slightly more famous than the other) Chrystal (don't forget the H) Corx, Dax, Evil, hope and hope (again, one better known than the other) Abigail, Nat, RENEE!!!, bec and moni and a cindy or two (equally infamous in this case). if ur name isn't here, it doesn't mean i don't care, or i don't think ur funny, but these peeps, these friends stand out above the rest. these friends bring a smile to my day, a shoulder to my tears, and ear to my troubles and a laugh to my (sometimes lame) jokes. My life is richer because of you.
that is all.
i have been saying "things to meet, people to do" for ages. in my head i always connect it with the above mentioned Dr Suess, and also, going places to meet people. recently i have found an entire community of friends online, and i have had to go nowhere to meet them. admittedly i have gone places and met a few, but they are not any more special to me than those i have not met. but there are some who stand out in my day, they know who they are. but just coz sometimes it helps... Jen, and Jen (one slightly more famous than the other) Chrystal (don't forget the H) Corx, Dax, Evil, hope and hope (again, one better known than the other) Abigail, Nat, RENEE!!!, bec and moni and a cindy or two (equally infamous in this case). if ur name isn't here, it doesn't mean i don't care, or i don't think ur funny, but these peeps, these friends stand out above the rest. these friends bring a smile to my day, a shoulder to my tears, and ear to my troubles and a laugh to my (sometimes lame) jokes. My life is richer because of you.
that is all.
i have a hip hugging laundry basket
and a slight headache. let me take something for it and get right back to you.
so, where was i. oh yeah, headache. brought on in no small part by dehydration and probably from a bit of exhaustion, but i can guarantee it's not a hangover. or if it is it's a day late...
yesterday was NYE. Sydney is an amazing place to be on NYE because we have a beautiful harbour to sit around, and an amazing bridge, and we have some of the best fireworks i have ever seen, and i have seen plenty of fireworks, including NYC on NYE 2003.
i left home at 8am on NYE to head to the city to stake out my plot of land for maximum viewing pleasure. i was saving space for what would eventually be 7 of us, but was planned for a fluctuating 5. picture a harbour, now make it prettier, add friends and friendly strangers, some sun, some fun and you have NYE to a tee. in the 19 hours i was out i peed once, which is a skill well worth having when it's a 20min queue for port-a-loo's. i ate almost consistently, but no real meals were had, i went from being stretched out and spacious to sitting upright and perhaps just a little cramped. by the time the 9pm fireworks started i had my family and friends with me, and i had also met two lovely random strangers who became part of our party. Sydney does countdown fireworks, a couple of red bursts with 10 mins to go, then a little red shower from the bridge at 5 mins, and even a count down projected on the bridge. the 9pm (family) fireworks were good, but showed nothing of the spectacular that was to come. 10pm, one cracker. 11pm, another cracker, 11:30, a couple. then 15 mins, 10 mins, 5 mins, and an awesome gold pulsing explosion from one of the buildings across the harbour for the countdown. then about 15 mins of fire works, choreographed to music, ebbing and flowing, pulsing and growing, from the top of the bridge, the middle of the bridge, falling from the road base of the bridge, all along the full length, in canon and all at once, from 4 barges in the harbour (there were more, but i could see 4).
then the half an hour sit around and wait for the crowd to thin a little, the 30 odd min walk to the nearest train that we won't have to wait an hour to get onto, then the 15 train home. finally got home at 3am, having been out of the house for 19 hours. i had a shower and fell into bed. i have so many photo's and one story that ran all day to share.
i was sitting on a sandstone wall of a little bay that has been enclosed as a swimming hole. when i arrived in the morning the tide was high, the pool was full. the tide spent about the next 4 hours going down, leaving the pool as an enclosed sand pit essentially. high tide was due again at 9pm. people kept going to sit on the sand... we warned every single person that walked past us to get onto the beach that the tide would come up and they would get wet. most didn't listen, and from about 6pm we laughed as we watched them all creap further and further away from the rising water. it was just too funny, there were floating shoes, wet tripods, expensive camera's held aloft. we laughed every time a wave crashed over the break. we had warned them all and they hadn't listened. it was higlhy entertaining for those of us who had arrived at9am or earlier to get good spots with a clear view.
