writing for pleasure. how novel!

It took 33 years to draw this map

The one you see when you look at me

It shows where I’ve been

The rivers I’ve cried

The mountains I’ve overcome

It shows you the places I’ve loved

And the valleys of laughter are clear

The dark lands of sorrow too

Recently the summers are showing more clearly

A sign post of my mother’s design

It shows the winters of contentment too

Most obvious in the holes unused in my belt

The thing with this map though

 Is that there is no legend

We’re all blind when we try to read each other’s faces

So many stories are hidden within this 33 year old map

bored, procrastinating, or I just feel like talking?

• 1. Your name?Alex, Legs, Trip. babe. 
• 2. Your age? 33
• 3. Where are you from?Sydney.
• 4. Eye color? kinda blue grey...
• 5. Your sexual identity? i Identify as a chick who likes chicks who like chicks. Having said that though, on the recently introduced sliding scale of sexual preference I am about a 7.5/10 (1 being fred niles, 10 being ellen)
• 6. 3 things you’re terrified of? relying on my body to get me to great heights. never having children. graduating.
• 7. Diagnosed with anything? a few things, nothing exciting. a bit of poor eye sight. some arthritis, some ovary cyst issues. nothing major.
• 8. Ever visited a different country? many different countries, but there are still many more. I have 3 more planned for 2014.
• 9. Have any siblings? 1 or 4, depending on how you want to look at it. I generally say i have 3 though.
• 10. Anyone you miss? yes. There is always someone I miss. I even randomly miss my best friend who lived next door when we were 7. I haven't seen or heard from her in 23 years.
• 11. Was today a good day? so far so good, and I have expectations that it will continue as such.
• 12. How many people have you dated? I drew a whole time line once... somewhere in the realm of 2 dozen i guess, from my first BF at 11 yrs old, through flings and serious relationships to now.
• 13. What was your first date like? my first date ever... might have been a group movie with friends. my most recent first date? lovely. movie then dinner then a walk on the beach.
• 14. What would you like to do as a career? I am working towards becoming a librarian. I think i might also enjoy doing data entry stuff, but on a larger scale than just plugging figures into a system.
• 15. 3 favorite movies? the sound of music. Shakespeare in love. The american president. these three I watch over and over and they make me feel good. there are others i could put on the same level, but i like them for different reasons - tank girl. the Breakfast club. etc.
• 16. 3 favorite TV shows? Greys anatomy, The biggest loser (any country), loving Bomb Girls right now.
• 17. Your current favorite video game/s? i like star wars pod racer, but i haven't played for a few years coz my nintendo 64 requires an adapter...
• 18. Your favorite childhood video game/s? captain comic.
• 19. Your favorite childhood TV show/s? A Country Practice, Start Trek next Gen.
• 20. Your favorite childhood movie/s?Oliver. Alice in wonderland. Mary Poppins
• 21. Have you ever led anybody on or been led on? I'm sure the answer is yes I have led someone on. I don't know if i have been led on. If i have it obviously didn't scar me.
• 22. Ever had your heart broken?I've been a breaker more often than the broken, but yeah, i've been crushed a bit once or twice.
• 23. Is it hard for you to get over things? no. I really struggle to hold a grudge...
• 24. Do you get jealous easily? nope.
• 25. Do you prefer being taken or single? each has their ups and downs, but I am very happily taken right now.
• 26. 5 facts about the person you like? she has a very commanding presence. She has a soft side she keeps mostly hidden. She gives great big strong hugs. Her knife skills are very handy. She sings a lot better than she thinks she does.
• 27. 5 facts about the person you hate? I don't hate anyone. and if i did, why would i know 5 things about them?
• 28. 5 facts about your best friend? too hard to choose which one to write about.
• 29. 5 facts about your ex?  i have chosen one least likely to ever see this. She has a violent past. She was very emotionally demanding. She is a good mother, though doesn't always make the most intelligent long term decisions. she was somewhat unadventurous. She comes from a small family.
