working with mum...

or "how to feel like a teenager all over again".

“By the way, I know I’m this confident, ‘out’ person on the outside, but there’s still part of me that’s like this 16-year-old scared girl who is in the locker room and doesn’t want to look up for fear that the other girls will think she’s looking at them…”
Nicole Pacent said it right. and it's a real thing, that so many of us experience, and still struggle with. I don't know what goes through str8 girls minds when they are in the same situation, coz i'm not a str8 girl. it doesn't matter that i'm not interested in any of the bodies around me in a dressing room, but i worry that the other girls will think i am looking because i am gay, so i keep my eyes down, or face the wall. i'm not modest. i really don't care if you see me in my underwear. i don't care if your male, female, gay or straight, if we're getting changed you will see my underwear. meh, no biggy. If i am interested in dating you then i will care more, but only because, like most women, i lack body confidence.

so how does this relate to working with my mother? She manages a costume shop. She is a costumier by trade. Her work and training and qualifications means she spends a lot of time with people in their underwear, and when they go see her they expect that. I have been working with her, but have done everything i can to avoid helping people with fastenings or fittings or anything like that. it comes back to that fear that people will think i am looking at them. we get school kids through to grandparents in the shop, trying on costumes. it's what we do, and it's why they come, but it's generally only the women who need help with fastenings - it's the nature of the costumes they wear. and because i work there i guess they expect me to have the level of professionalism, and maybe i'll become confident in that thought one day, but right now the fear wins, and Mum just doesn't understand. which takes me back to "what do str8 girls think". by the way my mother acts and reacts i could take it that it's not an issue. but then again, as stated, this is her career, her trade.

but i hate feeling like a teenager. it wasn't that much fun first time around.