Happy New Year
that is all.
so, where was i. oh yeah, headache. brought on in no small part by dehydration and probably from a bit of exhaustion, but i can guarantee it's not a hangover. or if it is it's a day late...
yesterday was NYE. Sydney is an amazing place to be on NYE because we have a beautiful harbour to sit around, and an amazing bridge, and we have some of the best fireworks i have ever seen, and i have seen plenty of fireworks, including NYC on NYE 2003.
i left home at 8am on NYE to head to the city to stake out my plot of land for maximum viewing pleasure. i was saving space for what would eventually be 7 of us, but was planned for a fluctuating 5. picture a harbour, now make it prettier, add friends and friendly strangers, some sun, some fun and you have NYE to a tee. in the 19 hours i was out i peed once, which is a skill well worth having when it's a 20min queue for port-a-loo's. i ate almost consistently, but no real meals were had, i went from being stretched out and spacious to sitting upright and perhaps just a little cramped. by the time the 9pm fireworks started i had my family and friends with me, and i had also met two lovely random strangers who became part of our party. Sydney does countdown fireworks, a couple of red bursts with 10 mins to go, then a little red shower from the bridge at 5 mins, and even a count down projected on the bridge. the 9pm (family) fireworks were good, but showed nothing of the spectacular that was to come. 10pm, one cracker. 11pm, another cracker, 11:30, a couple. then 15 mins, 10 mins, 5 mins, and an awesome gold pulsing explosion from one of the buildings across the harbour for the countdown. then about 15 mins of fire works, choreographed to music, ebbing and flowing, pulsing and growing, from the top of the bridge, the middle of the bridge, falling from the road base of the bridge, all along the full length, in canon and all at once, from 4 barges in the harbour (there were more, but i could see 4).
then the half an hour sit around and wait for the crowd to thin a little, the 30 odd min walk to the nearest train that we won't have to wait an hour to get onto, then the 15 train home. finally got home at 3am, having been out of the house for 19 hours. i had a shower and fell into bed. i have so many photo's and one story that ran all day to share.
i was sitting on a sandstone wall of a little bay that has been enclosed as a swimming hole. when i arrived in the morning the tide was high, the pool was full. the tide spent about the next 4 hours going down, leaving the pool as an enclosed sand pit essentially. high tide was due again at 9pm. people kept going to sit on the sand... we warned every single person that walked past us to get onto the beach that the tide would come up and they would get wet. most didn't listen, and from about 6pm we laughed as we watched them all creap further and further away from the rising water. it was just too funny, there were floating shoes, wet tripods, expensive camera's held aloft. we laughed every time a wave crashed over the break. we had warned them all and they hadn't listened. it was higlhy entertaining for those of us who had arrived at9am or earlier to get good spots with a clear view.
Happy New Year
that is all.
20091225
this is the season...
Xmas. i went to church. twice. once for bells, smells and smoking handbags, and one was clap and wave...
these roughly translate to High Anglican and Baptist.
High Anglican - there was a bishop hat, there were lots of "pastors" in dresses. communion was real wine and fake bread. lots of carols with a pipe organ. SEVEN verses of o come all ye faithful... yes, 7 verses... the pastor was passionate. a little dry, but passionate. it was a lovely service by candle light, lots of carols.
this morning was baptist church, bordering on pentecostal - wave ur hands in the air like you just don't care - kinda thing... the pastor was not only passionate, but he was excited too. it was infectious. the music was a band, 2 keyboard, 2 guitars, drums and 4 singers. seriously great worship music.
last night's sermon was about giving to each other and the sense of community. todays sermon was about the gift of jesus, wrapped like all xmas gifts. and we don't leave any other pressies under the tree, so we should unwrap and accept the gift of jesus.
now, i went to church, i was christened as a baby, i had my confirmation when i was 14 or so. i was part of the youth ministry team and the music ministry team when i was 16-18. then i came out to my mother. and she told a friend who was the minister's wife. i was asked to leave my ministry, so i left the church. now i sing a lot. i am in 2 choirs currently. generally i am in three, every now and then 4. i rehearse a minimum twice a week. i perform minor shows at least once a month, major shows up to 6 times a year. so i sing heaps... but i miss music ministry. there really is nothing that compares with praising god by singing. i have never felt on any stage singing any song what i have felt at the front of a church worshiping god. that is about the only thing i miss about church. and although both services were insanely different, and the baptist service this morning was really very good, i have no desire to return to church. but i do still, and always will miss music ministry...