• 30. 5 facts about yourself? I want to own a room full of books with a comfy nook for reading. I love to bake more than i can eat. I need to remind myself to not choose failure, often. I don't know why i can't keep my weight at a healthy level - i'm a bit lazy about it, but i love exercising when i'm doing it and can stick to a healthy diet happily. I feel like i waste a lot of time being very unproductive.
• 31. Your 3 biggest regrets? there are some things I didn't love at the time, but they have helped make me who I am and get me to where I am, so I don't regret them.
• 32. Last thing you ate? poached ocean trout and grilled asparagus salad.
• 33. Anybody you think about everyday? a few people, yes.
• 34. Have you ever hit anybody? never in anger, but I have hit many people. either play fighting with friends or at marshal arts training.
• 35. Has anybody ever told you they can’t live without you? yes. I don't believe it. ever.
• 36. What was your first kiss like? a quick lips peck with Martin. I was 12.
• 37. Are you a virgin? no. and at 33 i'm pretty ok with that answer!
• 38. Are you a morning person or are you nocturnal? I don't like waking up early, and I study best in the eveining, But i get tired and I would rather work a morning shift than a late shift...
• 39. Weirdest place you’ve had sex/would like to have sex? ummm... back of a car in a park. public bathrooms. a friends couch while she slept (or maybe not) down the hall. i don't know that these places really count as weird though.
• 40. What was your favourite song last summer? the Matilda soundtrack.
• 41. Ever taken illegal drugs? If so what ones?smoked pot, taken ecstasy. that's about it really.
• 42. Your earliest memory? When my sister was playing under the ironing board and the iron fell and burnt her. I have a memory of dad taking her to the hospital late at night. I would have been less than 3 years old.
• 43. Who did you/would you like to lose your virginity to? Daniel. He was a beautiful boy, with a heart of gold, and an unfortunate lack of strength to handle the issues in his life.
• 44. What was the last dream you had about? I dreamt last night that I was looking after a friends baby who she was calling a boy, though it had a vagina.
• 45. What was the last nightmare you had about? i don't remember.
• 46. Do you have any fetishes? what's normal to one person is a fetish to others. I don't tick any of the standard boxes though.
• 47. Who was your first love? I remember having a crush on Raymond Bart in primary school. He taught me how to do up my shoe laces. First as a "grown up" though was heather - a molly ringwald look alike.
• 48. Ever dumped anybody? Many.
• 49. Why did you and your ex break up? a different reason every time, but generally because I no longer wanted to be where I was.
• 50. 3 people you’d like to meet most? Rachel Maddow - she's hot and smart. Lynne - we've been online friends for years, but we are yet to actually meet. my first born child. I can't wait to meet that little person.
• 51. 3 things you’d like to do before you die? have kids. go on a cruise. have time to enjoy the reading room I want without feeling guilty about neglecting anything else.
• 52. Tumblr or Facebook? the book of faces. though I have recently been considering getting myself a tumblr account just so I can follow a few people.
• 53. The last thing you bought? coffee this morning. a few t-shirts a week ago.
• 54. What was your last holiday like? the last short break was a nice relax in the hunter valley, spending far too much money on wine. The last real holiday i took was amazing and perfect.
• 55. Would you date the last person you kissed? well, seeing as we live together I would have to say yes...
• 56. Have you ever had sex with somebody you weren’t dating? yes.
• 57. Ever cheated or been cheated on? yes.
• 58. Ever had sex with more than one person at one time? yes. (those answers were all a little bit vague... ;))
• 59. Would you ever enter into a long distance relationship? been there, done that. it's possible but not ideal.
• 60. Tell us a secret? I feel like I love my cats far more than they love me. but that's a cat for you!

