the new year....

ok, lets start with a random. i'm sad. i know what would make me not sad, but i am avoiding it because long term i need to get over it. on a more short term thing, i don't have a no-one i can talk to anymore. no real space to vent. my housemate knows all my posting places online (pretty sure she hasn't found this one yet) and she's too close to home, literally. if i post something that says i'm sad - i don;t want to get questioned on it, i just want to vent, just talk. to no-one in particular.

Today i sat with friends drinking beer, eating good food, feeling left out and sad. it was nothing any of them did, just a way i felt for a while. one friend noticed and asked me, i didn't want to make a big deal of it though. and after a bit, i was fine again. i don't exactly know what was going on, but it was there, and then it went.
i may just be tired. i've had a few big days. i've felt like crying fairly often, and have been triggered by the smallest things. walking around a ferry this morning with a 15 month old and i had to hold back tears. i love that little girl, she is so sweet. but she reminds me of so much pain that some days it's just hard to be with her without wanting to scoop her up and cry on her shoulder.

maybe i just need a few days of alone time, but i don't want to be alone. it leads to the sad. i don't feel like it's helping me settle emotionally. i dont feel like being alone is doing me any favours. but i also don't really have anyone i can just go and be with without ending up right back at the beginning of this post...

but...

moving on to the new year...

2011. a year when i may get into university. i may become a student. right now this concept makes me want to cry (not much of a surprise there) and excites me too. i have no idea what to expect. i already feel like it will be more than i can handle. everything i have one in the past year proves that this is not the case. not only can i handle it, i can do well at it. i just need to put my head down and my tail up and work.

well, that was that thought... the other day i managed to make myself completely miserable with an entirely hypothetical situation. how would i break the news of me being pregnant to a friend who had been trying to get pregnant for years. now, i'm not pregnant, and right now i'm not even trying. but i can imagine nothing crueler than having to tell a friend who has failed again and again to get pregnant that i have succeeded where she has not.

that is all.