Merry Christmas
That is all.
these roughly translate to High Anglican and Baptist.
High Anglican - there was a bishop hat, there were lots of "pastors" in dresses. communion was real wine and fake bread. lots of carols with a pipe organ. SEVEN verses of o come all ye faithful... yes, 7 verses... the pastor was passionate. a little dry, but passionate. it was a lovely service by candle light, lots of carols.
this morning was baptist church, bordering on pentecostal - wave ur hands in the air like you just don't care - kinda thing... the pastor was not only passionate, but he was excited too. it was infectious. the music was a band, 2 keyboard, 2 guitars, drums and 4 singers. seriously great worship music.
last night's sermon was about giving to each other and the sense of community. todays sermon was about the gift of jesus, wrapped like all xmas gifts. and we don't leave any other pressies under the tree, so we should unwrap and accept the gift of jesus.
now, i went to church, i was christened as a baby, i had my confirmation when i was 14 or so. i was part of the youth ministry team and the music ministry team when i was 16-18. then i came out to my mother. and she told a friend who was the minister's wife. i was asked to leave my ministry, so i left the church. now i sing a lot. i am in 2 choirs currently. generally i am in three, every now and then 4. i rehearse a minimum twice a week. i perform minor shows at least once a month, major shows up to 6 times a year. so i sing heaps... but i miss music ministry. there really is nothing that compares with praising god by singing. i have never felt on any stage singing any song what i have felt at the front of a church worshiping god. that is about the only thing i miss about church. and although both services were insanely different, and the baptist service this morning was really very good, i have no desire to return to church. but i do still, and always will miss music ministry...
Merry Christmas
That is all.
20091220
not sure
i'm really not sure what i did. i don't even know if i did anything. but for some reason i seem to be getting no responses. but i'm kinda happy coz i'm more pissed off than upset, so that means a step forward, no matter how small...
20091217
i AM a grown up
really i am... been living at mums for about three months. move out on monday.
this morning i got up after 5 hours sleep and sleepily wandered to the ironing board with dress in hand to wear today. i have two xmas parties on today. mum offered to iron it while i went and had a shower.
whilst in the shower i hear through the door, ur dress has a mark on it, want me to wash it and bring it to you at work? you can wear my xmas skirt and dear santa t-shirt for the morning if you want (shirt - Dear Santa, Define good...). i replied don't worry about the washing but yeah if i could borrow her clothes that would be great (i have plenty of clothes but i really like the dear santa shirt!). i got out of the shower and she had already hand washed my dress and put it in the machine to spin dry, and had started cutting up fruit for my breakfast. while i ate breaky she went down to check my dress in the machine and it turned out that somehow the machine had put some orange stains on it, so she put it in to soak and apologised that she wouldnt be able to bring it to me to change...
isn't she just the sweetest!!!
I love you Mum. always and forever. Thank you for being who you are, and for raising me to be who i am.
that is all.
this morning i got up after 5 hours sleep and sleepily wandered to the ironing board with dress in hand to wear today. i have two xmas parties on today. mum offered to iron it while i went and had a shower.
whilst in the shower i hear through the door, ur dress has a mark on it, want me to wash it and bring it to you at work? you can wear my xmas skirt and dear santa t-shirt for the morning if you want (shirt - Dear Santa, Define good...). i replied don't worry about the washing but yeah if i could borrow her clothes that would be great (i have plenty of clothes but i really like the dear santa shirt!). i got out of the shower and she had already hand washed my dress and put it in the machine to spin dry, and had started cutting up fruit for my breakfast. while i ate breaky she went down to check my dress in the machine and it turned out that somehow the machine had put some orange stains on it, so she put it in to soak and apologised that she wouldnt be able to bring it to me to change...
isn't she just the sweetest!!!
I love you Mum. always and forever. Thank you for being who you are, and for raising me to be who i am.
that is all.
20091216
is that all?
why can't i just stop hoping. if i could just get that to stop then maybe everything else would be ok...
that is all.
that is all.
20091214
I had a dream...
that line is the start of so many things. martin luther, a song on the Baz Lurhman Romeo and Juliette soundtrack. i'm going with the second one.. but anyway, i had a dream last night..
my first GL/Venice Dream.