Trek.... (better late than never...)

Terima kasih means thank you in Indonesian. I can't thank the boys who took us trekking enough. Aman, our guide, and 2 porters whose names I don't know, have been amazing. The food has been excellent, especially considering they carry it all on their shoulders. We trek down a hill, carrying our own stuff (maybe 4kgs) and arrive at a little shelter, our camp chairs are set and the kettle is on the boil for tea. And for tea brewed over a fire they built with wet sticks, it is amazing tea! The meals are massive, and so tasty, and we got to share breakfast with monkeys one day! 
Now, it all sounds pretty peachy so far. It's not all roses up here! I am filthy, and smelly, and every muscle I own is aching! I have been scared to the point of crying twice, and I have a bruise on my bum where slipped halfway up a volcano summit. I didn't make it to the top - I took shelter behind a rock on a path about 1m wide and shivered while Wendy did make it to the top and said it was the hardest thing she has ever done - this from a woman who ran a Marathon... 
Now we're off the mountain and I've had 3 showers I can look back at it and say it was amazing. I still can't walk down a step without looking 90 though.
On day one we started a gradual uphill walk in the blazing sun and the most horrible humidity you can imagine. After a lunch stop of rice, stir fried veggies, cucumber (every meal had cucumber!) prawn crackers, dragon fruit and pineapple, we started to actually face some hills. Then it started raining. Then Aman told us it was going to get steep... what he meant to say was, for the next 2 hours you will be scrabbling almost directly up a hill not too far off vertical, in a downpour. It stopped raining just as we reached camp, which our porters had set up before we arrived, and Wendy and I crashed out. Day 2 started at 2am. Woken to tea and toast, we then started the even harder trek up to the summit, 3700m above sea level, where we had been the morning before. It was like walking up the steepest sand dune you've ever seen, but with a vertical drop either side of the 1m wide path, for over 3 hours. Coming down only took 1.5 hours... We then had 2nd breakfast and started the descent to the lake and hot springs. By the time we were halfway down I felt like Bambi. I had no control over my own legs! We then discovered what Aman meant when he said flat. Not that there would be no hills, but that the path was smooth - no rocks or roots to trip over or use as steps... got to the "flat" and it started raining again... this was the first time Aman disappeared on us. It turned out he was hurrying ahead to make sure that camp was ready for us!
Lunch by the lake was the end of hiking for day 2, but both of those days had been 8+ hours of seriously hard work, and more than a few scared tears. The hot springs weren't quite as healing as we'd have liked, but were a great chance to wash off 2 days of muck and stink... Kinda. It's a bit hard to get really clean in a sulphur pool. A little more rain for good measure and time for another exhausted sleep. Day three started in a very relaxed fashion; a spot of fishing for the boys and a wander around the lake for us. Then the uphill. We only hiked for about 4 hours, but most of it was spent heading almost vertical again. This time there were rocks to climb, which made it easier and less scary, but also day 3 of some serious leg pain. And we stretched every chance we got. There was nothing we could do but live with the ache and keep going. The camp site for night 3 only has space for 2 groups, so after lunch young boy, the 16 yr old porter, packed up a bit less gear and practically ran down the next 45 mins of hill (the easiest part of the whole thing) and nabbed the best campsite! Our tent was on a raised platform, under a tin roof, next to the cooking shelter, with a view over the jungle where rare black monkeys live. It was amazing. To top it all off we had hot chips, again cooked over a fire, and a camp fire. It was a lovely night with all 5 of us sitting around the fire telling stories. 
Early (8pm) to bed, early (5:30am) to rise, and our last day began smelling awful and feeling like we couldn't move. Down hill all the way, for not much over 3 hours. But with all the aches it may as well have been 8. We made it back to John's Hotel by a little after 10, and I have never been so excited to have a freezing cold shower.
Overall it was an amazing experience, worth the pain that I am still (48 hours and 2 massages later) suffering. I wouldn't do it again, and I wish I had packed warmer clothes and more clean socks. I would absolutely recommend it to others, but with a massive warning. It is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. You'll be cold, wet, sore and exhausted for nearly the whole thing. You'll sweat buckets and then freeze half to death in the space of an hour. Mr John's trekking is absolutely the company you should use, I can not fault them or the equipment they had. 
Now if I could just get up out of my chair to get the password for the wifi...

