moments and years

it's 2:52am. i'm going to try something different. i generally have a thought in my head and my blog posts come out very quickly, 5 - 10 mins tops. tonight, this morning really, i am going to write about the year that is now coming to an end, as a series of moments. due to the delight of editing and retyping i am going to put them in chronological order as much as i can. i am listening to "I didn't just kiss her" by Jen Foster, "Heal Over" by KT Tunstall and "Miss Me" by Kat Parsons. i've also learnt how to put links into my blog!

my friends and i were talking tonight about the fact that the year is almost over and we are all generally glad to see the back of it, coz wehave all had some completely shitty moments. i have had some really shitty moments too, but i don't think i would say it was a bad year.

1st January - 12:01am. watching the melbourne fireworks on tv. not my idea of how to ring in the new year. disappointment.
Big Day Out - wow. a day spent with my brothers. a day of great music, seeing the prodigy live, hot sweaty, smelly, wet, loud to the point of feeling every beat of music in every fibre of my body. one of the most primal feelings i have ever had in such a public forum. people crammed into a massive space. human life all celebrating sound together. energy to dance came from no-where after a massively long day. just phenomenal. i really can't put it into words.
february - fairy queen. perform an opera with Sydney Gay and Lesbian Choir and some of Australia's up and coming opera stars. this was the building of some great friendships.
so many moments i don't remember early in the year. i know i was miserable overall. hated my place of employment. no respect for a hard job that i did accurately, in a timely manner and without bugging anyone else. yeah i could be belligerent at times, but god damn i have now been gone from there since april, and they still don't have any decent results from the (3rd) person they hired to replace me. if they wanted to pay me more and respect my work i would go back there, but they can't afford me.
wasn't happy at home either. for so many little reasons which i am not going to go into.
april. new job. responsibilities drop about 5 steps, pay goes up about $5k, hours go down by 5. enjoyment of place i work, through the roof. job satisfaction... minimal. monkey button job, wasting my brain and my potential. i can live with that.

ok, it's now 3:47am and my brain is shutting down. i will finish this tomorrow...

now 1pm sunday. just woken up after 9 hrs sleep. lovely.

by this time of year i was really starting to think about my relationship. did i want to be there anymore? i came up wth a no, but then took my time to do anything about that. i spoke to a friend or two, but still was stuck where i was because i just couldn't bring myself to change anything. again, nothing sticks out in my mind. a group of friends were having dinner together every couple of weeks and they were hilarious night's, so many laughs it was fantastic. except that we had called the group the abandoned wives club. the first couple to break was heather and ton. that came as a shock to every single one of us, and Heather was completely devastated and heartbroken, and didn't cope at all for so many months afterwards. she still hasn't gone back to work...
june. my 30th birthday. great party with about 40 people, exactly what i wanted. 10 days later i left rose.
july. discovered GL and Crystal Chappell. took over my life for a while. i was frustrated randomly and it took me a while to work out it was the tension of the show that was making me antsy. spent two weeks on stage in front of up to 700 people every night and i didn't feel it. that really upset me. being onstage is like oxygen to me, performing is what i know, what i do, what i have done since i was about 8yrs old. to get on stage and not feel it after 22 years was not good. so i have not auditioned for the show for next year. that's gonna be a big whole. these people are some of my best and oldest friends and it's going to be weird not seeing them every week for half the year.

ok, this isn't going as i planned... it's taking me forever and i am not thinking well.. suffice to say that this year i have had some terrible lows. i've left a relationship and been left. my heart has had a trampling and i am by no means healed. i have made some amazing new friends, some i have met face to face, some i have not. i have had hysterical tears, caused by both sadness and laughter. i had moments of abject despair. i have moments of bounding joy. over all my year has been tough, i have had some major changes and major heartaches. but when i look back i am happy.

2:42pm. 12 hours. that is all.