Not the "freakin super hero" Crystal Chappell, not the "adorabley gorgeous" Jessica Leccia, not the "worlds first lesbian mayor" Orlagh Cassidy, not even "i'm addicted to twitter and making dreams come true" kimmy T. Nope, the object of my desires seems to be "the enigma" Hope Royaltey.
It felt like i was in NYC, but logic tells me it was LA. Kimmy lived acros the road and up a few houses.
I was walking along the road + got to opposite Hope's house + stopped. there were a few guys over the road and then hope appeared, just getting home it seemed. she made eye contact with me, kind of acknowledged me and then went inside. i knew she wanted me to wait. in a few moments the guys left and Hope re-opened the door to let me in. i don't think we had ever met but she knew who i was - no introductions. the outside of the building was art deco style - 4 appartments, two up two down, but inside seemed much older, bigger rooms, high ceilings, flooded with light. most of the rooms were empty, she was obviously re-decorating. i offered my services with a paintbrush, but she said she wasn't up to painting yet, so i said i was equally skilled with a sanding block - she'll keep that in mind.
not long after Kimmy came over and (unconnected) Hope suddenly needed crutches. As if she only had so much strength in a day and she was all out. She had a big TV that needed to be moved, so i offered thinking Kimmy would help me, but somehow (love dreamland) Hope helped me, crutches and all. We ended up backing into the table she wanted it on and both sitting with the TV on our laps having a giggle, she nodded and we got up together and moved it to where it should be.
Than my alarm went off and i was running late so i couldn't ignore it and keep dreaming.
there wasn't much furniture in her place - her bedroom was done + there were couches, TV, dining table and that was about it. we were really comfortable together, even having apparently never met. Kimmy didn't bat an eyelid at my presence at all. wish i could have kept sleeping...
that is all.
my first GL/Venice Dream.
Not the "freakin super hero" Crystal Chappell, not the "adorabley gorgeous" Jessica Leccia, not the "worlds first lesbian mayor" Orlagh Cassidy, not even "i'm addicted to twitter and making dreams come true" kimmy T. Nope, the object of my desires seems to be "the enigma" Hope Royaltey.
It felt like i was in NYC, but logic tells me it was LA. Kimmy lived acros the road and up a few houses.
I was walking along the road + got to opposite Hope's house + stopped. there were a few guys over the road and then hope appeared, just getting home it seemed. she made eye contact with me, kind of acknowledged me and then went inside. i knew she wanted me to wait. in a few moments the guys left and Hope re-opened the door to let me in. i don't think we had ever met but she knew who i was - no introductions. the outside of the building was art deco style - 4 appartments, two up two down, but inside seemed much older, bigger rooms, high ceilings, flooded with light. most of the rooms were empty, she was obviously re-decorating. i offered my services with a paintbrush, but she said she wasn't up to painting yet, so i said i was equally skilled with a sanding block - she'll keep that in mind.
not long after Kimmy came over and (unconnected) Hope suddenly needed crutches. As if she only had so much strength in a day and she was all out. She had a big TV that needed to be moved, so i offered thinking Kimmy would help me, but somehow (love dreamland) Hope helped me, crutches and all. We ended up backing into the table she wanted it on and both sitting with the TV on our laps having a giggle, she nodded and we got up together and moved it to where it should be.
Than my alarm went off and i was running late so i couldn't ignore it and keep dreaming.
there wasn't much furniture in her place - her bedroom was done + there were couches, TV, dining table and that was about it. we were really comfortable together, even having apparently never met. Kimmy didn't bat an eyelid at my presence at all. wish i could have kept sleeping...
that is all.
20091213
moments and years
it's 2:52am. i'm going to try something different. i generally have a thought in my head and my blog posts come out very quickly, 5 - 10 mins tops. tonight, this morning really, i am going to write about the year that is now coming to an end, as a series of moments. due to the delight of editing and retyping i am going to put them in chronological order as much as i can. i am listening to "I didn't just kiss her" by Jen Foster, "Heal Over" by KT Tunstall and "Miss Me" by Kat Parsons. i've also learnt how to put links into my blog!
my friends and i were talking tonight about the fact that the year is almost over and we are all generally glad to see the back of it, coz wehave all had some completely shitty moments. i have had some really shitty moments too, but i don't think i would say it was a bad year.
1st January - 12:01am. watching the melbourne fireworks on tv. not my idea of how to ring in the new year. disappointment.