You are not your body

Janine Shepherd TEDx Talk
Janine Shepherd was an Australian Winter Olympian. Well, she was about to be one. Then one day, on a training ride, she got hit by a car. With her list of injuries, she should have been dead. She spent 6 months in a spinal ward and was told she would never walk again. Now, she flies. She has her instructors rating and also teaches aerobatics. She can walk. But it's so much more than that - she refused to be defined by her body and her injuries.
I have always found her story truly inspiring, ever since I saw Claudia Karvan playing her in a telemovie called "Never Tell Me Never", based on Janine's autobiography. This TEDx talk is, again, seriously inspiring.
And for me it comes at a useful time. I am not comparing myself to Janine, or to other people with serious and debilitating injuries. But I do have an old injury which is really starting to impact on what I can and can't do. True, I push the friendship with it. I'm sure I shouldn't run, I am getting used to the fact that I can only jump for a certain amount of time before it becomes too painful, and I am already well used to waking in pain, and limping up or down stairs, and the fact that an 8 hour work day on my feet is getting to be as much as i can handle some days, and more than i can handle two days in a row.
It's time for me to start not being my body. I still want to run. I want to go trekking in Indonesia. I want to play soccer next year. I sometimes want to jump. sometimes... I do want to be able to sit, sleep, stand, crouch, comfortably. I don't want to limp for a minute or so every time I get up. But if I keep running and jumping, the sitting comfortably will become more and more unlikely, the walking easily a near impossibility.
The big thing in all of this is that I really will have to cut back on my chocolate intake, because I won't be able to just run it off. I can still ride, and still swim, but neither of these are as efficient as running.
I don't have all my answers yet, and I don't know, really, how much i shouldn't be doing. I've always just pushed through it and come good in the end, but i don't seem to be coming good anymore...
We'll see...

Marriage Equality...

Not same sex marriage. It may seem like semantics to you. Do you remember our acronym? LGBTQI. Or at the very least LGBT. That T stands for Trans. People who don't fit the standard legal terms for gender- your basic binary male or female. Or maybe they want to, but the law says coz they were called a female at birth, they are still female, and therefore can't marry another female, even though they are now male.. make sense??? Or, if the trans person in question has had a sex change and is now legally male, but still likes men, then he can't marry his boyfriend.
So, when marriage equality is being discussed in the senate and house of reps and the politicians who don't care and don't know any better talk about same sex marriage, they are leaving out a whole chunk of our community. A chunk which includes friends of mine. A chunk I am quite passionate about supporting.
Also - Equality is what we're fighting for here. not something different or special. just equal. We don't want segregation, we want the same as you. well, personally i want the state to realise that it should be separate from the church and that if you'd like to have a religious wedding then go right ahead but everyone who wants to be considered married, whether gay straight or otherwise, needs to have a state sanctioned civil union. everyone equal. I don't want to make a church have to marry me. i just want the same as what you have (and what the declaration of human rights says I should already have - article 16...)
Poli's don't all suck, but too many of them just don't seem to care.

this is my forum...

I live in a ghetto. not the kind where the houses are made of tin and everyone is black and/or living below the povety line. I live in a ghetto known as "the inner west". I work in that ghetto too, and go to uni in that ghetto. My life is lived in a happy little place where being gay is ok, not unusual, normal. I can hold hands with my girlfriend while waiting for a train and not be worried at all. My barista is gay, and so is the chef. More than 50% of my work colleagues are gay. I sing in two queer choirs. There are straight people in one of these groups - but we're talking 3 or 4 out of 80. I have gay friends who are parents, whose kids go to school with other kids who have 2 mummies or two daddies, or 4 gay parents, or any combination of family you can think of. My life is easy, and good, and i often forget that there is a world outside my ghetto where life isn't ok. I also went to high school in this ghetto, though I didn't live here then, and only one person in my grade seemed to have a problem with me being gay. At least three of my class mates also came out, and we felt no need to have a gay straight alliance, coz no-one seemed to care. Apart from a few rare instances of people yelling at me from a cowardly distance, i have personally experienced no strong homophobia. I have been asked to cover my tattoos (i have 9) during a stage performance, which i found annoying, but hardly a harsh form of discrimination.
I have marched for marriage equality, I have participated in mardi gras as a marcher, a performer and a spectator. I have shown my support by just being in the right place when required. I care about marriage equality. not because i necessarily want to get married, but because the message that that equality would send to youth struggling with their sexuality - it's ok to be gay.
I read a heap of articles about mass discrimination, mass inequality, stupid remarks made by the ACL (Australian Christian Lobby) and i feel like i want to say some things.  Today i have been reading about one town's war on gay teens  (i haven't finished it yet...) and i finally decided that my blog should be my forum to say something. I'm sure anyone who reads my blog doesn't need to be told what i'm going to say, nor do they need to have their thoughts provoked by my questions, but maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and share it, and so on, until someone who DOES need to have their way of thinking challenged will read it.
The comment that got me today is "any form of gay tolerance in school is actually an insidious means of promoting homosexuality – that openly discussing the matter would encourage kids to try it, turning straight kids gay" (from the article linked above).
As an adult, i would have thought people would be smarter than to think this kind of thing. Say, for instance, you are a straight person. i don't care if you're an ultra right wing christian or a lefty green atheist.you are a straight adult. If you kissed someone of the same gender as you, do you think you might suddenly become gay? try it. go on. kiss one of your friends. even just thinking about it probably makes you pull a face. you are not gay, and no amount of hearing that being gay is normal and ok is going to make you gay. you are never likely to want to kiss your best friend of the same gender, the same way I am never really likely to want to kiss my best male friend (unless he was to bring me a heap of chocolate, and then i would wipe my mouth on my sleeve...)
So simple point for today - it doesn't matter how much knowledge you have or how normalised being gay is, if you're not gay, you are not going to become gay just because it's acceptable. what might happen though is that a young person won't get bullied at school for their hair cut, and won't consider or actually action suicide. Why does suicidal contemplation have to be part of sexual discovery? because so many people with big mouths have attitudes that suck.

