yeah, that's right. Do. Not. Resuscitate.
for a long time i have been a believer in something akin to the theory of natural selection, survival of the fittest. If you are born with a genetic life disfiguring disease, and one of the attributes is the inability to reproduce, then perhaps it's a sign from a higher power that you having kids is not meant to be on the card. Do Not seek medical assistance in this matter. if you don't have any other issues, and infertility seems to be just something you got lumped with, then by all means - go for it.
i have always had the view that i don't really want to be old. i don't put an age on this - to me "old" is a state of frailty. the inability to look after yourself anymore, whether it be caused by physical or mental atrophy. that is old. if your 90 (like my grandfather) and still mowing your own lawns and cleaning your own gutters and playing tennis twice a week and giving lectures on nuclear physics at a local community college, then you are not old. if you are 70 and can't get out of bed without help because of a stroke and suffer from dementia making recovery from aforementioned stroke unlikely in the extreme, then you are old.
genetics in my family put me more in the first category than the second, and in that i am lucky. if i get parkinsons at 55, and then dementia at 60 - i don't want to be alive. if i make it 2 to 90 and still wish my kids would walk faster because i have places to be, then let me keep living (and keep up!)
today i read an article that made me think. if i have a stroke that would kill me without medical intervention, then i want to die. if i have a dicky heart that will only keep functioning with a pace maker, then i want to die. if i have cancer that chemo only has a chance of irradiating, or that is inoperable, then i want it to be left to run it's course.
there comes a point where too much medical assistance is too much. sure, if i am going to live anyway then yes, please, make it comfortable. but if without medical help i would die, then it's my time. let me go. I don;t want to live on and be a burden to anyone, and i don't believe that medical miracles are always a miracle.
that is all
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The ramblings of a 30-ish girl with nothing in particular to say to no-one in particular.
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i've thought about this a lot myself. i don't know what i'm thinking or feeling.
ReplyDeletemy dad's mother died 11yrs ago at the age of 76, (i think).
she had this routine of getting up at 6am, cleaning the appartment, going to the hairdresser, cooking lunch for the family, nap and then she always sat down in her favorite chair to watch her favorite tv show, dinner with the family and then she went to bed. same routine very day.
we were in Thailand when her boyfriend (they'd been together for 30yrs after her husband had died) called and said he found her dead in her fav chair. she was healthy. she didn't take any pills, she was always up and moving around - and then she just died. just like that. while watching her favorite tv show she just slipped away. her boyfriend who was my real grandpa to me, died just a few weeks later altho he was quite healthy. he literally died of a broken heart. he couldn't live without my grandma.
my mom's mother died about a year ago at the age of 86 (i think). about 2 years ago she had a stroke and was in the hospital for a few weeks. then when she was back at home she couldn't really do anything. she was too weak. my aunt had to take care of her 24/7. grandpa was still very healthy but he'd never done any housework his whole life so my aunt had to do it all.
not long after she'd gone home, grandma had a lil accident + was brought to the hospital again, where she suffered another stroke. from there it was just downhill. she started to forget things, she was confused - she was so angry sometimes and she often didn't recognize us. eventually she stopped eating so they started force-feeding her. grandma was in the hospital for about a year. i'm not sure she realized any of what was going on around her - they say she wasn't in any pain but i don't believe that. we visited her every day and it was uncomfortable for me. i hated it. i felt so bad for her.
grandpa was with her every day from 9am - 8pm. he just sat there. he was the only one she recognized. when we went to pick him up at night, grandma would start crying out for him and wouldn't stop. it was the same thing every night. the nurses just sedated her so she would stop.
i don't want this to happen to me. but when is the right time to say, okay... let's stop with the medication and let nature take its course?
and who's to make that decision? i certainly couldn't do it.
even tho she wasn't herself anymore, i wanted my grandma to be around. even tho it was so awful to visit her every day and to know she doesn't even know i'm there... i wanted her to be around.
now my grandpa is in the hospital because he fell outta bed a couple weeks ago and has a few bruises. nothing serious. he was always so lively and full of energy even tho he's already 97 years old. he survived wars, he was captured by the Russians and was in a labor camp for years, he lost everything but didn't give up and rebuild his life. he played the piano, violin and several other instruments altho his hand got injured in war. he loved photography and history and he was always so proud of me when he heard me play the piano and saw my photos!
he was in the hospital for a few weeks and then they took him home. my aunt hired a 24/7 maid to help. she washes my grandpa, cooks for him.. does everything in the house. he still reads the newspaper but really he just sits in his chair all the time and doesn't do anything. he can still hear quite ok but it's hard to have a conversation with him. i'm not sure how he's doing. i doubt he's happy.
he isn't in any pain or anything but really.... i'm not sure he's actually alive.
wow... im sorry. this has gotten long. i've never talked to anybody about this and not sure what caused me to write all that just now.