Big Day Out - wow. a day spent with my brothers. a day of great music, seeing the prodigy live, hot sweaty, smelly, wet, loud to the point of feeling every beat of music in every fibre of my body. one of the most primal feelings i have ever had in such a public forum. people crammed into a massive space. human life all celebrating sound together. energy to dance came from no-where after a massively long day. just phenomenal. i really can't put it into words.
february - fairy queen. perform an opera with Sydney Gay and Lesbian Choir and some of Australia's up and coming opera stars. this was the building of some great friendships.
so many moments i don't remember early in the year. i know i was miserable overall. hated my place of employment. no respect for a hard job that i did accurately, in a timely manner and without bugging anyone else. yeah i could be belligerent at times, but god damn i have now been gone from there since april, and they still don't have any decent results from the (3rd) person they hired to replace me. if they wanted to pay me more and respect my work i would go back there, but they can't afford me.
wasn't happy at home either. for so many little reasons which i am not going to go into.
april. new job. responsibilities drop about 5 steps, pay goes up about $5k, hours go down by 5. enjoyment of place i work, through the roof. job satisfaction... minimal. monkey button job, wasting my brain and my potential. i can live with that.
ok, it's now 3:47am and my brain is shutting down. i will finish this tomorrow...
now 1pm sunday. just woken up after 9 hrs sleep. lovely.
by this time of year i was really starting to think about my relationship. did i want to be there anymore? i came up wth a no, but then took my time to do anything about that. i spoke to a friend or two, but still was stuck where i was because i just couldn't bring myself to change anything. again, nothing sticks out in my mind. a group of friends were having dinner together every couple of weeks and they were hilarious night's, so many laughs it was fantastic. except that we had called the group the abandoned wives club. the first couple to break was heather and ton. that came as a shock to every single one of us, and Heather was completely devastated and heartbroken, and didn't cope at all for so many months afterwards. she still hasn't gone back to work...
june. my 30th birthday. great party with about 40 people, exactly what i wanted. 10 days later i left rose.
july. discovered GL and Crystal Chappell. took over my life for a while. i was frustrated randomly and it took me a while to work out it was the tension of the show that was making me antsy. spent two weeks on stage in front of up to 700 people every night and i didn't feel it. that really upset me. being onstage is like oxygen to me, performing is what i know, what i do, what i have done since i was about 8yrs old. to get on stage and not feel it after 22 years was not good. so i have not auditioned for the show for next year. that's gonna be a big whole. these people are some of my best and oldest friends and it's going to be weird not seeing them every week for half the year.
ok, this isn't going as i planned... it's taking me forever and i am not thinking well.. suffice to say that this year i have had some terrible lows. i've left a relationship and been left. my heart has had a trampling and i am by no means healed. i have made some amazing new friends, some i have met face to face, some i have not. i have had hysterical tears, caused by both sadness and laughter. i had moments of abject despair. i have moments of bounding joy. over all my year has been tough, i have had some major changes and major heartaches. but when i look back i am happy.
2:42pm. 12 hours. that is all.
my friends and i were talking tonight about the fact that the year is almost over and we are all generally glad to see the back of it, coz wehave all had some completely shitty moments. i have had some really shitty moments too, but i don't think i would say it was a bad year.
1st January - 12:01am. watching the melbourne fireworks on tv. not my idea of how to ring in the new year. disappointment.
Big Day Out - wow. a day spent with my brothers. a day of great music, seeing the prodigy live, hot sweaty, smelly, wet, loud to the point of feeling every beat of music in every fibre of my body. one of the most primal feelings i have ever had in such a public forum. people crammed into a massive space. human life all celebrating sound together. energy to dance came from no-where after a massively long day. just phenomenal. i really can't put it into words.
february - fairy queen. perform an opera with Sydney Gay and Lesbian Choir and some of Australia's up and coming opera stars. this was the building of some great friendships.
so many moments i don't remember early in the year. i know i was miserable overall. hated my place of employment. no respect for a hard job that i did accurately, in a timely manner and without bugging anyone else. yeah i could be belligerent at times, but god damn i have now been gone from there since april, and they still don't have any decent results from the (3rd) person they hired to replace me. if they wanted to pay me more and respect my work i would go back there, but they can't afford me.
wasn't happy at home either. for so many little reasons which i am not going to go into.