The End... 27 days later...

Sitting on the sofa at home after a long day of being at home. There is clean laundry hanging, the suitcase is away, thai has been ordered for dinner And it's time to tell you all about the last few days.
My reason for not posting while I was still in England is some seriously patchy internet...
Thursday... It was so long ago!!! looking back at my photos, that was the day i did some more nerdy tripping around London. First up was 221b Baker St - the Sherlock Holmes Museum. From there Sarah and I went to Abbey Rd - to see the studio, and stand with the huge group of others trying not to hit by cars getting the iconic Beatles album cover shot. I got there is the end. After a long slow bus trip back into town I decided i'd head out to Notting Hill, for a couple of reasons. Portobello Road is in Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and of course, the blue door. back to the hostel for a nap, and then out to the Royal Albert Hall for a night at the proms. I saw the BBC National Orchestra of Wales performing some Elgar, Ravel and Debussy.  It was spectacular.
Friday involved packing... it was a bit sad to get everything back into my suitcase... I also headed in to the Tate Britain to see a photography exhibition that opened on friday called 'Another London' - photos taken by photographers who were either visiting or emigrating to England. it was really good. I spent a few hours wandering around the Tate, then caught a ferry along the thames and the tube back home. More chillaxing, and then off to Beanii's place to watch the opening ceremony! quiet night in, with risotto for dinner and opening ceremony on TV. wasn't how I had originally planned to see the opening, but it was a great night, great opening ceremony.
Saturday I had HOURS to kill before I had to leave for the airport. I hung out on the couch at the hostel watching the olympics for a while, then decided that I could probably get out to see the men's road cycling go past. hooray for free olympic events! when I got to fulham rd at South Kensington, I had just missed seeing the men ride out.. booo. after yet another seriously disappointing coffee (I can not tell you how many i threw out over the last month) I went wandering along the cycling track (which was closed all day, with very little crossings open for cars) to Hyde Park. not much was going on in the city, so I wandered back along the road to South Ken. by then it was lunch time, so I went into a pub on the track, grabbed some lunch and stayed there to watch the cycling on TV. a few hours (and three new pommy friends) later we made our way back out to the barrier to watch them cycle for home. I was just on the finish side of the 3km to go sign, so when they came past us they were flying! i got a couple of pics, but they are blurs of colour.
Finally it was time to head to the airport, where i managed to distract the women at the check in counter just long enough to get my 2kg over weight carry on through without any extra charges.
The interminable flight home, broken by a massage in Hong Kong (how much is 280 Hong Kong dollars?) and Wendy and Mum at the airport to meet me!!! straight home (via some decent coffee!) into a shower then back out to class - i'm a good little student!
Eventually all of my photos will be available online, but gimme a chance, there are tonnes of them!!!

Day 23…

You’d think by now I’d be running short of things to do and see…  ah, no. Thursday was another lovely sunny day so I headed out to see 221b Baker St, and Abbey Road (where I have a number of pics of me dodging traffic) and Notting Hill. Notting Hill had 2 attractions – the blue door, which I found, and Portobello road, which they sing about in Bedknobs and Broomsticks.  It was getting pretty hot then, so I hopped on a bus and took the long way into Trafalgar square (would have been much easier and quicker to take the tube) and went to the National Portrait Gallery. It was good, and as is typical of museums and galleries, set to the perfect snoozing atmosphere. I came back to the Hostel and had that nap, then it was off to see the BBC National Orchestra of Wales performing Elgar, Debussy and Ravel at the Royal Albert Hall. It’s an amazing building, and the music was brilliant.

Tuesday and Wednesday…

Tuesday was a big drive on a slightly broken bus in the smallest tour group I’ve ever been part of. There were 4 of us…

We drove to a little town called Lacock (Lay-cock), which you may have seen if you like period movies. One of the most notable to have been filmed there is the colin firth Pride and Prejudice, amongst a whole raft of TV shows and a smattering of Harry Poter… The town prides itself on its look – no power lines, no TV satellite dishes, no modern architecture (and by modern I mean nothing newer than about 300 years)…it was beautiful and quiet and not yet really hot… After that we went to Bath. Beautiful, informative, full of tourists and sunshine. This is also where our bus broke a little… The front door had to be held closed with a length of rope and the air conditioning stopped working… After a very hot drive to Stonehenge I took a crapload of photos of a pile of rocks… There are more and bigger rocks than I had expected, but the whole thing is quite a bit smaller than I was expecting.  Then the long hot drive back into London. I finally got a chance on Tuesday night to climb up to the lions in Trafalgar square to get photos!

Wednesday was a relatively relaxed wandering day (I  ONLY HAVE 1 LEFT ON MY MONOPOLY TOUR!!!)  which ended with more theatre. Matilda (music and lyrics by Tim Minchin) is beyond brilliant. It was so much fun! I smiled the whole way through, except for that bit in the middle which almost had me in tears… I wish I could see it again. Every single kid in it was brilliant, esp Matilda.

Today I’m off to the Sherlock museum and Notting Hill.

Mondays child is full of..... something...

Today is thursday. I wrote the stuff below on tuesday morning, about monday. the internet is a little hard to come across this week....

Theatre week. Monday. more sun. Today I took a train to oxford, then a bus to Abingdon, to see where my Mum lived when she was little. Its a nice area, a bit like a suburb splattered in the country side around Oxford. The houses all look the same, but there is space and grass and a creek which runs through which would make a great place for kids to play. Back into Oxford with only a couple of hours to explore, so I caught an open topped tour bus. I ended up with my jumper on purely so I wouldn't get sunburnt!
A fast train back into London - still took an hour - then more time on the tube. I think there are only 2 lines I haven't been on yet, so I'll get them in before the end of the week! After a quick shower I was off to the Globe to see Taming of the Shrew. Gen gave me a yard ticket. It was so much fun! Standing up for 3 hours, with a stair railing to lean on, laughing and cheering at Shakespeare. It really was a great experience, seeing Shakespeare as it was intended. And the weather was prefect for it.
Early to bed and early to rise, touring out to Bath and Stonehenge.

Sunday 22. It’s all relative.

When I first arrived in London, staying out at West Kensington was great. It’s an easy walk to the tube (but further than the train station at home) and a quick trip into town (about the same as from home to central). Everything was so easy!!! I guess the fact that I have never had to wait more than 3 mins for a train makes it all seem far easier.

In Cambridge everything was even closer. Stumble out the front door of the college and you’re at either school, coffee or a pub, or the market, or the mall. All within 5 mins. Stumble out the back door and you are at another pub, or the river or the back way to school. Again, 5 mins. It makes London seem like everything is forever away, and my feet are letting me know that I spent the day walking! Today I went to the bouncy castle Stone Henge – it was fun! The sun was shining (2 days in a row!!!!) and I went out fairly early, so when I arrived at stone henge there were very few people there – maybe 50 – and heaps of little tiny people. It seems jumping castles are great for babies and toddlers. It was really lovely to sit out in the sun for a while. After that I headed back towards the city and just went randomly wandering all around Covent Garden. Topped it all off with a lovely dinner at Jamie’s Italian. I’m starting to look forward to coming home, but there is still so much to do! Tomorrow is Oxford and Abingdon.