april. new job. responsibilities drop about 5 steps, pay goes up about $5k, hours go down by 5. enjoyment of place i work, through the roof. job satisfaction... minimal. monkey button job, wasting my brain and my potential. i can live with that.
ok, it's now 3:47am and my brain is shutting down. i will finish this tomorrow...
now 1pm sunday. just woken up after 9 hrs sleep. lovely.
by this time of year i was really starting to think about my relationship. did i want to be there anymore? i came up wth a no, but then took my time to do anything about that. i spoke to a friend or two, but still was stuck where i was because i just couldn't bring myself to change anything. again, nothing sticks out in my mind. a group of friends were having dinner together every couple of weeks and they were hilarious night's, so many laughs it was fantastic. except that we had called the group the abandoned wives club. the first couple to break was heather and ton. that came as a shock to every single one of us, and Heather was completely devastated and heartbroken, and didn't cope at all for so many months afterwards. she still hasn't gone back to work...
june. my 30th birthday. great party with about 40 people, exactly what i wanted. 10 days later i left rose.
july. discovered GL and Crystal Chappell. took over my life for a while. i was frustrated randomly and it took me a while to work out it was the tension of the show that was making me antsy. spent two weeks on stage in front of up to 700 people every night and i didn't feel it. that really upset me. being onstage is like oxygen to me, performing is what i know, what i do, what i have done since i was about 8yrs old. to get on stage and not feel it after 22 years was not good. so i have not auditioned for the show for next year. that's gonna be a big whole. these people are some of my best and oldest friends and it's going to be weird not seeing them every week for half the year.
ok, this isn't going as i planned... it's taking me forever and i am not thinking well.. suffice to say that this year i have had some terrible lows. i've left a relationship and been left. my heart has had a trampling and i am by no means healed. i have made some amazing new friends, some i have met face to face, some i have not. i have had hysterical tears, caused by both sadness and laughter. i had moments of abject despair. i have moments of bounding joy. over all my year has been tough, i have had some major changes and major heartaches. but when i look back i am happy.
2:42pm. 12 hours. that is all.
20091204
contradictionary...
yeah i made up that word... i like it... it has been brought to my attention, so many times in my life, but again recently, what a contradiction i am.
i have a shaved head. my eyelashes are frequetly, and currently, tinted. i also have acrylic nails right now, and even when i can't afford the maintanence of them i take good care of my nails. i wear mens shorts, or dresses. i have 9 tattoos and i like to cross stitch while waiting around at choir. i will hapilly sit in the yard and fix the lawn mower and my favourite toy is meccano. my favourite songs are by mozart and marylin manson. i love chic flicks, and chic lit. i have only recently started wearing womens jeans, and still have a number of mens jeans in my wardrobe. i pay no attention to fashion, but the jeans i bought the other day are the latest style, complete with holes. on the outside i am tough, but i am one of the most loyal and caring friends you could hope for. i'm a big softy. i hate birthdays, or my birthday anyway. i hate all commercial celebration, valntines, mothers day etc, but i love xmas and everything it entails, the carols, the tree, shopping with the masses in the city. most days i'd be happy to be androgynous, though i love my feminine side, but that doesn't mean you can call me a lady. i bake. i wanted to join the army, but they wouldn' take me (on medical grounds).
i'm me.
that is all.
i have a shaved head. my eyelashes are frequetly, and currently, tinted. i also have acrylic nails right now, and even when i can't afford the maintanence of them i take good care of my nails. i wear mens shorts, or dresses. i have 9 tattoos and i like to cross stitch while waiting around at choir. i will hapilly sit in the yard and fix the lawn mower and my favourite toy is meccano. my favourite songs are by mozart and marylin manson. i love chic flicks, and chic lit. i have only recently started wearing womens jeans, and still have a number of mens jeans in my wardrobe. i pay no attention to fashion, but the jeans i bought the other day are the latest style, complete with holes. on the outside i am tough, but i am one of the most loyal and caring friends you could hope for. i'm a big softy. i hate birthdays, or my birthday anyway. i hate all commercial celebration, valntines, mothers day etc, but i love xmas and everything it entails, the carols, the tree, shopping with the masses in the city. most days i'd be happy to be androgynous, though i love my feminine side, but that doesn't mean you can call me a lady. i bake. i wanted to join the army, but they wouldn' take me (on medical grounds).
i'm me.
that is all.
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